How I Really Feel And I Won’t Lie(Part 3)

Before you read this, I highly recommend you read How I Really Feel And I Won’t Lie and How I Really Feel And I Won’t Lie(Part 2)first. I share my very personal thoughts in poetry format cut and dry and I don’t give a fuck. Through out this poem, I will have some sentences in bold in this poem because those are the quotes that are most powerful lessons that I learned.

The way I wrote this, I wrote this as if I was having a private conversation with a very close person in a confidential place, like in a pastors office or at a therapy session. So when reading this, picture this as if you are a pastor or therapist and after reading this or hearing this verbally, how would you respond?

I have a frightened look in my eyes,

so lord I ask you to be by my side.

It’s better to tell the truth than to lie.

I have a good heart

but I think about homicide and suicide.

Scared for my life and I’m weak

like an abused wife.

I don’t get beat, but at times,afraid to speak.

Absent minded is a weakness of mines.

I know improvement comes with time

but being criticized for years destroyed my spirit and pride.

Please show me the way to keep me safe.

When the way is available

I pray that I choose the right path to keep me safe.

Today all I know is that I have to pray

but how do I start?

Another weakness of mines

how do I finish what I start?

My mind is like

a hockey player skating on a hockey ring,

I am all over the place.

Can’t stay focus and I always had problems to concentrate

on anything.

I never had interest in going back to church

but I would reconsider if I can find the right person to relate to,

to show me how to follow you and make the right moves.

To teach me to do not what always feels good

but do what is right.

I don’t know why but all I know is I fear for my life?

I haven’t cried in three years.

Maybe I should release the pain by shedding tears.

Sometimes I hate myself for not speaking up.

So many times I let things slide like a water ride.

Am I worthy to be a man?

What is it that I don’t understand?

I am curious to know what is your plan?

Will I die in happiness tomorrow

or live in misery for the rest of the century?

Will I accomplish more than my parents

Or will I die with nothing and go to hell

when people visit me in the cemetery?

Will I be a legend?

Will I be just a short term memory?

Will I be loved for eternally?

“Will I escape the weather when it rains?

Or will I stand still and accept the rain

and look above my head at the dark cloud?”

I was fortunate to have both parents

and yet so many doubts.

“Is it right to hate someone you love?

Another words, can you love and hate somebody

at the same time?”

It’s better to tell the truth than to lie,

so I am fuming on the inside.

“So stressed since over the years I’ve been criticize,

so I became addicted to free time.

All I wanna do is just being alone with my thoughts

and zone out but this is not healthy right?

Is this the reason why I am lazy?

Is it because I am addicted to free time?

I can write and write

about all the fucked things that happened to me

but what am I accomplishing in life

by complaining all the time?

I have lied at times but it was because I am addicted the free time.

I should be happy and free right?

Telling the truth is the right thing

but telling the truth make you regretful

when the result of it makes you miserable,

so is it better to lie than to tell the truth?

So see how I am addicted to free time?

For being criticized

and always doing things other people’s way

is why I rather isolate into my own space.

I keep my feelings inside

but it takes up space

in my head and when it is time

for me to handle my responsibilities,

I can’t concentrate.

Overthink shit every single day.”

They say be careful what you wish for.

Well for years I wished for peace

but instead I bleed

and the people that stabbed me

are usually the people I don’t see

so I learned that betrayal is beyond my reach.

So I isolate my self to protect myself.

I talk to myself.

Is this bad for my health?

Well you can answer that

but I don’t give a fuck about your opinion

if you think I’m not an ordinary civilian

when you haven’t walked years down the path I took.

“You ever had a bad dream and thought it was real

and you was thankful you woke up and it wasn’t real?

Well imagine it in reverse,

I sleep and dream about heaven and peace

and wake up to brimstone and fire

so another words my reality is a nightmare?”

I can relate to the average inmate on the tier.

Ever wondered how an inmate or homeless person sleep?

Imagine having a good dream

and waking up to living on the street or in prison.

Or imagine dreaming about endless sex

with beautiful women but wake up knowing you are a virgin?

“Now this don’t sound so unpleasant

and this pain sounds lenient

but we all view things different.”

To that virgin, it feels like

his dick is in prison

and he has to wait years to release his semen.

His wrist has limited movement

from being cuffed and his wrist hurts

from constantly jerking off.

“For those of reading this,

do you see how I am relating masturbating to prison?

It’s about guilt and this how I feel.

