How I Really Feel And I Won’t Lie

To explain how I feel

don’t know where to start.

Friends and family are fake

but emotions are real.

So much bottle up inside

it’s making me ill.

But its’ time to tip over the bottle

and let it spill

and lay it out on the the table

To start expressing I don’t if I’m able

but I will try my best

and this is not a fable.

Well lets just say there is a thin line

between love and hate

and I cross over the line

back fourth like

I’m playing jump rope.

My emotions is not a dirty body

that could get washed away with soap.

I am starting to lose hope

Why I should I fight

When I can jump of the

Throng Neck bridge and Die

Why should I cry

I since don’t know how to

since I keep everything bottle up inside.

I hide whats inside to protect the outside.

Getting tired of being told what to do.

On mind two words on it is “Fuck You”

I rather be isolated.

The nice guy in me is slowly dying

Have to the mind set to commit a homicide.

Fuck it If I love you,I rather see you die

then ask forgiveness later

Build up with such much anger.

My mind is in danger

and its killing me slow like lung cancer.

I look in the mirror and ask myself

“Am I a murder?”

“Am I a serial Killer?”

“Will I be the black version of Adolf Hitler?”

I had a dream one time

that my soul went to hell.

So might as well give my soul to sell

I can be the devil’s ‘Michael’

one of arch demons.

Evil should be my focus

and I should spread it

and make it contagious

like farmers going through a famine

because of locusts.

When I try to do good I can’t stay focus.

Maybe evil is my calling.

Every baby aborted

I wish I could trade lives

with.World full of hypocrites

that are only kind for their own benefits

and I can’t stand it.

Relationships is rare like job benefits.

Nobody now hires full time

and this is how I view relationships

because people only want the benefits

but won’t make scarfices to commit full time.

I rather be lonely forever.

I though by the age of 28

I would be alone

but still stuck at home.

This right here is more than a poem

I needed to write this because

I am in the zone.

I can relate to all the sad songs

while writing this poem.

Held on things for so long.

I ready to release like ejaculation.

Fuck my concentration

I am almost starting to give up on praying

I won’t lie and be hypocrite

I do believe there is a God

but I gave up going on church a long time ago

“The one that invite you to church are the ones

that wanna see you in hell.”

The gate is wide

and the fake angels will smile wide

when they say hi

but deep down they despise

looking in your eyes.

I know this so I trust no one

Show love to no one

because love will get you killed

and hate you make you live.

“We eat more than we can shit.”

I ponder because I have two hands

juggling everything you can imagine.

It’s like I drink 10 glasses of water

but still dehydrating.

Does reading this sounds devastating?

Now how the fuck you think I feel?

This pain is real

This poem is selfish.

My feelings I choose to conceal but

I was told that was selfish.

I will say I am a talented poet

but that’s because I have hidden emotions

disguised as love which is really hate.

“I feel like Eve 

because I have been deceived

but so many serpents 

and yet I get punished 

suffering the consequences 

of other being persuasive.”

Have you been in debt 

or almost went to jail 

because of  somebody’s actions?

It’s a tragic and another life lesson

I learned at 23.

“There are criminals in society

and innocent ones in the penitentiary.”

Be naive will have serving a sentence 

for not using common sense.

I’m gonna reiterate and capitalized  this shit

“BE NAIVE WILL HAVE YOU SERVING A SENTENCE

FOR NOT USING COMMON SENSE.” – David Hocakday

‘Proud To Be An American”

Lmao yeah right

This country is fucking racists.

This is not a place for the poor.

Every year we struggle

more and more

since salaries

don’t keep up with the cost of living.

Am I better of in prison?

The meals are for free

The weights are for free

Besides there nothing on TV

thanks to social media.

I am satisfied with my jobs

but problem is I can’t afford a living 

with both my jobs.

I tired of asking money from my mom

I am almost 30 

yet I still feel like a 3 years old.

Do my parents have to hold my 

hand while  I cross the street.

Once funny 

is that I’m to the point I almost 

ready to give up and live on the street

since I love being lonely.

I only feel peace when I sleep

or when I masturbate when I’m horny.

I said line earlier that i am a talented poet

because of hidden emotions.

So my question is 

will have another poem left in me

after this get uploaded?

 

I will upload a part 2 and maybe a part 3 sometime this week

Where Have You Been?

