My Thoughts

Last few years, shit got deep.

The mountains got steep.

Nobody knew what I was going through

Real life problems

and I didn’t know how to solve them.

felt like I was under pressure

trying to disarm a bomb.

Ever felt so miserable

you hate the sound of the alarm?

In the morning

heart was constantly beating

at a fast pace rate.

Ignoring my stomach growling

because I felt like I had no escape

out of a bad situation.

The frustration and hate

intensifies only more

when you accept misery

instead of trying to change it.

Mind was insipid.

I kept quite

I held my composure,

but on the inside

I was livid.

I seen the ones I loved

as role models

turn into hypocrites.

Ever got hurt so bad by the opposite sex

you thought all women are bitches?

Ever got so hurt so bad by the opposite sex

You thought all men ain’t shit?

What keeps myself going?

Remind myself everything happens

for a reason.

But felt like I was lying to myself

because the humble ones

receive the most attention and drama

without any explanation.

The day, week, month and season changes

but the pain remains constant.

Stuck on bullshit

I felt constipated.

I compare myself to a mouse

in a house.

Ever heard the term

“quiet as a mouse”?

Cartoons portrays mice

as if their innocent

but in reality at midnight

behind the walls

they make loud noises

all night gnawing and clawing.

I am quiet, minding my business

but up all night overthinking.

Overthinking so much

for a second I thought

I was nocturnal.

I refused to invite company

when facing misery.

I refuse to bring anybody

in the lake of fire with me.

Thoughts were bigger than a grizzly.

Beer kept me from doing

something crazy ironically.

One at a time I started

devouring beer bottles a minute.

Instead of the bible

Heineken was my weapon,

Corona was my idol,

Budweiser was my hero.

On the dresser nothing but empty bottles

and this was the affect

since there was nothing on cable.

Related image

I shed a puddle of tears.

My bed received more rainfall

then the month of April.

I wished stories of people

getting their hearts broken

were only fables.

The ghetto is filled with people

with real talent

and most politicians are ignorant,

sucking d*ck to make it.

In this world

You have to fake it

until you make it.

Then when you make it,

you have to fake it more.

People make it difficult

for you

When you are completely honest.

Now think about it

I respect the truth more than deceit

but honor and loyalty can

End you up in a cemetery.

So is honesty overrated?

I don’t know, maybe

Fear in your heart

Will have lying

So much

That you think it’s a blessing

and the truth is a sin.

Some people won’t admit it

but to some, the devil

Is feared more than God.

We underestimate God’s power

and refuse to cower.

Rumors on social media

receive more attention

then family members.

Technology is the slave driver

to today’s generation.

It press its feet on the minds

of the innocent

until the innocent is out of gas

and now stuck on stupid.

but no excuses.

Technology is not the scapegoat,

because people always been ruthless,

The only difference is because of social media

We are exposed quicker

but the demons been exist.

They were once angels in heaven.

However, here is a question,

Can someone describe the view

of heaven?

What if everybody living was aborted

and every baby that was once aborted

had a chance to live life?

What would be the outcome of life?

What would be the percentage of crime?

When is the end of time?

More than welcome to comment and thank you for reading and please stop by and visit again!

Suicidal Thoughts/In Case Tomorrow Not Promised

Some questions to think about and also these could be future blogs to talk about. In fact take a look at these questions, pick one question to blog about it 

1. If you had the chance to find out where your final destination would be after you die right  now  at this moment would you wanna know?

2. For those of you that are not married, do you wish you was still a virgin if you are not a virgin?

3. If fornication was not a sin, for those of you waiting until marrige to have sex or have waited until marrige, would you still have waited until marrige have sex to have sex if you knew fornication was not a sin?

4. If you had the chance to win 5 million dollars, you would steal one of my poems and submit it  to publishing agency pretending you wrote the poem for 5 million dollars?

5. This question for the women, If you had the chance to pick, you rather be a house wife while you husband works or would you rather work and your husband will be a house husband?

6. For the men same question, if you had to pick, would you rather be a house husband while your wife works or you work and your wife stay at home?

7. If you was able to choose your family at birth, would you pick the family your living with now or would you pick a different family?

8. For those you that answered “No” to number 4, do you think I beleive you lol?

9. If you had to pick an age, how old would you want to be when you die?

10. If you had to pick an age to be forever, what age would that be?

11. Let’s say you was getting married next week and tonight was your bachelor/bachelorette party and you had sex with a stripper at your party, would you tell your fiance or would you keep it yourself and never do it again?

12. If you cheated in the past and your current signficant other asked you if you ever cheated on your previous lovers would you lie to him/her?

13. For the women, if a guy you date says to you he doesn’t kiss until the 5th Date, how would you respond?

14. For the men, if a woman you date says she doesn’t give oral sex and never will,  how would you respond?

15. If you could pick one of your followers to meet in real life, who would you pick?

16. Would you send a nudes to your spouse if you are married?

17. If you slept with your spouse’s best friend and your spouse’s friend promised you to not nothing to your spouse, would you accept the promise?

18 Now same question as number 17 but the next day what if your spouse died, then 2 weeks later you got pregnant/or got your spouse friend pregnant, would you want an abortion, hope for a miscarrige, or be proud to have a baby and here’s the kicker, the doctor said you couldn’t have kids so this is a miracle baby so what would you do?

19. You notice that Janurary is New Years, Feburary is Presidents day, March is St.Patricks day, April is Easter, May is Memorial day, June is when summer begins, July is when Indedpenden Day, September is Labor Day, October is Halloween, November is Thanksgiving Day, December is Christmas Day, what about August?

20. What would you rather do, try to force yourself asleep when your wide awake or your try to stay awake when your sleepy?

21. For the women that are single, what if you actually found the guy of your dreams that have plans of marrying you but don’t want kids, would you leave him?

22. For the men, if you was the only guy in this world and everybody else were women, how would you feel?

23. Let’s say you had a one night stan and nine months you had a child, 18 years later that child  asked you  “dad how did you meet mom/vice versa?” how would you respond?

24. If today was your last day of living, did you feel like you accomplished alot, would you die proud or miserable?

25. For the men, what is the worst and best thing about being a man?

26. For the women, what is the worst and best thing about being a woman?

27. Imagine a world without police officers, without jails or prisons, would you be scared to exist with the rest of the human population?