Guilty like a criminal and my guilt

has my mind and body in a cell.

So jerking off is my exercise and freedom

to release tension and the blood flow is increasing

like I ‘m pumping iron

and my arm is so sore

I could barely lift it.

See how I related masturbating to prison?”

Let me stop bragging and explain my flaws

through erectile dysfunction.

My mind couldn’t function.

It was a little over four years ago,

but felt like yesterday

when I couldn’t play with it my way.

When I say it, I’m talking about

the vagina.

It’s in front me but I didn’t have the tool to use it.

“As a child you ever had video games and toys in front

of you

but wasn’t allowed to play with them

because you was on punishment?

Imagine that is this.

Felt like an unprepared student

always forgetting his pencil.

I had so much potential to be an excellent lover

but the pain was mental

and this is where I learned mental slavery

is worst than physical slavery.”

My mind is worn out

like the big bad wolf

when trying to blow the third little

pigs house down by huffing

and puffing.

Got tired of stressing

so went to the urologist

and got a sample of cialis.

Like nicotine, I got addicted to this

and raw vagina and cream pies felt

good like holding your urine for a hour straight

until you finally get home and then you start

releasing it

like a new video game coming out for Christmas

and because of cialis, the cells in my seamen

was like the crowd rushing on Black Friday in the front doors

of Walmart at midnight.

But constant pregnancy scares had me fearing for my life.

This was another mental fight.

So lesson I learned was, one problem solved

can add on another when you take shortcuts

but I’m hardheaded and I don’t know if I give a fuck

about making the same mistakes.

But anyway I went off topic and let me get back to it.

For a while this was pain for me

for worrying what others think of me

and that’s the weakness in me.

But I had to find a way escape this mental pain

when she choose another guy over me ( read I Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 1) andI Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 2) This is a very long blog personal blog

for full story).

So I blamed and hated myself and blamed God for not

getting hard.

But it’s whatever

because I realized there is better

and I’m talking about better vagina.

I pushed my integrity out the window

and paid for professionals.

Fuck passion and romance

getting my dick sucked and rough sex

became my best friends.

and sex with average girls became overrated.

Instead of letting them judge me,

I decided to judge them

and thought women were worthless

and do I still feel this way, hmm I honestly don’t know?

My lack of sex skills had me despising black women

and I am going to be honest,

I was in my emotions

acting sensitive like a little bitch

but I reminded my self

that I was a man

and I’m suppose to think with logic

and this time period for me

was difficult like algebraic expressions

so I found a way to simplify it

by reminding myself sex is overrated

and reminding myself of that

defined my mentality

like I was looking up something

in a Websters dictionary.

I was told

“Love is a serious mental diseases?”

“So hate is my weapon to conquer my enemy

because being hateful is selfish

and selfish people usually have the biggest hearts

and been through the worst type of heart breaks.”

This was something I just learned yesterday.

I will be more selfish

tomorrow for hating my yesterday

and today I received a present

a got a small heart to fit in my body.

So I’m an writing this to present

my soul for you to witness.

I can write for so long

you would think I am immortal.

My thoughts are for free, they are affordable

like united healthcare

but in reality it’s worth more

than any coin or dollar.

Was told plenty of times

my poetry is deep and powerful

so I hope when you read this

I helped you witness a miracle.

Now I can’t turn water into wine

but maybe I can save you from

committing a crime

or exiting out of somebody’s life

over some fucked up shit

because don’t be like I.

I am here to change lives

like a inmate on beyond scare straight

doing life

but I doubt if I would,

before I die.

Fuck wishing to be a billionaire,

I would rather die broke tomorrow

if tonight I can save a life.

As you can see, I can write all day

and all night

like an inmate, have nothing but time.

But what happens after I finish telling my life experiences?

So my question is, will I have another poem left in me

and when my work is complete, should I take my

life story to recite to an open mic?

I still have more to write and I think I will get darker and deeper. I think one day in the distant future, I will recite this to a large crowd to save people from becoming like me.

