I Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 1)

I just want to let you know that  tomorrow at 6AM, I will be uploading a Christmas poem so make sure to check that out. On Monday December 3, I will upload the answers to the riddle I posted yesterday Who Can Solve This Riddle? and it’s an interesting riddle. For those you that watched Nickelodeon as kid, you might be able to solve my riddle.  I just want to thank all of my followers and God bless you all.  Before reading my story, I will advise for the ones that don’t know me to read Who Am I? to understand what type of person that  I am and I think that will help you make sense of this story. If you have any questions about the story below please comment below

 

 

I will never forget my 25th birthday. 2014 – 2015 I was going through depression. In October 2014, was the first time I got my feelings hurt and went through serve depression and it was over a girl I use to date. But I might as well start from the beginning and this is a long blog just to give you a warning.
Now in October 2014, that was the year that I had lost my great grandmother and also the year that I have lost the love of my love. Now I will admit, it was mostly my fault in which why things ended between us but I had good reasons into which why I broke up with her. 1) because I didn’t want to get her pregnant and 2) I felt like like she wasn’t really into to me like she said she was. So anyway to continue, we broke up but remained friends. While we remained friends, I still had strong feelings for and deep down wanted to be with her but still was satisfied with being friends with her. Throughout the friendship from December 2014 until July 2015, I received nothing but mixed signals from this girl. At first I feel like she wanted to be with me, but then on other days I felt like she wanted nothing to do with me. I am going to talk about all the bullshit I went through for 7 months.
In December 2014 me and my ex was texting. Now my dad told me that he was going away for 3 weeks. So I told my ex, I am happy because I will have the house to myself for 3 weeks. Her exact words were “Nice and you better invite me over to your house”.
I responded “lol nah you can’t”. She responded “Why not lol?” Now at the time I was naive and I thought alright maybe she does wanna come over. So fast forward 2 weeks later on New Years Eve I texted her ” Since you off tomorrow do wanna come over?
She said ” What time?”
I said “At 2, but it don’t matter what time.”
She said “She said well if it don’t matter the time, then I will let you know.” Now in the back off my mind I felt like she didn’t wanna come over because if she really did then she just would of said yes. Next day comes by and I didn’t hear from her. I wished her Happy New Year and she wished me Happy New Year and she never even mentioned come over to my place or anything. So I assumed she was hoping that I didn’t bring it up or hoping I forgot about inviting her over. Even though in the back of my mind I knew she was avoiding coming over to my house, I didn’t make it a big deal though,I let it slide becuase I figured maybe it wasn’t best that we have sex anyway since we just friends.
Fast forward to February 2015, so me and my ex were still friends texting on a regular basis. I wanted to hang out with her before school started in March. So  we were on the phone talking and it was a Sunday. Over the phone, I asked her “Since I’m going back to school soon and I’m gonna be really busy do you wanna hang out this Friday ?” She was hesitant and said “I’ll let you know” So now in my head I’m like wtf like it’s either yes or no you know if you free on Friday or not. So we texted throughout out the week. Now Friday comes and for second I thought about asking her again if she was free for Friday, but then I’m like nah, she said she would let me know so the ball is in her court. So we texted throughout Friday and she never mentioned or got back to me about hanging out for Friday. So now I got a little irritated. So what I did was I purposely waited until two days to bring up the issue. You see, what she was doing was she she says”I’ll let you know” because she really don’t have interest in hanging out with me but she don’t wanna be straight forward she rather string me along. So I decided wait two days because I knew she was hoping I would forget. So two days later which is a Sunday I texted her “You never got back to me about hanging out on Friday” She says ” I was waiting for you to mentioned it” So I said “When I asked you to hang out and you said you let me know” She said”Oh I did, oh I’m so sorry it’s just that I’ve been stressed out this” basically she was giving me bullshit excuses.
Now let’s fast forward to April 2015. I was texting her and I was a little tipsy. She knew I was tipsy so she ask  me do I still have feelings for her. Now I honestly don’t remember what my response to that question was because this happened like three years ago, but one thing that did cross my mind was the fact that as soon as I told her that I was tipsy then she wanna know if I had still had feelings for her. It’s funny because when you tipsy or drunk that’s when the truth comes out. She thought she was slick lol. But anyway this was when the fast and the furious 7 movie came out and I told to her that I plan on seeing fast and the furious movie and your invited if you want to see it. So basically I was leaving it up to her because I was going to see the movie regardless. So she said that she wanted to see it. So I said to her well alright just remind me on Saturday so I won’t forget. I purposely said that to leave the ball in her court because I’m not really trying to chase after nobody too hard. On Saturday surprisingly she texted me ” So we still going to see this movie right?” and I said “yeah “I will pick you up at work.” So I picked her up at work and we go see this movie. The mood was alright for the most part. So after the movie we walking towards my car and I tried to kiss her but she wasn’t feeling the mood. I kissed her for about 5 seconds. I tried to get closer but she stop me, went in the car and closed the door on me. You have no idea how that felt. Like we texted everyday, I was going to church with her family on a regular basis, I would  pick her up from work, and a  week prior she asked me if I still had feelings for her and this is what I get in return. I got pretty pissed off. So on the ride back home it was quiet in the car. I dropped her off home and I was tight. I came to the realization that maybe I should just move on because at this point I felt like there was another guy she was messing with.