I normally write thought provoking poems but his is one of my more painful and darker poems. Before you read, if you are curious to know more about me, click on this link Who Am I?

Shit felt like yesterday when I was looking for you.
Alot of painful thoughts, late nights praying to you.
I was going thru scriptures in the bible trying to find answers.
A non-response from you left me drowning in deep water.
Now three years later, I now understand what it feels like
Overthinking during the sleepless nights and you was teaching me to hang tight.
Inexperience had me at a disadvantage, almost felt worthless when got my heart broken.
So instead of praying, I looked at every woman as a enemy.
I hated bitches and though they wasn’t shit and was only worth dick.
I had the wrong type of thinking, at first I tried praying to you but you wasn’t listening.
Your distance has me wanting to seek revenge
so paying for sex was my healing.
The orgasm was addictive even to this day I still need healing from masturbating.
The more I kept praying, the more I kept overeating.
My heart was like engine that was overheating.
It stopped beating and operating.
It was broken and dead and I held a grudge against you.

Why did you abandoned me when she destroyed me?
Why did you allow her to?
Everytime I look in the mirror I cried tears of pain?
I was really starting to hate you?
You said to cast our my anxiety since you care for me
but you left me drowning in the pool.

I made plenty of mistakes but my heart was in the right place.
Needed help since I experienced love a little late.
I prayed for the right path, but I fell in love at the wrong time and place.
Before I knew, I wasn’t doing things that I shouldn’t.
My only concern was to obtain a proper ejaculation even if it was premature.
Lack of erections had me feeling like a politician losing the election.
A gentleman but yet felt like a loser.
Got tired of this feeling, so went to the doctor
for Viagra.
Felt good to satisfy her needs, but dependent on a pill and I was only 24?
I blamed myself and hated myself.
I had thoughts wondering if I was corny?
I had thoughts wondering should I be lonely?
I had alot of potential in my personality
but you made me antisocial.
I feared being laughed so till this day
still don’t know how to be sociable.
Every time I think about it made me sick.
I was ashamed of my dick.
I fought this battle alone
and you didn’t defend me.
The klove songs no longer lifted me
It made me empty.
Strippers were the remedy.
I just wanted easy women and hated wome
that were classy.
But this wasn’t the proper thinking.
I looked up to but then I started to hate you like an enemy.
Because of the summer of 2015 was my worst memory.
I think bitches are the enemy.
I became a selfish because I don’t care to satisfy a bitch needs.
Now I’m quick to tell a bitch to cheat
if my dick can’t stay hard
I dom’t give a fuck.

Why did you abandoned me when she destroyed me?
Why did you allow her to?
Everytime I look in the mirror I cried tears of pain?
I was really starting to hate you?
You said to cast our my anxiety since you care for me
but you left me drowning in the pool

To get the Full Story please read I Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 1) and I Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 2) This is a very long blog personal blog

How Much Does Falling In Love Cost You?

They say love don’t cost a thing

but do they tell you

love will make you scarfice alot of things?

Things like freedom, time, and money.

If love don’t cost a thing

why isn’t finding love guaranteed?

Something you can have for free

can affect you emotionally.

Attached to a human body physically

can confuse you mentally

since men and women think differently

when being intimate psychically

Love is like dreams

because it comes freely

but the difference is love betray,

turns into hate

and consumes and destroys you mentally

What’s for free is seek by many

and almost every.

Love come from the heart

and love is for free.

When we don’t work for something,

we don’t appreciate it until it’s gone.

Sometimes love is our enemy

making you hate yourself

for the pain you felt.

Imagine a f6 tornado

lifting up your house

and throwing it 300 miles away.

This is equivalent to the pain

as you watch you home get tossed away

The heart is never in a safe place.

When falling in love

it’s like asking somebody to not spit in my face

for a million dollars

and you hoping they won’t do it.

Remember this

the ones that treat you the nicest

in the beginning of a new relationship

be the most ruthless.

Love is poisoned

if not handled right.

Seeking desperate attention

from every girl and guy

Instead of remembering

that God is on your side.

Love is punishment that’s unbearable

because the hear is breakable.

The pain that comes with it

is not visible

so they say love is blind.

The light of love is so bright

you have to close your eyes.

Driving on highway very sleepy

fighting to keep you eyes open

but can’t help it

then crash and get into an accident

and the accident is atrocious.

Just didn’t see it coming.

We only see whats tangible

so attraction is more common then love.