So when you reading this an imaging that you are a pastor or therapist, how would you respond?(No need to answer this question but its is something think about or even discuss with somebody else you close with)

But I will leave three questions for you to answer in the comment section

  1. After reading this, what are three words to describe this poem?

  2. Can you get your heart broken if you are a selfish person?

  3. While you were reading this, the statements I left in quotes, did you learn anything new or was everything relatable?

  4. I am always willing to learn so is there anything you would like to share about his or if you have a view point about something that I mentioned, feel free to comment below

  5. Also comment below if you have a good deep question for me to think about and I am willing to respond.

Image result for how i feel

And

Image result for how i feel

How I Really Feel And I Won’t Lie(Part 2)

Before you read this, I highly recommend you ready How I Really Feel And I Won’t Lie first. I share my very personal thoughts in poetry format cut and dry and I don’t give a fuck. Through out this poem, I will have some sentences in bold in this poem because those are the quotes that are most powerful lessons that I learned

I can write for days

while you observe

the pain on my face.

Plus I’m poor

like a report card

with bad grades.

“Myself, I choose to isolate

and use to do it

to keep my heart safe

but it just increased the rage

and I write poetry to release frustration.

to keep my head straight.”

I can snap at any given time

and space

and I’m sure some of you can relate.

I mean how much can a muthfucka take?

It’s sad when you ain’t

comfortable at your home base.

I zone out and stare off into space

wishing somebody else can take my place.

I use to wonder why I never had so many dates?

As I got older, I was like fuck a date,

paying for sex was the way.

For those of you that follow me,

I mentioned this in so many ways.

So many ways I can express my hate.

I hate a person that always thinks he/she right.

Thinking their opinion only matters in life.

I hate a person that’s tight

with money in their hand.

“I know people that will help a stranger

before a family member

or friend.

Loyal to the wrong person

until they are betrayed

and now back to family

they complaining expressing their hurt

and this is how life works,

the ones that don’t have it like that

will give you their last

and the ones that got it like that

are tight with it.”

It hurts because money rules the world.

I said over and over

“Loyalty push to the side when the price is right

and it been like this

way before Bob Barker’s time.”

Judas betrayed Jesus

for 30 silver pieces

way way before social media existed.

“Performing miracles isn’t impressive

because money is the real magic.”

Mind is playing tricks

falling victim to the devil’s wish

selling him your body and soul

and you just became his trick

and he pimps

you out to be worldly.

“Is worshiping God boring?

If the answer is yes

is this the reason

why more people go to hell then heaven?

How can we make worshiping God more exciting?”

Excitement comes three times,

when the dick is hard,

when the pussy is wet,

and when money involved.

Its an addiction we can’t stop.

If money was promised

to every person

that go to church on Sunday,

more people would be worshiping God.

Wouldn’t you agree?

See how this is fake pretending?

People only around to seek cheese

until you speak up and say no.

Behind your back

they make fun of the way you speak

after they take your money.

A few post back I said

“Same niggas they say

“Money over pussy”

put

“Pussy over family””.

Mothers out there fucking their son’s

right hand man to receive money in their hand.

Some mothers fuck for free.

If one of my friends

fucked my mother he dying for free.

“But I don’t have friends,

I have family.

So another words,

never trust a friend

because they can never be family.”

Friends are temporary like the temp agency.

We chase the wrong ones,

chasing the popularity.

“As a kid in high school,

was told talking to bitches

was what make you popular

because niggas want bitches

and bitches want niggas

that are popular

and being around fine bitches

is what make niggas popular.”

“High school is popularity chasing and chasing

something is a full time job

which is time consuming

and chasing too hard for something

will get you nothing”.

“Chasing too hard for something

will have trying

to pretend to be someone you not”.

It will make you look eve more corny.

Like a comedian trying to hard to be funny?

“Sometimes good things will come naturally

but we hate patience with a passion

and this destroys us spiritually

and we disconnect with God

and feel empty

like being in a relationship with somebody

w/o the chemistry.

But we get comfortable in solitary

so avoiding communicating

leads to cheating

and looking over your shoulder

to make sure you don’t get caught.

But we just students and bad experience

is the teacher but some students

don’t listen

so we try avoiding

getting caught

but being lucky isn’t guaranteed”

I will reiterate that

“Sometimes good things will come naturally

but we hate patience with a passion

and this destroys us spiritually

and we disconnect with God

and feel empty

like being in a relationship with somebody

w/o the chemistry.

But we get comfortable in solitary

so avoiding communicating

leads to cheating

and looking over your shoulder

to make sure you don’t get caught.

But we just students and bad experience

is the teacher but some students

don’t listen

so we try avoiding

getting caught

but being lucky isn’t guaranteed”

What is guaranteed?

Taxes, death

but what else is left?

Never guaranteed life

but we guaranteed

we will die the moment

you planted inside a woman.