I will stop it right here because this is a long story. I know this is confusing and hard to follow and this may seem unorganized but this happened a while ago and I’m trying to remember everything that happened. In case you guys are wondering why I was angry and confused is because throughout the months when my ex and I broke up,  did try to get back with her back in November 2014, but she told me that she needed a break and time to heal because she been heart broken before and I understood that but we agreed that we will remain friends. But as the months went by, I started to think to myself like if she needed time to heal then why are we friends? Either we should just be together or just go our separate ways. I now know that when you  need time to heal from a broken heart you should not remain contact with your ex. For those of you reading this, if you think this is bad, it gets much worst but I will upload the rest of the story next Friday. If any of you are annoyed or pissed off with what was said in this story, I highly recommend you not to read part 2 because it get worst. That’s all I’m gonna say. Part 2 will take place from April 2015 until July 2015 which will lead to my 25th birthday.

Who Am I?

I normally don’t talk about myself but I figured on this blog I should introduce myself to those that are following me. My name is David Hockaday and  I am 27 years old. I was born on June, 22 1990 and unfortunately  I am the youngest of three children and I am and proud to say I was born a black man and I will never be ashamed of that.  In this blog, I will discussed how I started writing poetry, why I love poetry, why I started blogging, my deepest fears, my strengths and weakness, my deepest questions, and where do I see myself in the future.

About three years ago I was very depressed and ashamed of myself.  I was going through hard times in the year 2014. I was recently going through a breakup and my great grandmother died that year. All my life, I have been an over thinker. I think way too hard on simple things. My mind is like a two year old running wild in walker. My thoughts are all over the place and I get distracted easily.  As far as me overthinking, that comes from me being ungrateful with my life wishing I was somebody else, and being nervous about everything. I have nervous anxiety and I am very shy, that’s why I don’t have a picture myself in my bio icon. For those of you reading this, you have no idea what I’m going through and its not easy being me. Now I don’t hate my life but it can be a lot better.  I won’t say I hate myself, but I hate how unfair the world can be which caused me to overthink since I am the kind of person that tries very hard to understand people. I always felt(even to this day) that people are selfish and don’t give a fuck about you. Just to let you know, I curse a lot. But to not go off topic, I was heartbroken 3 years ago and I blamed myself because I felt like me overthinking is what led to the destruction to the relationship. Next month, I will talk about my previous relationship and why things ended the way it did.  So as far as me overthinking, I realized I had a serious problem and I needed to do something to improve myself. So my best friend, “David Earle” recommend me to see a therapist. I was eager to to get help so I looked up online to where to seek therapy and eventually I found someone. I remember, it was November 2014, exactly three years ago when  I first started  going to therapy.  The first session  was the hardest because I was scared to open up. The advice that my therapist gave me was to write your thoughts down on paper. So one day  I was thinking  really hard as usual about my deepest emotions. The type of person that I am is I try so hard not to express my emotions so I try to use logic with every situation I encounter. So I was bored and I just started writing my thoughts on paper about logic and emotion in poetry format unintentionally. I say unintentionally because I didn’t even know I had words rhyming until after I finished writing my thoughts on paper. This was very my first poem that I wrote which was exactly three years ago.

Logic vs emotion

“There is always somebody better than you in everything you do, but it’s okay because is always somebody worst than you
Just do the best that you can and be proud
Because we all failed at something, so why live in doubt
The human heart and the human mind is so cohesive that most people don’t know it,
Without them both, humans wouldn’t even be able to function
But at times, people say listen to your mind or follow your heart , but this is confusion
The mind helps to look at things with a logical perception
The heart helps you to look at things in a emotional perception
So life is really  a battle between logic vs emotion
What would you pick?”