28. Think of the meanest  thing someone had said to you, was it by a stranger or a loved one?

29. What would life be like if music was banned  for a year?

30. What would life be like if social media was banned for a year?

31. What if you was married and your spouse still wanted to use condoms, how would you feel?

32. Would you ever marry a pornstar?

33. If you had to pick an animal what would you pick?

34. If you had a choice, would you rather be an adopted child or adopt a child?

35. If I was your college professor and I asked you to pick one of the previous 34 questions and write an essay, do you think you would get an A on your essay?
I’m uploading my most powerful blog all through out this month. Take a look for the schedule of my blogs posting

On Monday December 11, I will upload a poem “The Unsolved Mystery”.

On Tuesday December 12, I will upload two  interesting  questions that will have you thinking .

On Wednesday December 13,  I will upload, “Get Lost in my Poems part 2” please read part 1 Get Lost In My Poems     . Just a brief summary part 1 was about me inviting my followers to a time travel machine and your going back in time switching in and out of my previous poems. It’s hard to explain you would have to read and it’s clever.

On December 15, I will upload,  “Poetry is the Power of Life”.

  On December 16th, I will upload another interesting question about life for you  to think about.

On December 17th, I will write a poem about the number ‘7’.

On December 18th, I will upload a blog explaining what is silent unity.

On December 19th, I will upload a poem in on a topic in which you will pick a topic for me and all you have to do is comment below in this blog on which topic you would like me to talk about and this is first come first serves. 

On December 20th, I will write a blog on how to build your traffic on word press/blogging and share some tips that helped me. 

On December 21st, I upload  an erotic poem.

On December 23, I will upload another deep personal question. 

On December 24, I will upload a poem “Chase the money not the p*ussy”.

On December 27, I will a personal  embarrassing experience of mines.

On December 29th,  I will upload  a poem “Don’t believe when she says I’m done with him”.

On December 30th, I will upload a poem with a multiple choice question at the end

On December 31st, well this will be a special blog that’s all I will say. 


Suicidal thoughts 

 

I feel extremely hopeless.

I am behaving more reckless.

My behavior is changing.

The pain I feel is way beyond unbarring.

I am preoccupied with death.

I feel like there’s nothing else left,

to do.

I’m tired and I have no one to go to.

All I feel like doing all day is sleeping,

Right now I am online searching,

For a gun,

 

Right now that’s the only thing I really want to put me out of misery.

Pointed at my chest, shoot myself with a hallow tip and go straight through my kidneys.

Or kill myself while driving,

I want lose control of the wheel as I’m steering,

Lose control of the car and run into a truck driver,

and become a non-survivor.

I wish my mom suffered a miscarriage or got an abortion.

I am in severe depression.

I smile on the outside, but burning and torturing on the inside.

I have thoughts that life is not worth living.

I have no tears left, I’m done crying.

I believe in God, but I’m tired of being patient and waiting,

Tired of praying and praying.

My prayers never get answered.

I’m a good warm hearted person, but why do the good suffer?

I’m born in June, I am a cancer,

But I wish I suffered with lung or brain cancer.

I am tired physically ,

I lack the energy,

To live my life.

No energy left to fight.

I ask myself , why did humans have to be created?

Humans on earth have demonstrated,

That life is hard and unfair.

People don’t care.

I honesty believe

its easier to understand animals than a human being.

I rather my brain function as a automatic machine.

 In Case Tomorrow Not Promised

Lord please forgive me for my sins
for not praying when
I didn’t talk to my friends.
Lying and pretending
I was stronger
for not praying
but I became weaker.
Always wanted to
make it
without a hand out.
I never shout
when I needed help.
I didn’t want to express love
Always felt like
I had to remain tough.
Never wanted to cry
in front of any woman
but I felt like crying  every night
so am I really a man?
My family don’t know
my plans
So whoever read this
accidentally after I pass away 
don’t throw this
in this trash
but
to my nephew,
I love you
and stay out of trouble
and pray to the Lord
above you.
Sometimes I wish I was man enough
to protect you.
Listen to your father
he loves you
He twice the man
I ever was.
Be confident
and optimistic.
Don’t be pessimistic
like me
because negativity
don’t capture
dreams.
When u get older
Watch
“The Bronx Tale”
So you understand
what wasted talent
is?
Learn how to fish
Learn how to shoot a gun
Learn about Jesus
Learn how to save you funds
It’s okay to cry in front of others
when your heart is broken
Learn that the words that are spoken
are for to listen you
I refuse to cry in front of you
you know who saw me cried the most,
my reflection
Only in private I showed affection
My life always been in question
for so long for comparing
others to myself.
I felt like I never grew a pair
below the belt.
I’m an ice block
and I’m about to melt.
I’m the water
dripping from the ice block
on a sunny day
and life is going down
the drain.
Never forget to pray
When you eat your food
always say grace
When your grandmother
use to tell me say Grace
I always made an annoyed face
She would tell me fix your face
and say Grace
I was getting tired of trying
not to sin,
so hardcore rap I
began to listen.
Sometimes I wanted
be just like them
I was addicted to
their money, fame, and Popularity
Thought it would help me
overcome my adversities.
I wanted power like Thanos
with six infinity stones.
I wanted money like Bill Gates
living in his 8 million dollar home.
I wanted popularity like LeBron James
with headphones on
as he enters the locker room
putting on his uniform.
My brain so deformed.
I feel like Qtip in prison song.
I wasted my talent.
I’m so poetic.
I could been famous
My poetry is dangerous.
Maybe if my parents
weren’t divorced
then maybe of course
no wait
Maybe if I was an A student
then maybe of course
no wait
Maybe if I was honest
then maybe of course
no wait
You see what I did?
I made 3 excuses
I’m addicted to being pessimistic
Never wanted marriage,kids,
not even a date
but I would adopt you in a heartbeat
but you are my brothers seed
and I have watched you grow.
The previous line I wrote
almost had me in tears.
The post that I wrote yesterday
I want you to read that
because it was sad
I swear if that ever happens to you
you I will kill a bitch for you.
I use the word the word bitch
don’t get in the habit having of
thinking every woman is a bitch
because every woman is not a bitch