Not guarantee to see life

some cells never make out the vagina

Some lives die inside but did God do those lives a favor?

Life is not sweet like candy

you’ll either will learn this now or later.

Either way it don’t matter

because I’m still bitter.

This is more than a long poem

I’m expressing true life emotions

and I’m doing ya a favor. I

tell the cold hard truth

and the amount of people that lie

you’ll see that the crowd is wide

like an angle that’s obtuse.

Lies we get so use to

we don’t believe it

when we actually meet a person

that tells the truth.

My poetry might not be great

but it speaks the truth

even if it embarrasses my personality.

So much to say

I have alot to say

I can write for days

while you observe the pain on my face.

My hidden emotions is my excuse

to how I became a talent poet

and I can tell a life story better than fresh prince

But what happens after I finish telling my life experiences?

So my question is, will I have another poem left in me

after this get uploaded?

I will upload a part 3 and maybe a part 4 .

Where Have You Been?

I normally write thought provoking poems but his is one of my more painful and darker poems. Before you read, if you are curious to know more about me, click on this link Who Am I?

Shit felt like yesterday when I was looking for you.
Alot of painful thoughts, late nights praying to you.
I was going thru scriptures in the bible trying to find answers.
A non-response from you left me drowning in deep water.
Now three years later, I now understand what it feels like
Overthinking during the sleepless nights and you was teaching me to hang tight.
Inexperience had me at a disadvantage, almost felt worthless when got my heart broken.
So instead of praying, I looked at every woman as a enemy.
I hated bitches and though they wasn’t shit and was only worth dick.
I had the wrong type of thinking, at first I tried praying to you but you wasn’t listening.
Your distance has me wanting to seek revenge
so paying for sex was my healing.
The orgasm was addictive even to this day I still need healing from masturbating.
The more I kept praying, the more I kept overeating.
My heart was like engine that was overheating.
It stopped beating and operating.
It was broken and dead and I held a grudge against you.

Why did you abandoned me when she destroyed me?
Why did you allow her to?
Everytime I look in the mirror I cried tears of pain?
I was really starting to hate you?
You said to cast our my anxiety since you care for me
but you left me drowning in the pool.

I made plenty of mistakes but my heart was in the right place.
Needed help since I experienced love a little late.
I prayed for the right path, but I fell in love at the wrong time and place.
Before I knew, I wasn’t doing things that I shouldn’t.
My only concern was to obtain a proper ejaculation even if it was premature.
Lack of erections had me feeling like a politician losing the election.
A gentleman but yet felt like a loser.
Got tired of this feeling, so went to the doctor
for Viagra.
Felt good to satisfy her needs, but dependent on a pill and I was only 24?
I blamed myself and hated myself.
I had thoughts wondering if I was corny?
I had thoughts wondering should I be lonely?
I had alot of potential in my personality
but you made me antisocial.
I feared being laughed so till this day
still don’t know how to be sociable.
Every time I think about it made me sick.
I was ashamed of my dick.
I fought this battle alone
and you didn’t defend me.
The klove songs no longer lifted me
It made me empty.
Strippers were the remedy.
I just wanted easy women and hated wome
that were classy.
But this wasn’t the proper thinking.
I looked up to but then I started to hate you like an enemy.
Because of the summer of 2015 was my worst memory.
I think bitches are the enemy.
I became a selfish because I don’t care to satisfy a bitch needs.
Now I’m quick to tell a bitch to cheat
if my dick can’t stay hard
I dom’t give a fuck.

Why did you abandoned me when she destroyed me?
Why did you allow her to?
Everytime I look in the mirror I cried tears of pain?
I was really starting to hate you?
You said to cast our my anxiety since you care for me
but you left me drowning in the pool

To get the Full Story please read I Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 1) and I Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 2) This is a very long blog personal blog