I send this to my friend,”Andrae Croll” and his response was ” This was deep”. When I told him, I wrote this, his response was “Become a poet bro.” Ever since then, I decided to write my thoughts in poetry format to see how talented  I was. So I want to thank my friend, “Andrae ” for inspiring me to write poetry. Poetry has helped me in so many ways. I have a talent that I am proud to brag about because of you. If it wasn’t for poetry, I don’t know how I would make it through the day with my overthinking ass. I scared to admit this, but I was so broken three years I had thoughts of suicide I can’t even lie. When you break somebody’s heart and you blame yourself and you doing everything you can to try to heal a broken heart and nothing is working plus you overthinking everything. You don’t have no idea how much much energy was draining the shit out of me. Imagine accidentally killing your child, that’s how  I was feeling and nobody knew. Not even my parents knew how I was feeling because I can very well hide my emotions.  So again thank you “Andrae Croll” and “David Earle” for saving me.

  I love poetry because it is a stress reliever. Poetry is exercise for the brain and poetry helps organize my thoughts in a patter that’s unique. When I write poetry, I am telling a story of my life experiences or other people’s life experiences. When I write my poems, I can write them on the spot. It only take me a few minutes to write a poem. As time when on, I started becoming more advanced with poetry writing in story format. It feels good, when you have a talent that can take you places. I wished I would have discovered this talent of writing poetry when I was a kid because in college, I would of majored in creative writing. Funny thing was in high school, English wasn’t my strongest subject. Rap music and battle rap have a big influence on my poetry. I love songs that have deep meanings behind them. I have been told that I’m a deep thinker but  to be honest I’m not really sure it’s hard for me to tell. But I when I write a poem, I put 100% effort into writing a poem. Poetry helps me to keep my mind sane, like inmates lifting weights to subdue the stress of being on the inside.

  Now I started blogging two months ago. August 18th, 2017 was when I uploaded my first two blogs. I had no intentions on blogging prior to August 18th. Never been a big fan of social media but I do have a twitter account. I been on twitter since 2013 but  I am not a constant user. I was very addicted to twitter during 2013 and 2014. I use to tweet all the time. Once I became an apprentice for local 3 in 2014, I became very busy and exhausted so I didn’t have the time to use twitter like I did before. In 2015, I started working two jobs. I was working seven days a week. Picture this, Imagine working seven hours Mon-Friday, 7-2:30pm, Mondays and Tuesdays(not always) picking your mom up from the train station at 6:45,  then on Wed I would have college which is required for the apprenticeship from 4pm 6pm after work. Transportation was a bitch because I live in long Island, NY .  School and work was in the city so I wasn’t getting home until 8 p.m. Then on Thursdays, I had to get up at 4:30 am, just so I  could get to work at 7:A.M. Thursday was my worst day because I had electrical theory class which was too required by the apprenticeship. Class would start at 5 p.m. and end at 8:30 p.m. I wouldn’t get home until after 10:00 p.m. and I had to be up at 4:30 for work the next day. On top of that I had a weekend job. On Saturday, I had  little bit of  breather because I had work from 4:30 – 8:30 p.m. but on Sundays I had to work 13 hours from 7:00 a.m – 8:30p.m. I had to work a minimum of 17 hours a week for my weekend job. Only 4 hours was available  for Saturdays, so Sundays I had to work 13 hours to make up the difference. Then imagine the next day which was Monday, you had to get up at 4:30 A.M to got to your weekday job. I had to do this for two years straight.  One benefit was I was stacked up in the bank. I will talk about this in the future, so to make a long story short, I was burned out and I eventually end up quitting both jobs because I wasn’t happy at all. Imagine working two jobs  that you hate, not dislike but hate. Well I didn’t hate my weekended job but it was burning me out. My weekday job, I hated that shit. I respect local 3 union but it was not for me. So when I quit 6 months ago,  I had so much free time I didn’t know what to do with myself. So I started using twitter again. But for some reason, twitter got annoying. In 2013, I was addicted to twitter because I use to tweet my deepest thoughts and read everyone Else’s tweets. I thought at the time people were unique. Twitter was ignorant but I loved every moment of it. I too can be ignorant sometimes but that’s okay because there is a time and a place for everything. But now I realized twitter is a popularity contest. To me it’s like high school all over again. People tweet the same shit over and over. It’s about loyalty, relationships, men are trash etc. You can tweet whatever you want no problem but people try so hard for attention. For example, everybody on twitter swear they are loyal and faithful. Those are the type of tweets I see, but I will telling you something.  I can guarantee you that 90% of the people on twitter cheated at least once, but people are not admitting it. Most importantly you can’t have an opinion on twitter without somebody insulting or criticizing  you. It’s always the people that don’t follow you, that always be you in your goddamn mentions criticizing you. So I just got fed up. On August 18th, I was on Instagram and looking this girl profile and I saw a link. I click on that link which brought me to her blog on word press. I started reading some of her blogs and  I thought they were interesting. I saw the feedback she was getting and her blog page looked very neatly organized.  Then instantly I thought about starting my own blog because I have a lot to talk about and I’m always curious to read about other people and getting to know them. I love giving feedback on deep topics. Not only that, I needed a platform to post my poetry. So later that day, I decided to open an account on word press to post my poetry. But I also love reading other people’s post to see if I can relate to the thoughts of others. I love to express myself on paper, but in person I’m very shy and it’s hard to communicate in person. So all of these reasons combined is why I started blogging and I fell in love with it ever since. I appreciate  all of my followers and I try my hardest to interact with all of my followers.  It’s a blessing to have people like my blogs, even a greater blessing for people to comment my blogs. I didn’t expect to have much success with word press.  When I give feedback on other people blogs, I usually get a response back and   I am so grateful that I am being acknowledged in the first place. I don’t ask for a lot so when I get a comment on one of my blogs, it lights my day up like a Christmas tree. If I could at least reach out to one person or if one person can just see the effort I put in writing a poem then I feel like I accomplished something. But just having my followers like my blogs, is an accomplishment alone.