I hate science
but music and poetry
and including me,
what we have in common is chemistry.
I picture myself as Tupac
when writing poetry.
Do you know how many favors
people owe me
if I didn’t do favors from the heart?
So don’t give and expect to receive
the pain is sharp
when they eat off your plate
and they already have a full plate
plus they have half on what’s on your plate
and it was only half to begin with
So now left with a fourth of a plate 
Never jealous but I be lying if
I say I wanted to seek forgiveness when hurt
I pretend I do
but revenge is what I plan to do
Would I rather commit suicide
then forgive my enemy?
I’m a christian but I
hate my enemies
and this is the real enemy
Sometimes I think
I should slay  my enemy.
I wanted that type of power
that Suge Knight had
in 95.
The other day I took a HIV
test and it was negative
but if it was positive
I don’t think I would of
cried
but I would of kept it to myself
because what makes me cry
is when my family cry.
I always been shy
but I’m louder then anybody else
when talking to myself about
how will I obtain wealth
Have me worrying so hard  it’s
stressing my health
and yet I’m still paying
for expensive dates
with a smile on my face
as I look in the pretty ladies
in the face to keep her safe
and she thinks I’m strong
and deep when I take off
her Thong off
and work my tongue
and it’s fun
but look at everything
I done
What did I accomplish?
They say the truth
shall come to light
But the truth doesn’t always
come to light
because this secret will
be kept with me in the grave
because your only eight
and you can’t comprehend
and relate to this poem.
But don’t get me wrong
your very smart
much smarter than I was
at eight.
I purposely am writing this
on this date.
If you was 16
I wouldn’t of wrote this for you
because you be able to relate
and this will break your heart.
In fact people that don’t know me
a select few  reading this would feel it in their hearts
I’m 6ft but feel like a midget
I smell like dead fish in a bucket.
but not physically but mentally
physically I am here
but mentally well that’s a whole
different story
You are my little guy, my little buddy.
I never been able to fit in anywhere since elementary
and maybe WordPress while blogging
but around you I feel like a king
You make me feel popular.
Even though I’m broke it don’t matter
because you make me feel rich
For a while I hated my ex but you helped me forgive.
I know your only a kid
but sometimes the best advice is from a kid.
I honestly wish I can do your homework everyday.
I remember that one day I did it for you
so you can play at a earlier time
but I can’t do that all the time
and I feel like a bad uncle for admitting that line
I have a better relationship with you
then with my own uncle.
When your father yells at you sometimes
I do want to give him a taste of his own medicine
but he only doing what a parent is suppose to.
I will should send you this when your 18 and I will be 36.
I can’t send this to you now but because this is over your head right now.
I make a promise to you 10 years from if God willing I’m still living
I will give you this for your 18th birthday
that’ s why I’m going to upload this today
to have this saved.
but just in case if I don’t make it tomorrow
and I become hollow
I want you to take my place and carry on my legacy
and I want you to have this poetry.
I posted 96 blogs and it’s all yours
and always thank the Lord
and I will do the same
so when your 18 I can live to see your face.
Damn I almost shed a tear out my face.
Writing a poem gets tiring trying to put words together to make the rhymes sound better
but I could write about you all day
So when I eat dinner tomorrow
I will say Grace.
In you face I never told you I love you
but I swear to God I do love you
but understand I can’t remember the last time
I said “I love you” to my own mother
In fact I don’t think I ever
expressed to her in person.
I can’t express to anybody in person
but on paper, nobody can never express
the way I can
and I don’t mean that to sound arrogant
it just to show you that I am human
and I do have emotions.
If you really knew the thoughts on my head,

it’s scary even for me.
Sometimes I feel like I’m living in a nightmare
but you make me feel like I can accomplish my dreams
I can motivate myself but I you give me extra the push.
When I read the good book, I wish there was a miracle where I can go back and be in
Adams place
or I can be Eve’s conscious and look her in the face and
say “Don’t eat it please don’t eat it”
I think I would of been strong enough to resist the serpent
or at least I would of question him like why should I eat of this tree
because I know the Earth is full of greed and misery
and I know first hand the pain in the present day 
So lord, take me to the past at 4000 B.C.
and let me help Adam and Eve
and the present and future seeds
In fact I would let the serpent
take my life so everybody else can dwell in heaven
and they all would be naked
because your beauty is exposed the most
when your naked
Wearing your clothes will make you hate the color of your skin
The Earth to me is really hell
So I can imagine what it is really like in hell.
I won’t lie if I had to
to commit suicide
and scarfice my life
for you to be heaven,
I wouldn’t even hesitate
In fact, if everybody was promise
a place in heaven,
If all I had to do was scarfice my
life,I wouldn’t even hesitate
To tell you the truth that wasn’t
even a hard question
until I think about all the rapists
that exist from the past
and exist in the present
I hate a rapist with a passion
and I never been raped
If  a man rape someone
in my family
forget an ass whooping,
he dead.
Kill first and forgive later
because yes I’m a hater 
to a rapist.
I really shouldn’t say that
because that’s negative
but all I’m saying to you
is to never ever become a rapist
no matter how desperate.
I could write all day
and the lord gave me this talent
to share with you  in secret
I decided you will never read this
because this is too intricate
but even though
I don’t show it,
words can’t express how I feel about you.
To be honest when I wrote this
I wasn’t even planning to write this much,
this was just a simple dark deep poem
but you can into my mind like a love song
Two years ago I tried to write a poem
about you.
Couldn’t keep focus enough to write about you.
My skills and vocabulary expanded and stretched like a limousine
and it’s gorgeous like a black woman on ebony magazine
2 two years ago my poetic skills was a car
now poetic skills stretched to a limousine.
I’m a poetic machine
You see, you are helping me to think poetic
in a optimistic view.
I have to take a bathroom break and this poem is too much for you to take
so that’s why I choose to stop because I have to go bad (lol)
This poem is sad but it’s a blessing because I have you in my life so I am glad .
Nobody in my family will ever see this poem
but it will be on word press because I need to share it
because I will go crazy when I have content and thoughts in my head and have no one to share it with.
I won’t say names but I thank my 10 dedicated followers and supporters
for giving me the strength to write this to my nephew.
He will never see it because it’s too much
but since I don’t know anyone of you in person
I will allow you to see this because I need to share this and express this
So at least you and the Lord knows how much I love my nephew.
You never know how much you love somebody
until you actually  listen to music and start writing and think about your deepest  thoughts.
I will upload this now because life is not promised tomorrow
Someone told me on my previous blog to don’t apologize for my writing so I won’t
Life is hard it really easy but it’s not impossible
and when I die I want my poems to be like an hidden fossil
from an archeologist from the future generation

 

On December 19th, I want you to comment below and give me a topic that you want me to write a poem about.  Whoever is the first person to comment and give me a topic, then that will be the topic I will write about(first come first serve)

Picture yourself in a life or death situation right now and life is not promised the next day and you pick one person in your life you had to write a letter to and tell that person your deepest thoughts, your weakness, , your strengths, your mistakes and how much you love them and listen to your favorite song at the same time while writing to you loved one.

I Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 2) This is a very long blog personal blog

I sure some of you have noticed  I have been posting a lot blogs for the last 3 days. For the month of December I plan to go all out with my blogs and I will be posting a lot of rel – eatable  content. Tomorrow  I will post a poem “Suicide thoughts” and it’s a deep topic to discuss. Now please for those of you that don’t know me, please click this link Who Am I? . It’s an autobiography of me to learn more about me so you can understand this story. Also please, please read I Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 1) before reading this blog. I hope you all enjoy.  This is a very, very long blog so I will understand if you get bored but I wanted to share my story because I know a lot of people been heart broken before and I like to break things down for you bloggers to picture what I went through. Also this is a very long blog, so if you don’t like reading long blogs you will get bored reading this.

April 2015

Next day is Sunday and I’m still thinking about the previous night. She text me “Good Morning” and I replied back but I wasn’t in the mood to communicate with her. Throughout the day she kept texting me and I just kept replying back but I wasn’t really feeling the vibe after what happened the previous night. After a while, she noticed that I wasn’t really in the mood so she asked me “Are you okay?” I replied back “I call you later” When she got off work, I called her and I asked “Do you still have feelings on me?” she was a little hesitant and said” On certain days I do, on certain days I’m not in the mood.” Now that I’m wiser looking back at it now, I should of just wished her luck and moved on, but you live and you learn. So anyway when she told me that, I asked her “Well what’s gonna happen between us in the future? She responded “I’m not sure” So I said “We can’t remain friends forever tho, either one day we will get back together or we will go our separate ways.” Now I don’t remember what her response was because this was like 3 years ago but I said what I said to her because I guess I was trying to put the pressure on her so she can really figure out what she wanna do. I felt like she got too comfortable with receiving relationship benefits on a friendship level. I also asked her over the phone why she didn’t want to kiss me and if she was uncomfortable and she told me “Oh no I was just tired and I wanted to go home.” I felt like she was bullshitting because even if you tired if you really into somebody even if your tired wouldn’t you still kiss that person?(just a question to think about)

                                                                     May 2015

Fast forward to May, me and this girl still are communicating but probably like 2 or 3 times a week. At this point I’m focus because I started working 2 jobs so I was busy everyday. At this point I started talking to other girls to get my mind off my ex because at this point I didn’t know what was going to happen between me and her. My ex and I would text about 2 or 3 times a week. I won’t lie I still had feelings for her. Now back in April when we saw the fast furious movie I did tell her we were going to see Avengers age of Ultron in May but after I tried to kiss her and she slammed the car door on my face I was like fuck that (for those that don’t know what happened when we saw fast furious go back to the top of this blog and click on the link and read the 1st part). So it was the beginning of May and we texting back and fourth. I mentioned I couldn’t wait to see the avengers movie. She said when do you plan to see it” I said maybe this weekend”
then I asked her “Do you plan to see it?” She said ” I thought we planned on seeing it together but I guess you don’t feel like driving to queens.” Lol I played it off and said ” Lol my fault I forgot you know I’m a old man I forget simple shit”. She called me an old man. I didn’t forget, I was playing it off because you see, this girl barely kissed me, and we haven’t had sex in months. Now me and her are just friends at this point so I wasn’t really chasing the sex but at this point I’m like if she comfortable enough to hang out with me, comfortable enough to her allow to pick from work, I even gave her money twice(now this was my fault because I volunteered to do this) but whenever I try to make a move or bring up my feelings she goes cold. So now I’m like you know what, I ain’t going out my way for her no more unless she gives it up. So later when I was in school, we was texting back and  fourth. Don’t remember how this started, but I said to her “You can’t say my name lol ” but we just joking. She said “Yes I can lol”. I said “You can’t say my name unless we having sex and I know you not trying to take it there” She put “Lmao but can still say your name”. I said “Lol why well are you going to have sex with me?” She said “No, but I can still say your name” I said “Alright fine, you can say my name while having sex with another guy” She said “No that would be very rude of me to say that” I said, ” Well it’s very rude for you to say my name”, I don’t remember her response but after I left class I gave her a call. I decided that either we get back together or I go my separate way.  So called her and told that. I asked her if she wanted to work things out and get back together. She said she wasn’t sure so I told I will give you 2 weeks to think about it.  The following week she got the nerve to ask me for a favor,something to do with her car. I made up an excuse though, I didn’t do it. Some other things happen during the month of May but I can’t remember everything because it’s been so long. This took place over two years ago.

                                                                June 2015

So now we fast forward to June. Both of our birthdays were in June. Between May and June we barely spoke. I was on the verge of just cutting her off. At this point, I still had feelings but I was starting to get use to not hearing from her. I felt like I started healing. I felt like I was getting stronger or at least I thought I was. So anyway it was  the middle of June  and it was her birthday. It was 9AM and I was contemplating on rather or not if I should text her “Happy Birthday”. So after 10 minutes of being in deep thought, I decided to text her “Happy Birthday” and she said “Thank you!”. From that day until June 22, we slowly started communicating here and there but not often. So now fast forward to about 4 or 5 days later this girl texted me ” You okay?”. Once in a blue moon she would text me this if we haven’t spoke in a while. So anyway, I texted her” I alright wbu?” So she “I’m good” I said” Is there anything you wanna talk about?” She said” Are you seeing new friend?” I said” New friend? do you mean if  I’m dating somebody new?” She said “Yes!” I said “No, but why did you ask me that?” She said “No reason” I said” for real stop playing why you asked me that?” She said” I just want to see you found someone to replace me that’s all”. Now I  don’t know why I said this looking back at this now but my response was” Nah, nobody would ever take your place”.
She responded” Aww 😚😚
So she asked me” How is work coming along?”
I said “I’m just busy you know staying focus working two jobs?” She said ” That’s a lot, but if we was to get back together, how would you have the time?” I said”Good question, but I can make time.” Now I was just thinking to myself maybe she does want to get back together but I still was on my guard because I still didn’t trust her. I somewhat had feelings for her still, but I was healing little by little.  So fast forward to June 22, she texted me ” How you doing?” I said” I’m good!”  We was going back and fourth and she I told her that my supervisor was letting me leave work early. She said” Why?” I said “because it’s my birthday” She said “Omg I’m so sorry Happy Birthday!”  I’m just like “lol thank you”. One minute later, she gave me a call and said she apologizes for forgetting my birthday then she said let’s hang out. I said I’ll let you know. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. So  I asked a co-worker for advice. The co-worker said I should let her take me out for my birthday. So I took his advice(looking back now I should just went with my instincts instead of taking this advice)