A New Man

A new lifestyle I must adjust to.
With very few to talk to
There was something I had to do.
I made a change for the better or at least I thought so.
Not much of a difference in my presence,
but at least I  learned my lessons.
The result wasn’t what I thought so.
Like quicksand, my life is sinking below.
My heart is happy but my mind worn out.
My heart is friendly but my mind is full of doubt.
In between confident and unconfident.
I made a decision and to myself I’m being honest
but to others I  am still being dishonest.
Swear life moves faster than sonic
because time is running out.
As time moves faster I am a poor farmer going through  a drought .
Lacking funds in my bank account makes the thoughts on my brain becomes loud.
So much I want to accomplish but what’s holding me back.
I don’t smoke crack and I’m not afraid to be black
but why does it feel like I am stuck in a trap?
My peers run past me on the track more than twice I have been lapped.
Be like a Malcom X who was brave but I  have the mentality of a slave.
Feel like others are robots  flying in space and here I am living in a cave.
Why am I so afraid?
My life is precipitation coming from the sky and I just watch it go down the drain in shame.
Thirty years ago and older at my age people my age were having babies.
Have been concerned for my future lately.
At my age I pray for my safety  and for that I am grateful
but I thought I would of been further so I am becoming hateful.
I lift weights and run to subdue my hate but it might be too late.
Like a violent inmate being stuck inside makes me more  to retaliate.
I am turtle trying to escape the darkness
So I hide in my shell but I  am still surrounded by darkness.
My feelings still trying to get in touch and acknowledge.
Prayed to God I don’t see myself falling as I look up to the sky.
Maybe this explains all the years I have been really really shy.
Learned not to follow others lead or let others follow mine.
Jealously is more common than loyalty most don’t want to see you shine.
I now see  rebuilding myself to get destroyed but ironically  the negativity I still choose to avoid.
There is still a little hope so no I won’t sell dope.
Life right now is stressful as I look at myself in the rest room.
Too much to multitask, so much to do.
But I will let angels guide me because I do have a plan to become a new man.
Maybe right this is just a tough battle and I will win the war.
Now I’m weak like cattle but I will have the strength of a boar.

How I View Life To Survive

My charisma contagious
Smile is priceless
but my soul is spacious
and refuse to sell it.
Been told mind is esoteric
Prelisten to speculations
of the public
which eventually made me
gregarious.
Reasons, there are various
why I remain benevolent
when the world is violent.
My habits perceived to be
idiosyncratic.
A role model
but yet not too didactic.
Reform situations
from being complicated to idyllic.
Must be concise and pacific
when articulating.
It’s not magic.
Think of it
more as recycling.
Mistakes is data on a flash drive
and my memory is saving.
To save is to prevent talent wasting
habits
I refuse to be redundant.
Resistant like a criminal
with an unexpected arrest warrant.
Nobody listens when it doesn’t benefit
their needs or attention.
so you get paid no attention
and receive no support
and easily falling apart
like a Skeleton without glue and wire.
But negative attention, we receive more than plenty.
Laughed at, being called a dummy, nasty, ugly a big baby.
Before the body is affected physically,
a stigma harms mentally.
We terrified of bullies, but we are our own worst enemies.
A second to view your reflection
will put you in a lifetime depression.
Daydreaming of hearing “You won”
gives us an obsession.
But it’s devastating, never satisfied with
being second
because we all want to be number one.
We all experience rejection.
Some of us let it go
Some of us fall victims of addictions
when we can’t handle afflictions.
A war that becomes mental
and your heart go cold.
It’s a race to seek revenge
since you have static
with the scapegoat
that left you heartbroken.

Can We Truly Get Rid Of Our Demons?

I sleep in peace

and wake up to the nightmare.

Always nervous and scared

While comparing my life to double dare.

The environment I cannot bare.

In the mirror I just stare

and pretend to be brave.

But I ‘m scared.

My luck is no where

and bad luck is everywhere.

Sometimes I just want to pull my hair out.

I no longer shed tears.

My balls is a waste of a pair.

I choose not to share

my deepest fears

since no one is near

to hear my fears.

In a world surrounded with snipers

and I am the deer.

Sometimes I dare

to let God to let me

live another day.

I wake up miserable and ashamed

Doesn’t the lord see the pain in my face?

I’m held back since I am part of the African American race.

I keep quiet so I don’t sound like I’m making excuses to some.

But being poor plus misery together,

just add the sum.

So miserable I become numb.

No matter how many scriptures I read,

I will always feel senseless.

The more I pray, the more

I feel like it’s meaningless.

Trust is pointless.

I was born a sinner

so I choose to be devious

because what’s healthy for us

seems to be tedious.

Life is supposed to be gorgeous

but I find it hideous.

How can I be cautious

when I haven’t slayed my demons?

The nightmare of living

and I wish I was dreaming.

My heart is in prison

serving a life sentence.

My mind is in hell burning

like the soul of Stalin.

Life is lonely when dick ridding

is something your constantly refusing.