   My deepest fears, is accidentally killing somebody, losing  a physical fight, public speaking, being affectionate, and going to hell. I wish fear didn’t exist but I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t fear anything.

   Some of my weakness

  1. Overthinking
  2. Worry myself to death
  3. Not speaking up
  4. Being easily distracted
  5. Being sleepy all the time
  6. Having a low sex drive(rather watch porn then have actual sex)
  7. Not opening up to people
  8. Short term memory is awful
  9. Being kind
  10. Cursing all the time
  11. Lacking common sense
  12. Not being affectionate
  13. Rather be alone then to be around company
  14. Not telling my family whats going on with me. They don’t even know I have a blog account

 

Some of my strengths

  1. Writing poetry
  2. Being creative
  3. Being unpredictable
  4. Being funny(I’ve been told I’m funny)
  5. I have good long term memory
  6. Thinking ahead
  7. Minding my business
  8. Giving advice(depends on the situation)
  9. being respectful
  10. uplifting others
  11. Being able to be alone for  long periods of time
  12. Not needing a relationship to be happy
  13. Being perfectly fine with being single forever.
  14. Going long periods without having sex

 

My deepest questions

  1. Why did God create humans in the first place?
  2. If God will one day destroy Satan, will he ever create another Satan to take his place?
  3. How did God create himself?
  4. How does Heaven and Hell look?
  5. If more people go to hell then heaven, where would I end up when I die?
  6. If Adam and Eve were the first humans to exist, how did Blacks, Asians, whites and Spanish people come about?
  7. What if all the people living in society freely were to trade places with the inmates and the inmates were free, how fucked would the world would be?
  8. If everybody was guaranteed a place in heaven when they died, would the crime rate go up?
  9. If Adam and Eve were husband and wife, and Cain and Abel were brothers and in order for them to reproduce they had to have sex with their own siblings, why is incest disgusting? 
  10. If bible is written by man and man make mistakes, is everything in the bible accurate?
  11. Let’s say Hitler prayed to God for forgiveness for a week straight before he died, does he really deserve to go to heaven?  now let’s say you a deacon in the church who have a girlfriend and prays on a daily basis, what if he the day he dies he had sex with his girlfriend then 10 minutes later died in his sleep but within those 10 minutes he didn’t ask for forgiveness, is he going to hell?
  12.  God says husbands are the head of the household and to lead the family and wives are to submit, now what if the husband dies, will the wife be strong enough to lead the family on her own?
  13. For the Christians that pray to God, if your elders didn’t bring you up in the church, would you still believe in GOD, if someone was to ask you why do you believe in God, what would you say?
  14.  For Christian parents, if the bible say “Thou shall not judge” what would your reaction be if your daughter married a Muslim?
  15. For the Christians, if someone killed your child and you knew who killed your child are you honestly going to forgive that person or will you seek revenge? 
  16. If there are more rats in NYC sewers than people living in NYC, then how come rats haven’t took over NYC yet?
  17. Where and how did STD’s exist in the first place?
  18. For people that use protection when having sex, what do you fear more, an  unplanned pregnancy or an STD?
  19. If you commit suicide you automatically go to hell(unless you scarfice your life for someones else for a good cause) if you commit a homicide you can repent and ask God for forgiveness so another words what do you fear more killing somebody or going to hell? Your choice
  20. Does forever last forever?
  21. What if black people were slave owners and white people were slaves, would there be more black presidents? Would there even be a Mount Rushmore? Would there be a Malcolm X or Martin Luther King?
  22. If Abraham Lincoln didn’t exist, would I be a slave?
  23. If the devil is the composer of music, is all music  considered devil music?