We see nice clothes nice body, shit load of money

and without this,

people assume you boring.

People judge you

before they get to know you.

Looks fade, clothes get old,

and money will make you feel cheap.

Materialistic things will buy you a personality

and its only temporary.

Materialistic things buys swags

but destroys communications and integrity.

I know people that won’t care

if the whole world goes poor

as long as they eating.

So commonly we fall in love with the selfish

and yet ignore the humble

that will give you everything

We don’t give a fuck when we break hearts

we only care if our hearts get broken.

The black people that are mild

are now smoking

from being called a ‘nigga’ by a racists

This is the equivalent

of the aftermath of being heartbroken.

How I View Life To Survive

My charisma contagious
Smile is priceless
but my soul is spacious
and refuse to sell it.
Been told mind is esoteric
Prelisten to speculations
of the public
which eventually made me
gregarious.
Reasons, there are various
why I remain benevolent
when the world is violent.
My habits perceived to be
idiosyncratic.
A role model
but yet not too didactic.
Reform situations
from being complicated to idyllic.
Must be concise and pacific
when articulating.
It’s not magic.
Think of it
more as recycling.
Mistakes is data on a flash drive
and my memory is saving.
To save is to prevent talent wasting
habits
I refuse to be redundant.
Resistant like a criminal
with an unexpected arrest warrant.
Nobody listens when it doesn’t benefit
their needs or attention.
so you get paid no attention
and receive no support
and easily falling apart
like a Skeleton without glue and wire.
But negative attention, we receive more than plenty.
Laughed at, being called a dummy, nasty, ugly a big baby.
Before the body is affected physically,
a stigma harms mentally.
We terrified of bullies, but we are our own worst enemies.
A second to view your reflection
will put you in a lifetime depression.
Daydreaming of hearing “You won”
gives us an obsession.
But it’s devastating, never satisfied with
being second
because we all want to be number one.
We all experience rejection.
Some of us let it go
Some of us fall victims of addictions
when we can’t handle afflictions.
A war that becomes mental
and your heart go cold.
It’s a race to seek revenge
since you have static
with the scapegoat
that left you heartbroken.

Ever Wonder Why Your Life IS Fucked UP?

Mind is static
Like a routers IP address.
A hole in my heart
like a hollow in your chest.
I begin to ponder death
Contemplate the scenery
of the after life
since I have gave up on life.
I tried reaching for the sky
but can’t reach for something
you can’t touch.
Life is double dutch
and the double ropes
is the demons and
I’m struggling to not
come in contact.
20/40 vision
and can’t afford contacts
So as I age
I became unsighted like bats
for putting true love over everything.
Poetry is my Vaseline
to help mitigate
Since the demons in my head
are a pain in the ass.
So used to being uncomfortable,
when the mood is peaceful
automatically assume I don’t deserve
it’s presence
like a naughty kid on Christmas.
Negative is a shark
that smells the blood of my
positive thoughts.
When it devours,
light is overshadowed by the dark.
I worry like a parent searching at the park
for their missing child
 after dark.
Over and over I overthink.
The thoughts deeper than
a stab wound from a shank.
Worry like I have bills and no
money in the bank.
Disappointed like a husband
for only shooting blanks.
I’m always been ashamed of my pace
in life.
Just imagine racing with a tank during a drag race.
Dependent like a house wife
and broke like Buzz Lightyear’s arm.
These negative thoughts are annoying like flies.
When your broke and seek no improvement, time flies.
Like a confident player’s finger wrapped around a naive girl,
my mind is suffocating in this world
So I over eat when I feel lonely.
I masturbate when I get horny.
So embarrassed, so I avoid company.

Prisoner In My Own Life

Trapped with no escape
at the place where I hate.

Image result for trapped with no escape
My self determination is lost.
Heart right now colder than jack frost.

Image result for jack frost
I am exposed to the mental torture
by myself in this dark corner.

Image result for dark corner
Close my eyes and dream,
so bad I wanna be free.

Image result for close your eyes and be free
Open my eyes, my mind plays tricks on me,
force to face the hardship of reality,

Image result for reality
realizing that I am in a place where I must behave submissively.
I as a prisoner, I am own husband or wife,
As you read this, I tell you “Welcome to my life”.

Image result for welcome to my life

The Harsh Life As An Orphan

All alone without mom and dad.

I lost everything  I had.

I turned to the streets.