Social media is the devils technology

and it’s an addiction

Instead of family,

social media become our guardians

guiding us in the wrong direction

like a broken compass.

Love and social media

have one thing in common.

The blindness of each of them

is contagious, harming generations.

Decision made of off emotions

Instead of logic.

Toxic like drunk driving.

We follow with our hearts,

but leave our brain behind

to get caught up in a bind.

Common problem is communication.

Basic skills like talking and listening

we learn in kindergarten

is forgotten.

Greed and ignorance is recurrent

leading sinners to sin

instead of asking forgiveness.

The more technology advances,

the diminish of communication

becomes more prominent.

Life becomes faster paced

and we struggle to keep up.

We are forced to be robots

In life and the program we follow is unpredictable.

So can we blame hypocrites for being hypocritical?

Technology increase the ignorance

but in reality ignorance always been existent.

This type of living is ancient,

Youtube and WorldStar

just made the ignorance

more prominent.

Life is violent now and it was violent back then.

The devil is our best customer

and demons behind him march

like American soldiers.

We pricing scanning our souls

when the price is right.

Desperate for a better life,

So we close the good book

for a better outside look.

Looks do fade,

and our bodies go out of business

because the devil found somebody else

to implicate in sin

since he already fooled you.

Now have you serving a life sentence,

now your soul burning.

Money causes a fire that can’t be

sprayed with extinguisher.

Money is the root

Jealously and hate is the stem

Bullets and HIV is the

and the dead body is the flower.

Demonstration of being a slave

to the devils power.

Power conquers

by using divide and conqueror.

So many people are modern day

Julius Caesars.

Men and women blame each other,

exposing each other on social media.

“Men are Trash”, “These Hoes Ain’t loyal”.

Children of God are so spoiled

and we are all disloyal.

Blaming each other on Social Media

Instead of helping each other.

The followers don’t care about your problems

they just entertaining your drama

and this is why I fear of having a daughter

because when years pass by it’s gonna get worst.

We as humans are overworked
Tired to the bone.
Stressed out for feeling alone.
Thoughts deep
like the voice of baritones.
Life is long but yet its short.
Time move slow when your bored
and alone.

But move fast when your under pressure
like a single father with 4 daughters.
I ask lord to forgive me for my sins
I’m devastated.
Lonely nights, so me and my hand got acquainted.
Drinking alcohol to subdue the pain until I fainted.
I look in the mirror and I ain’t shave in a minute.
My beard 6 inches long, I look wasted.
Time is precious
but I ain’t been happy in a minute.
Asking for forgiveness is complicated
because I ain’t forgive myself.
Upset like criminal
because parents refuse to post bail.
Anger consumes me and it’s an unconquerable
enemy.
Rage increases while drinking the Hennessy.
Road rage
and hallucinating like my weed was laced.
In a different time zone.
In a different space.
Cutting myself across the face
and watch the blood leak
in the drain.

Situations were too difficult to bare.
Got a mark that stretch from the chin to my hair.
Lost myself in the process
I’m searching for my soul
but I can’t find it.
I give up
I’m exhausted.
I remain soulless.
Full of shit like a toilet.
My life wasted like abortions.
I have a price tag on my body
and for the right price
I give you permission to take
my life.

Life is not a race

but I’m made fun of

for not finding my space.

A select few can relate.

My shoes tied

but still falling flat on my face.

Most problems on our own we create

but for heaven sake

bad luck is what I taste.

I wonder if my life was a mistake.

I tried for years to play it safe.

In dreams we hide from monsters

in real life the monsters are in hiding places

with the best disguises.

World full of surprises and I know this

so I always expect the unexpected

like erections in the wrong places

hoping nobody notice

but somebody is always watching.

Scheming, looking for a weakness

and bullies find this amusing.

So I’m paranoid

My heart is void

like the earth before it was created.

A monster inside me is the creation

To my devious patterns

of sinning.

A thin line between good and evil

and caught up right in the middle.

The good ones are constantly belittled.

For every problem solved,

always a more difficult riddle.

So I give up and cross the over to evil

And it was simple

Like crossing the street at midnight

and now inside of me.

Ever Wonder Why Your Life IS Fucked UP?