  24. When you  type in “men” or “women” in the google search box do you ever notice that you mostly see white faces. You actually have to type “Black men” or “Black women” to see black people. Why is that?
  25. To the non racist white people, if black people learned to stick together and made peace when we stand up and fight against racism would you support and fight with us?
  26. To black people, would Malcolm  X and Martin Luther King be happy with black people as a whole (think about this!)
  27. We have a Martin Luther king day in January, how come we don’t have a Malcolm X day?
  28. Why on the NYS regents we are only about asked questions dealing with U.S. and European history,  why not black history?
  29. Why is it on February we celebrate black history month? Think about this, Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King, Malcolm X are all considered under black history category, why can’t they they just be part of history without adding “black” in front of the word “history”. Black people are no different from white people so why can’t history just be history and whites and blacks are all part one category?
  30.  After reading my previous question think again is black history month a good thing? Doesn’t it forces black people to only be concerned with history of our own race once a month. Black people from generations past shouldn’t be just talked about in February. They should be talked about every month. Again all humans are created equal so is it better to just have history as history and both blacks and whites from the past are talked about equally every month think about it?
  31.  When Eminem dropped freestyle in a cypher talking about Donal Trump, I thought his freestyle was excellent. I wasn’t really concerned with his flow or the way he was rhyming but what was being said and I appreciated  him for doing that but my question was why were black people saying his freestyle was ass or Eminem is not greatest rapper? It’s not about Eminem being the greatest rapper or having the best flow it’s much bigger than that. Why can’t we just respect Eminem for what he did?

 

 

To be honest, I don’t know where I see myself in the future but I hope where ever I’m at, I’m in a positive place and if I was to die today, I just hope the lord would accept me into heaven.  Again I normally don’t like to talk about myself but I decided not to be selfish and share with my followers who I really am and why  I am here. Out of 345 followers that I have, I would say about at least 5 of them would be curious to know who  I am, why  I started writing poetry, and what are some of my deepest thoughts. So I wrote this for the followers that are interested about me.  I think it’s important for my followers to know a little about me. I did talked about a lot with my life in this blog. Also I hope this blog encourages other bloggers to open up and not be afraid of who you are.

 

If you are interested in reading my poems, I will add link below to my poems

Darkest Poems

Heartless and Heartbroken 

Darkest Days

Sleepless and tired

Walking Willy The Cannibal

The World Doesn’t Care

Tired of being the nice guy

Am I a Alcoholic

Poems with an unexpecting ending

We Eloped 

Please Bless Me?

I Owe You

What’s For Breakfast?

Why So Loud? 

Sweeter side of my poems

Almost Gave Up But Didn’t 

I Love All Women (but this is for the black women)

Me vs Her (This is a poetry battle)

Me vs Her (Poem battle part 2)

The Demonstration Of Your Love

My most clever poem that may take time to understand or usually may tend to go over your head

The Use Of Double Entendre

Dear Journal

Get Lost In My Poems

My stories I may think about publishing

Don’t Tell A Soul(Chapter 1)

Don’t Tell A Soul(Part 2)

Don’t Tell A Soul Part 3

Hit List

Hit List (part 2)

Night Before My Wedding

Night Before Wedding(In the home girl point of view)

 

My most challenging poem that took me time to write

Colors of light and dark

 

I don’t expect you to click on every single link and read every poem. Just pick at least one poem that interest you or has the most clever title and click on the link and read it always welcome to give your honest feedback on anything that I post. Wish everyone a good night and for now one on the first day of each month, I will post a life experience so you can learn more about me. Goodnight everyone