                                                                   July 2015

For those of you reading this, if you don’t like what your hearing and if you feel like this is a fucked story then I wouldn’t recommend reading the rest of this story because it does get worst. So now it’s July and I wanted go to a buffet. I picked her up and we went to the buffet. I swear I was not trying to make a move or anything I just wanted to be a simple date that’s all. So we at the buffet, and we are talking. She seemed really excited to see me. Around this time, I was listening to K love trying to change my ways and become more positive. So anyway, I can’t lie, my feelings started coming back, she seemed really excited to see me, plus she just got her license so I was excited for her. She wanted to register for college (now what I am about to say was so foolish, so stupid, so navie) and she owed the school 1000 dollars.  I was working two jobs, I had money, plus I was listening K love radio station, so I was feeling positive and I felt like God was looking out for me. I love helping people so I offer to help her pay for college and I told her she only have to pay me half back by December. She really appreciated it. So after the buffet I was planning to take her home, but  she said she wasn’t in a rush to go home. We decided to go to the mall to pass time. To my surprise, she started holding my hand while in the mall. Now that’s what got me because we haven’t done that in months.  Now think about this, 3 weeks prior, she asked me if I was dating anybody else, if we got back together how would you have the time,  and she started holding my hand, now wouldn’t this lead you on?  So we head back to the car and I was feeling the moment and I tried kissing her. She started pulling back harder. So I’m thinking like alright she just playing hard to get. It’s been a while since like months since  I got close with a female and I feel like this was a good opportunity. This time I didn’t care I was coming on to her. But when I got closer the second time, she said “I  don’t want to get turned on , it’s been a month since I been turned on” I paused for a second because I’m like what the fuck that got to do with me and why you telling that. So I asked her “You had sex a month ago?”  she said “Yes”. Let’s think about this, all along for months I made effort to show her that I care, I gave her money like twice, picked her up from work, went to church with her family, contacted her on a daily, never pressured her for sex up until this point, and she fucked someone else like wow. I was shocked because I let my guard down. In the back of my mind since April I had a feeling she was messing with another guy. I knew it and I tried my hardest to move on but she kept leading me on and I tried so hard to give her the benefit of the doubt. Now I can’t remember what my response was, but I drove her home in silence. I went home pissed of. For the men that’s reading this, I’m sure you can understand how I felt.  So anyway she texted me “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to get you upset” I called her and told I think it’s best we don’t talk for a while.  I couldn’t even go to sleep that night. Every day I kept thinking and thinking about this bullshit. I couldn’t focus at work , I couldn’t focus at school , I just kept replaying this shit in my head. I could not let it go.  So I went to God and I prayed. I too realized  that back in October I broke up with her through a text message and I will briefly explain that at the end of this blog. So I prayed and I talked to my mom and she started praying for me. After about a week , I decided to text and ask her why she did what she did?(I know I should of just left her alone) When you love somebody it’s very hard to move on. In fact, when the person you love breaks your heart, you blame yourself and that’s what  I did. Now I can’t remember everything but since I was trying so hard to forgive her, praying to God still,  I decided to forgive her and I texted whatever happened on my birthday let’s leave it in the past and just move on. Now at this point I wasn’t trying to get back with her anymore, but I thought at least we can be civil and move on. The reason why I blamed myself because sometimes I feel like I overthink a lot of things and I create situations and problems  in my head worrying about every single thing and I was trying hard to change that at that time. So I figure maybe I’m just thinking too hard and I should just let this go. So anyway, after I texted her that, she told me thank you. So we started talking a little and I’m slowly letting go what happened then she got the nerve to text me ” You still going to lend me the money?” In my head I’m like you gotta be fucking serious. I’m like what the hell. I should of cursed her ass out. I responded “I don’t know I will think about”. I didn’t plan on lending her money. I thought about it and  I asked myself, why should I lend her money?

Before I continue with the story, I will briefly explain something real quick so you can understand my though process at this time. I apologize for this long blog, but I am trying hard to break everything down so you can understand this. I am going to be completely honest and this is not easy for me to admit this but I think it’s important for you to know this. When me and this girl got together, this was my first relationship and I was inexperienced in all areas. I repeat, I was inexperienced in all areas. So we got together and I was embarrassed by my inexperience and I felt like I couldn’t keep her with her. I had problems staying hard. Truth was I never admitted to her, but I didn’t know how to put on a condom. So I couldn’t maintain an erection. I was extremely embarrassed. So I decided to go unprotected. Still couldn’t keep it up. This shit was in my head all throughout the day. Since I was inexperienced, I use to compare myself to other guys. I was felt like she was going to leave me because of that.  I went to urologist and he gave me cialis and it worked for me. Since I didn’t know how to put on condoms, I just went unprotected. I got addicted to having sex unprotected and I hated condoms. So anyway there was guy she use to date before me and I thought she still had feelings for him while she was with me. Let’s just say because of my lack of experience was the reason why I felt like she still had feelings for the previous guy before I came into the picture. There’s a lot more to say but I feel like I probably already gave you guys a headache so I will leave it here.