Been selling crack since thirteen.

My foster parents don’t give a fuck about me.

No escape from this reality.

I still see my parents in my dreams.

They were my everything,

but that was the past,

this is the present.

On a daily I cut school,

fuck my attendance. 

They don’t care about me,

neither do my foster parents.

I look up to drug dealers 

as my parents.

They are my guidance and protection.

They give me what I have been missing,

love and affection

until I got caught hustling.

The police snatched me up,

cuffed me up,

and locked me up.

Now inside the juvenile 

detention center,

during the middle of winter.

All cold and bitter.

Days becomes weeks,

Weeks become months,

Months become years.

Only thing remain 

that remain the same

is in the mirror ,

when I wake up 

I still see the morning tears.

Now I’m nineteen,

my so called drug dealing friends

bailed out on me.

Not even a visit or letter

from nobody,

unless it’s my attorney.

I look back on life and 

realized I traveled a harsh journey.

I was only suppose to do a year in juvie.

I murder someone in juvie purposely,

because I don’t have family in society.

I’m here among company.

I have food and water for free.

I have a place to rest my head and sleep.

Sad to say but the prison system

is my family.

This is life as a orphan.

I will live like this until 

the day I go inside my coffin.

 

Life OF A Stalker

This was one of my old poems I wrote back in November 2014 before I discovered wordpress. Comment below and tell me what you think

I am a loner and I feel withdrawn.
I feel delusional way far beyond.
I am in love with my victim,
I have develop feelings that I can’t get rid of.
I don’t want to make my victim aware of my existence,
I keep the victim close,but I watch from a distance.
I’m sneaky and clever as I move in silence.
My intelligence
Is way beyond average,
But I suffer from a mental disorder.
I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia.
I am ashamed of my abnormal behavior,
But I can’t help it.
I have a problem I admit.
Suicide sometimes I be ready to commit.
Not much of talker, but more of a watcher and walker.
Welcome to the life of a stalker

Am I Satisfied?

Please click here 1.Writing Prompt Challenge 2.Relationships And Marriage (2 blogs in 1) and you will see a schedule of blogs I have lined up for the next 2 months.

Always asked good questions
but now I ask myself a great question
that arises in my mind
“Am I Satisfied?”
All my life
I found myself
staring at the sky,
asking why.
Been told I always been hard on myself.
Well I always think about my wealth.
Only if you knew the struggle I felt.
Parents were divorced at eight.
As a teen, I had pimples across my face.
I got rejected by most colleges
because of my high school grades.
It wasn’t until I was 23 when I had my first date.
25 was when I felt my heart snapped like a pencil
and tears were running down my face.
Imagine living thru your mid twenties
and constantly up all night
because pregnancies scares affected your life.
How can I be a father explaining to my parents that I don’t have a wife?
At 26 I got fed up with women.
I was paying for sex every minute.
I only wanted fast women
and at this time I learned to use protection.
At Friday night buying condoms at 7-11
so strippers can put Trojans over my erection.
Also at 26, was talking to chick,
who had a friendship
with my dad’s chick.
So another words, I met a girl through a mutual
friendship.
We was not in a relationship.
It was more of situationship
or a friends with benefits kind of situation
however you wanna call it.
But anyway be careful who you share your secrets with
because the gossip that was going on behind
my back
I was oblivious to it.
Life full of fucking hypocrites
so sometimes I have a hard time forgiving.
Forgiving to me is hard
like a teenage virgin trying to figure out
why he can’t get an erection.
But anyway this chick I was dealing with
was telling my business to her friend
and I stated earlier
this friend was in a situationship with my father.
Eventually I got a call from my sister
and she told me
“David, be careful what you say to that girl because dad thinks your talking about him”
Well I’m going to stop and I will continue this story on a future blog of mine’s.
Sometimes life shine, sometimes life is blind.
I imagine myself covering my eyes because the life is too bright
so I rather stay stuck in the cave
to play it safe.
Sometimes misery so addictive
u get comfortable
instead of trying to fix it.
So now for you bloggers that are reading this,
Do you think I am satisfied with my life?

A One On One Deep Conversation About Death

This was a heart to heart conversation about life and death. Two people are going back and fourth, expressing their deepest thoughts

Michael:

We don’t know what it feels like to die.

Never been in it’s presence or time.

We know it exist and it’s something we don’t wish.