Mind is static
Like a routers IP address.
A hole in my heart
like a hollow in your chest.
I begin to ponder death
Contemplate the scenery
of the after life
since I have gave up on life.
I tried reaching for the sky
but can’t reach for something
you can’t touch.
Life is double dutch
and the double ropes
is the demons and
I’m struggling to not
come in contact.
20/40 vision
and can’t afford contacts
So as I age
I became unsighted like bats
for putting true love over everything.
Poetry is my Vaseline
to help mitigate
Since the demons in my head
are a pain in the ass.
So used to being uncomfortable,
when the mood is peaceful
automatically assume I don’t deserve
it’s presence
like a naughty kid on Christmas.
Negative is a shark
that smells the blood of my
positive thoughts.
When it devours,
light is overshadowed by the dark.
I worry like a parent searching at the park
for their missing child
 after dark.
Over and over I overthink.
The thoughts deeper than
a stab wound from a shank.
Worry like I have bills and no
money in the bank.
Disappointed like a husband
for only shooting blanks.
I’m always been ashamed of my pace
in life.
Just imagine racing with a tank during a drag race.
Dependent like a house wife
and broke like Buzz Lightyear’s arm.
These negative thoughts are annoying like flies.
When your broke and seek no improvement, time flies.
Like a confident player’s finger wrapped around a naive girl,
my mind is suffocating in this world
So I over eat when I feel lonely.
I masturbate when I get horny.
So embarrassed, so I avoid company.

Have You Ever Had regrets For Giving Up On Someone Or Something?

Closet is not clean,
Skeletons are hiding
and time is a demon
like a child without discipline.
Like gasoline,
the closet is toxic
and the skeletons,
need to get rid of them.
Put them in a coffin
and finally close it.
Love and pain is blinding,
emotions leading to crying
but for different reasons.
Different like the cells
inside the semen.
Still blinded from emotions
so I don’t see men
that can provide motivation.
The ones who hearts aren’t decent
are warriors for the demons
inside my closet.
Personalities are foul
like the smell of garbage
and negative energy
travels like sewage.
Can’t have love without pain
So subconsciously
fell in love with pain
when I learned that
falling in love is painful.
It’s pitiful
being trapped in your own closet.
Remaining still, suffering
while time is moving
like a old man driving
while it’s raining.
No umbrella but withstand the rain
that make puddles
near the drain.
Thoughts run like a drug addict’s
nose from sniffing cocaine.
Mind is racing
but my body is at ease.
For so long I wanted
to seek peace.
Like a homeless man that
wants to eat,
I beg and plead
for these demons to leave me.
It’s like a submissive wife
being abused by her alcoholic husband.
She is nervous and sweating every waking moment.
She loves him but is petrified
of the horrendous beatings.
Is she in love with pain?
Does she stay with him
becuase she believes
she can’t have love without pain?
This type of thinking is insane
like a section 8.
Like a parents reacting
to their teenage daughter getting pregnant
on the first date
is the type of feeling where I can relate.
Frustration and fear is a bad combination.
A pitbull and an American bobtail in the same yard.
A mile away I can just sense the tension
and these demons are staring at me hard.
In my own backyard, I struggle with my demons.
like a man on steroids struggle to maintain an erection.
Need to elude so suicide is what I am contemplating.
An easy way out is to let my demons have the closet.
Need to end my worrying which is destroying my mind
like a earthquake to a building.
Tired of being out numbered and fighting
alone without friends and family
so I will do myself a favor and put myself
inside the coffin.

It will be at least 2 weeks (maybe even longer) before I upload my next post.

Comment below if you think this is a good poem to recite at a open mic!

Comment below if you ever gave up on something and end up regretting it!

Next post I upload will be continuation to this poem of me being in hell and having regrets of committing suicide!

God Bless You All

Questions That Are Good Potential Blog Topics?

God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him” – 1 John 4:9

Before I go any further with my questions, I’m not 100% sure as of now but I could be taking a another break from blogging. For one, I have alot of shit I’m going through right now and I plan to take my poetry to another level by going to open mics, joining a poetry contest, and maybe getting my poems published. I wanna thank all of my followers I have gained since I started blogging. I really want to give a special thanks to my close followers and supporters because they always take the time to read my post and give me feedback. It’s easy to gain followers but it’s hard to build a fan base and make connections with people so I am thankful for the dedicated followers that support me 😎

I have a few questions that I think about since I am a curious person

1) What is the best relationship advice you can give somebody that don’t believe in God?

2) Do you notice that people that ask you to support them, will never support anything you do?

3) Why do we worship God, is it because we love God or is it because we fear God?

4) If you read the previous question, is it more common for people to be loyal to you because they love you or fear you?