 

So back where I left off with the story,  I was thinking about lending her the money but then I thought to myself, what if the guy had sex with was a from the past? Next day, I texted and first thing I asked her was “If I lend you money, will you promise me to pay me back in December?” She said “Yes” Then I asked her ” Remember when you told me you had sex a month ago, was that guy you had sex with a new guy you just met or a guy from your past?  She said” Someone from the past” When I heard that damn, I can’t describe how painful that felt.  The reason why it felt painful because here I am, nice, respectful gentleman, doing everything in my power to be there for this girl and yet she fucking somebody from the past when she clearly tells me that all the guys from her past were trash. W got into an argument and she told me ” I don’t know why you making a big deal, it’s my life and I wasn’t even dating the guy, it was just a fling thing.” I wanted to punch her in the fucking face.  I can’t lie, I went to the bathroom I called my mom and I was in tears.

 

 

This experience changed me. To this day I haven’t been back to church ever since. I stopped listening to K love, I lost respect for women. I was hurt for months until I went to the strip club and I just started paying for sex. Real talk. Believe it or not , the strip club was my healing factor and I was watching porn like crazy. What happened was strip clubs and porn desensitized my mind. I didn’t trust any girls. I only wanted strippers but I wore a condom though I didn’t smash a stripper raw, I ‘m not that crazy. I realize that strippers make bad decisions but they are friendly people that accept you for who you are. A few of them I was getting to know them and I realized that they have a lot potential to be great. Now some people judge strippers and think they are stupid hoes, let me tell you something, strippers make poor decisions but they are warm hearted people(most not all) trying to earn a living and even though they caught a lot of bodies, they will make sure their clients use to protection because they want to catch nothing. A lot of these girls out here getting pregnant fucking every nigga raw, they ain’t no better than the strippers. But eventually I did get bored with the strip club but it did help me though.  As time move on, I started to talk to other females and I realized I had more in common with other females than my ex.  I realized my ex wasn’t for me. This was all a learning experience and you know what, I thank her for breaking my heart. She taught me a lot and I forgive her now. If we was still together I would eventually been miserable. I accept myself for who I am and that I am just an over thinker. Not giving a fuck healed me. Now if I don’t get hard in the bedroom, I don’t give a fuck, if a girl gets upset and think I’m lame then go fuck another nigga it don’t bother me. I realized that being single was the best decision ever. Someone on twitter use to tweet everyday ” I’m glad that I can wake up and not get cheated on” lol I don’t know why but that’s funny to me. I started saying that lol. Now for women reading this, I know there are some good women out there I know,so I didn’t take my frustration out on all women but some of you are fucked up, just being honest. Another lesson I learn is you can’t always trust a christian that lives by the bible day in and day out(no offensive). Some Christians are good people so I’m not placing all Christians in this category, but be careful because some of them will hurt you in the worst. Some of them will just receive from you and will not give you anything in return. I respect church members and it’s a great honor to see them worship God but the one thing that use to annoy me with them was they are so nosy. Like they would always try everything in their power to  try to get me involved in the church activities , they don’t accept no for an answer. For example, they say, “come to the Friday night service, you said you don’t work on Fridays you not doing nothing so come on down” it’s annoying when they do that because it’s like they trying to trap me into coming but all this does is push me away further and further. Like I said I wasn’t perfect because I broke up with my ex through a text message so I’m not trying to appear innocent.  If you would like to hear more about why I broke up with my ex, through a text message and the events take took place then comment below. If you read this long blog from start to finish appreciate you because this took a lot of thinking to write this. I love relating to people that been heart broken because I know how it feels.   I heard this in church once

 

“We all have gotten hurt by somebody and we all will hurt somebody”

 

What About Men?

 

 

  Two days ago, I wrote a blog about my views on women

(click link below if you haven’t read my previous blog)

(“What makes A Woman A Slut”). 

I know a few of you that follow me have read my previous blog and requested a follow up blog on men. This was my most challenging blog. In this blog, I will talk about my opinions regarding men and how they are judged compared to women. Not only will this blog talk about men with high body counts, it will talk about how men are judged, and what’s places men in the “Niggas ain’t shit category”.

We can agree that women are judged in many ways and one way she is judged is by her body count. For those of you that don’t know, a body count is the amount of people you had sex with. People will classify a woman with a high boy count as a slut, thot ,hoe , hoe ass bitch, skank and many other names. But like many of you that are curious to know, what about men? What are men labeled when their body counts are higher than football numbers?

Unfortunately, in this society men with high body counts aren’t  judged harshly like women that have high body counts. The reason why women are judged more harshly is because women with high body counts are judged harshly by both genders. Men on the other hand, are only judged harshly by women when having a high body count.  Men usually glorify other men when they have such an enormous amount of bodies. Most men actually want a high body count because  most men believe a high body count could make him more popular and give him more confidence.  I don’t judge a man or woman off their body count. It’s more than just a high body count to determine rather a man or woman lacks morals. Now I am going to talk about how men are judged compared to women.

Now as I said, men with high body counts are usually praised upon by other men. But a lot of men in this world are considered “Fuck boys” or are placed in “Niggas ain’t shit” category.  According to the average person, this is why men labeled as  fuck boys or placed in the “Niggas ain’t shit” category?

  1. A man that’s just want’s pussy and have no intentions in being in a relationship
  2. A man the cheats on his wife/girlfriend

Now let’s break this down and I will explain why men that just want pussy are judged. A fuck boy is a guy who doesn’t respect women, yet relies on her heavily for one thing. He is a guy who is distant, doesn’t care about a women’s time, self-absorbed and is never looking for anything serious relationship wise. Women want sex just as much as men do, but women(not all) want men to respect them. Respect comes first and a fuck boy doesn’t respect women because his only interest is to gain access to her private territory by any means necessary.  But if a man is only interested in looking for sex, but still respects women is that a bad thing? If a man just wants sex from a women he is attracted to, does that automatically means he is disrespectful to her?  Men aren’t judged by the number of bodies, but they are judged for just only wanting sex. When a man just wants sex and nothing else, the average woman will define him a fuck boy and place him in the “niggas aint shit” category. To be honest I don’t see nothing wrong with a man just only wanting sex from a girl he finds attractive if he’s honest to her. I believe you can be a gentleman if you are only interested in having sex and not commitment. The problem is people in society automatically assume a guy is a fuck boy if he rejects commitment but only wants sex. As I said in my last blog, you don’t need to be relationship to have sex.  Also just because a man cheats on his wife/girlfriend does not automatically define him as a fuckboy. You can’t judge a man if you don’t know him. Until you know the reason why he cheated, or why he is only interested in sex and not commitment, don’t place him in the “Niggas ain’t shit category”  Shortly I will discuss  some factors that defines a man as fuck boy and the factors that places him in the “Niggas ain’t shit” category but before I do, I will briefly discuss another thing that women judge men harshly on.