Until you experience the true meaning of life.

Life is about smile and cries but let’s talk about cries

Why do we cry?

Tears falling from the face comes from a broken heart.

Feels like your life fell apart.

Life itself isn’t hard but the people in it make it

unbearable.

A broken heart makes pain unbeatable.

Pain hurts most when it’s unexpected

like an STD for having sex unprotected.

School teaches you education but what about real life lessons?

Feeling like bubble boy trapped in a bubble.

Trying to remain humble but people mock and laugh at you

So bad that you either become suicidal or homicidal.

Suicide will break your mother’s heart on the inside.

Or you can conserve your life by committing homicide.

Turn to a serial killer.

A broken heart turns a person so apathetic

Secrets of deep thoughts exposed

like diaries in dusty attics.

Joyce:

Or matter of fact feeling low like a crack addict or even standing on a bridge thinking of doing something drastic

In your mind you’re thinking to yourself wouldn’t this be fantastic, I gotta have this
The pain released from my soul which would give me happiness


It’s all madness

We all have problems in different shapes and sizes but, most of us take a passive approach and try to hide or disguise it

Like a sad clown behind his mask or forgotten child in need of assistance you didn’t ask
They all say the hurt and pain you had is in the past but, what about that new job that didn’t last or more recently when one of my loved ones just passed


It’s real and part of life. Yes there’s positivity but, there’s also strife. With one there always come the other and nine times out of ten the obvious one outweighs the other.
But I choose life over death.


The best to do list item I keep close to my chest. It’s been weeks tossing over this idea, in which I hadn’t slept.


But what do you expect?


Every day I pick up the pieces of what life couldn’t been and work on ways for how it should be.
One of the keys to success and to see and believe.


Now I know there’s nonbelievers and can’t fathom seeing the other side but, although I see it from their view, I’ve decided to put my pride aside.


Let’s face it, we don’t really decide if we live or die.

Michael:

Because death is promised to us all.
It’s never a goal

but rather we stand still like a pole


or move around like electrons
death come to us all.

Ever since the devil broke his bond
with God

Life is the real death


and death is the freedom

Demons and angels maybe imaginary
and humans are the real demons.

Think about Cain and Abel

It’s all hereditary.

Thou shall not kill

Thou shall not steal


we disobey by our own free will.

Every step u take, we could be stepping in a trap


and be a victim in a person’s attack.

Life is overrated


like sex to a person with a low sex drive.

Babies are forever precious


but even Tupac new parents are devious

just ask Brenda.

Unlike the tribe in black panther,

black people don’t stick together.

We receive hate like the Jews did from Hitler.

A devil in disguise,


poisoning minds

by disguising poisoned mushrooms


into red apples.

What seems healthy


can put you in the grave early.

But maybe an early grave


is the best day


since we escaping dooms day,

you know the place we call life.
Shit I don’t fear death

 


I fear life and I’m tired of the fight

Joyce:

It’s interesting that we think the fear of difference is fear of life itself.

Worrying about other people’s opinions to the point it affects our health.

However, remaining hidden in plain sight like a cheetah that’s stealth.

Or masking our fear with creating problems that haven’t been dealt.


I believe there are demons that walk amongst us on this earth, the same people that need to look in the mirror and go to church.

They need to worry about getting themselves right and avoid at all costs for them not to get hurt.

Betraying their spouse, mother, or brother or throwing a friend’s name in the dirt.
It’s not that death is the better choice for us all but, for some it’s the easier option to befall.
Drugs, sex, money, they’re all a different kind a poison. Leading to our so called miserable lives and causing mass destruction.
The root of all evil is sometimes staring us in the face, evil has no color no matter the race.
Divide and conquer is what has been the trend. The endless violence on each other seems to never want to end.
It’s takes only one voice to be heard, hand to be raised, two feet to be stood on to choose peace. Reminding us all that we all need to love one another as Martin Luther king Jr essentially quoted in his I Have a Dream Speech.
Life is tough and life can seem like a personal hell. But, only God can judge the living based on how we followed his rules well.
So turn the other cheek and love hard towards one another because when that judgement comes God surely won’t stutter.

Questions to think about

1) If you had 24 hours to live, what would you do?

2) The bible says more people will go to hell then heaven, what’s your opinion about that?

3) If misery didn’t exist and everybody was happy, would this affect music and poetry?

On Tuesday May 1st, I will post my next blog