5) How has social media made people anti-social in real life?

6) Why is it so hard to find a job in your career after you graduate college and why does internships and basic entry level jobs require experience like where are you suppose to get experience if every internship requires experience?

7) I may be crossing the line with this question but do you think bloggers use other bloggers just for support(if you confused just comment below and I will go in detail)?

8) Be honest, when you are reading a blog, what makes you more interested into reading a post?

9) Is it harder for a father to raise a daughter or for a mother to raise a son?

10) What are the pro’s and con’s of being a house wife?

11) What are the pro’s and con’s of being a working wife?

12) If a woman see a guy in her class, at her job, or at her church, and she thinks he is attractive and she wants to get to know him, should she approach him and ask him out or should she wait for him to approach her?

13) When is it acceptable for parents to lie to their kids?

14) If you are miserable at your job, should you wait until you find another job or should you just quit because your happiness comes first?

15) Do you believe that you can make it to heaven if you refuse go to church but you believe God and read the bible?

16) What is the most common thing that marriage couples argue about?

17) How long and how often should you pray to God?

18) If Bill Cosby was to pass away soon, overall was he positive influence towards black people in America?

19) Why is life unfair?

20) Based on where you live, who you live with, where you work, and who you work for, are you truly happy?

21) Do all truth comes to light or do people take secrets with them to the grave?

22) Do you think Valentines Day is overrated?

23) If men are suppose to be head of the household, what happens if the man dies, who will be head of the household if the man dies?

24) If all women were housewives and the cost of living was cheaper, would the divorce rate be much lower?

25) Do you support gay marriage?

26) Can judging a book by it’s cover save your life?

Real Life

Fuck a smile

Nothing 2 smile about

Sweating like slaves on the cotton fields in the south

Nervous, anxious, apprehensive

3 different words expressing the same meaning

Some think I’m devious

but I was lying 2 seek peace

but like always comfort is a mystery

This more than a poem

A true life story.

Born with worry

but still giving God the glory

Blessed with a healthy body

but heart is becoming black like coffee.

I don’t give a fuck about being mean

If you don’t like me

Sue Me

The kindness in me vanished

I’m soulless

like a inmate with a life sentence snapping

because you asked him

“Why are you not smiling?”

Money never stretch but the stress in me does

Fuck a hug.

My fear like a kid fearing bed bugs

but 10 time worst

Hypocrites inviting me to church,

will spit on my grave when I get buried in the dirt.

Dehyrdated , feeling like I’m in a desert mentally.

Immature mentality some of you may believe

But I complain since I fall victim to the greed

of others within the vicinity.

Fear of living

so I wonder if I rather be dead?

Fearing life is constant headache

that I can’t fight.

Color blind, everything

in black and white.

Walk the streets alone at night

Wishing I was more like Mike

and the tears I refuse to wipe.

Fear of living

is the reason

I love sleeping

to ignore hypocrites preaching.

An abusive parent

having their child stripping

before the beaten

is the equivalent

of how I am feeling.

Deep in my feelings

reminding myself

the affliction

is still remaining.

I’m rewinding

on 2x

the memories.

Listen as you hear the melody

from the piano.

Listen to how the story is told.

Happiness at 10 years old

But things changed at 11 years old.

Scared like a crow just saw a scarecrow.

How you take 50 dollars from an 11 years old?

Karate practice twice a week

was a habit.

“It’s good for you”

An excuse that they use as a tactic

and smooth like ps4 graphics.

12 years old, miserable at football practice.

Did a three peat,

but quit at 15.

I had to run track

becuase I ran fast.

As you see I had pressure

on my back.

To this day

It’s hard for me to laugh.

I had to quit a job last

year

becuase I knew I wouldn’t last.

A year past

and yet most don’t know.

I’m getting too old

to be living like a kid.

Stress is way beyond big.

Holding sercets,

making my thoughts

the deepest they ever been.

It’s hard to express feelings

when people don’t listen

so you resort to lying.

Pieces of my heart is missing

making me soulless.

A person you hate conserving

with.

Better off talking to a brick

and their presence

make you sick to your fucking stomach.

So this poem right now

is therapeutic.

I’m having hallucinations

and I’m not smoking

so you know I have real

life problems

and yet I hate I have to solve them.

Feels like I’m trying to decipher

a bomb.

So much under pressure

I’m ready to give up and become

A bum.

Thus is more than just poetry

This is a true life story