 

 

                                       Wack Sex 


A lot of men will relate to this. Now I understand women don’t want a boring sex life but women judge men who are inexperienced very harshly when it comes to the sex department and I think that’s unfair. What confuses me is women will complain about fuck boys just wanting sex from them, but will dump the good guy in a heartbeat if he can’t satisfy her. Let me explain something, women hate “WACK DICK” with a passion. Women hate “SMALL DICK” with a passion. But why? Why judge a man on what he doesn’t have no control over? Sex can be taught it just takes a little practice. Bad sex should not be the only reason why you should leave or cheat on your partner. Inexperienced men get judged more harshly than inexperienced women when it comes to sex.

 

 

   I will now discuss what are the seven factors that places men in the “Niggas ain’t  shit”category”                    

                                     

                                                           Take a look at this list below


  1. Being a deadbeat father
  2. Lying to a woman in order to get some pussy
  3. Believing a hoe can’t turn into a housewife
  4. Acting tough with a woman, but don’t do nothing when another man is in his face
  5. Having an affair with your homie’s girl or wife
  6. Disrespecting his mother
  7.  7.A rapists

                                               Being a deadbeat Father


Being a deadbeat father to me is the 2nd worst on the list. Why the fuck would you bring children in this world if you have no intention of taking care of them?  To all the women that are having sex, be careful who you are having unprotected sex with.  Hell half of these men don’t even that they have kids that exist in this world. Some of these men will have sex with multiple women unprotected but don’t check themselves for STD’s. As a man you need to take care of your children. Every child has the right to know who is father is. Now there are deadbeat mothers in this world and they are just as bad. I believe deadbeat fathers are judged more harshly then deadbeat mothers (everybody may not agree with this) . Have you notice that Mother’s day is more popular than Father’s day and have you ever wonder why?

                                         Lying to a woman in order to get pussy


Why do men have to lie in order to get some pussy from a girl he want to fuck? Why can’t men just be honest and tell women what they really want instead of lying to them? Men will lie and make all these false promises to the girl he is talking to telling her he wants commitment , meanwhile he is bragging his homeboys, spreading his sexual business about how good he hitting it. Women aren’t sex objects.

 

                                      Believing a hoe can’t turn into a house wife


I use to believe that a hoe can’t turn into a housewife as well. But I realized, it was ignorant for me to accept this logic. You can’t judge a person if you weren’t in their past. Not saying that it’s acceptable to be a hoe, but a lot of promiscuous women are depressed and use sex as in addiction to escape the misery in their life(I will talk more about this in my future blog)

 

                          Acting tough with woman, but don’t nothing when another man is in his  face


Some men are so quick to act tough with women, calling them out their name, even physically fighting with them but won’t do a fucking thing when a man gets in his face. This type of guy is a pussy. Women do the same thing. They will act tough with men, calling him out his name, getting in his face but won’t do a fucking thing when another woman get in her face.

 

                                       Having an affair with your homie’s girl or wife


You ain’t shit if you fucking your best friend’s wife or girlfriend. You lack morals, provide no loyalty, and a fucking snake. Women that are fucking their husband’s best friends are just as bad.

 

                                                       Disrespecting his mother


No man should never disrespect his mother. Nothing is more powerful that a mother’s love. Your mother made so many sacrifices for you. Let me explain something to the men that disrespect their mothers. When you get your heartbroken, your mother heart is broken. When your baby momma kick you out the house and fucking other niggas, your mother will let you stay with her until you land on your feet. When you drowning in bills, and child pay is killing your pockets, the only person that’s gonna give you money to help you survive is your mother. Most of these girls you messing with don’t give a fuck about you. Never ever put another woman before your mother. Your mother is number 1.

 

                                                                       A rapist


This is the worst on the list. I hate a rapist. Rape is worse than murder. If you ever raped a female, forget being place in the “niggas ain’t shit” category you deserve a life sentence in prision.  I won’t go into detail because I will write a blog about this in the future.

 

 

 

In the future, I will write two more blogs about sluts and fuck boys. I will discuss how women become sluts and men become fuck boys. This blog and as well as my previous blog, talks about what defines a woman as a slut and what defines a man as a fuck boy. But it’s important to know how and why men and women become this way. Thank you for reading and if you have an opinion, comment below

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Makes A Woman A Slut?

Please read before you criticize this blog and assume I am judging women.

This was a topic t I was a little hesitant to post up. But I decided to go with my instincts and post this blog up anyway. I feel like some people can relate to this blog. Now I am not slut shaming any woman at all so if anybody get offended by reading this blog, just comment below and I will  apologize  and I will try my best to explain the meaning of  this blog. In this blog, I will talk about promiscuous women and why women become promiscuous. This is just another topic like any the other topic. Some people will agree with me, some people won’t. I have question (this has nothing to do with blog I am going to talk about)  I am curious, have you ever had somebody commented on your blog that criticized your opinion? Isn’t it annoying when people criticize your opinion or beliefs? It’s okay to disagree with people but at least listen and respect their opinion. If somebody’s blog is offensive to you, then just stop reading it and move on to the next blog.

 

 

What makes a girl a slut?

 

A long time ago, my friend and I had a discussion about promiscuous women and why they act the way do and what makes a woman promiscuous. Many believe a high body count makes a girl promiscuous and  I agree to an extent. But I started thinking and I came to realize that there are other factors that come into play when determining what makes a girl promiscuous.  The definition of a slut is a girl who has many casual sexual partners. If I ever become a father in the future, I would raise my daughter and brimg her up with good morals becuase I wouldn’t want my daughter to be labeled as a slut. I believe women should be selective in who they are having sex with. I was thinking, if a woman doesn’t want to be in a relationship but still wants to have causal sex with other men, then I don’t see the problem with that as long as she is using protection. I believe you do not have to be in relationship if you want to have sex because there is a difference between catching feelings for someone and having sex with someone. I believe you don’t need to have feelings for somebody to have sex. So my point , is a high body count enough to determine if a woman is a slut?  Everybody have their opinion regarding that question, but to me I don’t have a straight forward answer to that question so I am going to break my answer down.

As I said in the previous paragraph there are other factors that come into play when I determine what makes a girl a slut.

  1. If she has been pregnant before
  2. If she has caught an STD before
  3. If she slept with somebody that’s more than twice her age
  4. If she had more than 2 one night stands
  5. If she has a habit of sleeping with married men or men committed in a relationship(knowing they are married ahead of time)
  6. Of course obvious, if her body count is more than half her age
  7. Out of her body count, more than half of those men were men she wasn’t in a relationship with(This one is 50/50 because this one is not necessarily mean nothing)

 

Out of the seven that I mentioned above, if a woman can say yes to at least four of these things then that will determine the type of girl that she is. A pregnancy does not automatically  assume that a girl is a slut because unplanned pregnancies happen in marriages all the time. So I don’t want anybody to think that I am judging. A married woman can catch an STD.  An STD does not automatically assume that a woman is slut.  I believe that everybody is entitled to at least two one night stands, now if you have more than two, then I believe  that you make reckless decisions when it comes to sex, but  reckless decisions doesn’t automically define a woman as a slut. If a woman has a habit of sleeping with married men or men that are in a committed relationship, then I believe  this  is slutty behavior which demonstrates that she probably  lacks morals. No woman or man should not sleep with someone’s else spouse. Now if you only had sex with a married man and you knew ahead of time that he was married, then I believe you need to reevaluate your morals and standards. If you  slept with more than one  married man or a man in relationship more than once(key statement “more than once”) then you just don’t care and you are living reckless.  Number 6 and 7 are the ones I am going to go into full detail.

 

As I stated earlier many people believe that a high body count is what makes a woman a slut and to an extent I do agree. But I also stated I do believe a woman don’t need to be in a relationship to have sex with men.

Picture this scenario and tell me what’s more disgusting. You have 2 women,  Vanessa and  Joyce.

Vanessa is 27 and never been in a relationship. She been on a few dates occasionally , but she likes having sex because she has a high sex drive. Her body count is 24 and out of the 24, 23 of those men used protection. Only one  guy she had raw sex with but the one guy she had raw sex with, gave her an STD. She got checked out got rid of the STD and now she makes sure she uses protection with every guy she has sex with in the future. 

Joyce is 30 years old and she is currently single. She has been in four relationships. In every relationship she is known to have pregnancies scares, one of her ex  boyfriends gave her an STD, but  her body count is only 8 men. She been in four relationships so that’s four bodies, the other four  bodies are men she had casual sex with. Out of the four men she had causal  sex with, one is married with 3 kids, the other is engaged ,and she is currently having sex with both of them. Once in a while(not often) they don’t use protection. Not only that, once a month she still have with sex with her ex  from the past that gave her an STD   and he never uses protection at all and on top of that he has a girlfriend. Joyce only has eight bodies. Joyce body count is a lot lower than Vanessa but Joyce is more reckless because of the amount of unprotected sex she had. Vanessa body count is much higher, but 98% of the time she is careful with who she sleeps with and she only have sex with single men. If she did have sex with a married man, then she didn’t know the man she was having sex with was married. Now my question is, between Joyce and Vanessa who do  you think lacks more morals and who is more promiscuous?

 

This blog I admit is very unfair, but so is racism and politics. Life in general is unfair. A lot people will get offended but before you assume I am judging really read this blog and think about it because this is our reality. People only want to hear the truth when its positive or it’s something in their favor. I wrote this blog to really show people that it’s more than just a high body count to judge a woman. A low body count does not mean a woman is classy.  I also believe that a woman with a high body count can have the potential to be a good mother and a good faithful wife/girlfriend.  By the way I know the majority of my followers are women so just to let you know, it’s no double standard because men too lack morals as well and I will write a blog about that in the future as well. If you want to comment on this go right ahead, but the comments are optional. If you don’t feel comfortable expressing your opinion then you can keep your comment to yourself.  But please read and understand before you assume I am judging or slut shaming.

Money, Power, and Popularity 

World is corrputed 24/7
Criminals or reverends
everybody’s loyalty in question.
Money, Power, and popularity
seems to be over loyalty.
Jeasouly always more common
than loyalty
since bible days
That’s  why Abel
was murdered by cain.
Money addictive like
Cocaine.
Money combined 
with fame
turn Christian wives
promiscuous
The morals they use to
have made them oblivious.
Personalities of the
rich and poor
always a difference
No food on a
plate will make
somebody commit
a homicide.
Same person
commit a homicide
today
prayed to God yesterdsy
to be in a better place.
In society popularity
rules everything,
Overshadowing real talent
morals loyalty.
Drug lords and hustlers
pussy  is handled to them
easily
until they become state property
even if they state property
temporarily.
Always concerned
about celebrities
Tweeting on Twitter
“Free etc”
But are celebrities
saying “Free us”
when we locked up?
Most of these celebrities
don’t give a fuck
about us
it’s just us being a fan
help them to generate money
into their savings.
When we locked
people that visit us is
family.
But some of us
will turn our back on
family for a celebrity.
Some celebrities refer
to women as bitches
and they accept it.
But let your average guy
or some geek
refer to women
as bitches
now do you think
those same
women accept it?
Money, power, and
popularity makes
ignorance rule over
common courtesy.

Truth VS Lies

Lying makes a situation more complicated.
Lying is pretend facts that are not realistic
but speaking actual facts isn’t either so simplistic.
Truth and lies, is all we hear.
They say to tell the truth to someone if you really care.
But believe it or not people believe what they wanna hear
But should you tell the truth, if the person can’t handle it?
The truth can be a real bitch
But yet honesty is the best policy
Do you think so really?

Sometimes we lie, to protect a person’s feelings.
People say what the other wanna hear, just to see someone smiling.
But believe it or not people say it’s better to tell the truth then to lie(“Truth will set u free”)
Telling the truth you make you live freely 
On the inside lying makes you feel guilty

But should you lie, if you trying to protect a person’s feelings?
The truth hurts
But yet honesty is the best policy
Lies do catch up with you
but telling the truth can be more difficult then solving a Rubik’s cube.

Do you think people would be more happy or miserable  in this world if everbody told the truth?