Love Lost The War

On Thursday, I will be uploading part 2 of a story that  I am writing. Click the link below to read part 1

I Am In Love With My Seductive Next Door Neighbor (Part 1)

 

The scar on my heart is a permanent marker that don’t erase.
Emotions are flies, flying all over the damn place.
Tears was dripping down my face like wet grapes.
Forced to keep quiet like a mouth covered with duck tape.
Forced to keep quiet like a new inmate that just got raped.
A heartbreak gave me hallucinations like my weed was laced.
Like prison food, nasty like vomit but forced myself to swallow the taste.
Ashamed of my reflection, but my stiff neck force me to stare straight
to remind me of the disappointment look on my face.
A dream I that chased was a waste like leftover food when I couldn’t finish the plate.
I was frightened like the dog next door finally jumped over the gate.
Hesitant at first like I’m driving in a blizzard with bad brakes
and now regret it because it was an accident
like a rear in collision on the southern state.
Never found the antidote so negative energy surrounds my space.
No more happy days, so I no longer say grace
since my appetite escaped
my belly and you can see my face lost it’s weight
like 40 year old pregnant woman lost her shape
by gaining weight when comparing her modern pictures
to her high school days.
From love letters and heart shapes to boxes and crates.
Crying in silence with both hands covering my face
for reminiscing the times I held the left hand on romantic dates.

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Discussion Questions 

 

1. How long does it take to heal from a broken heart?

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2. How do you know when your heartbroken?

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3. Do you think forgiving someone that broke your heart will make you live longer?

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4. Do you think more people in this world would have broken hearts if everybody told truth and spoke what was on their mind and did not hold back any secrets?

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Comment below on your opinion of the four questions I provided?

 

 

 

 

 

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The Way The Heart Works

The heart is a dictionary that defines you.

Follow the heart to make a decision best for you.

The best decision selection we hope we choose

but sometimes the heart doesn’t have a clue

because it can put you in good or bad moods.

The heart bring out emotions and let them loose.

Relationships don’t happen naturally, they are build

and the heart is tool.

I Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 2) This is a very long blog personal blog

I sure some of you have noticed  I have been posting a lot blogs for the last 3 days. For the month of December I plan to go all out with my blogs and I will be posting a lot of rel – eatable  content. Tomorrow  I will post a poem “Suicide thoughts” and it’s a deep topic to discuss. Now please for those of you that don’t know me, please click this link Who Am I? . It’s an autobiography of me to learn more about me so you can understand this story. Also please, please read I Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 1) before reading this blog. I hope you all enjoy.  This is a very, very long blog so I will understand if you get bored but I wanted to share my story because I know a lot of people been heart broken before and I like to break things down for you bloggers to picture what I went through. Also this is a very long blog, so if you don’t like reading long blogs you will get bored reading this.

April 2015

Next day is Sunday and I’m still thinking about the previous night. She text me “Good Morning” and I replied back but I wasn’t in the mood to communicate with her. Throughout the day she kept texting me and I just kept replying back but I wasn’t really feeling the vibe after what happened the previous night. After a while, she noticed that I wasn’t really in the mood so she asked me “Are you okay?” I replied back “I call you later” When she got off work, I called her and I asked “Do you still have feelings on me?” she was a little hesitant and said” On certain days I do, on certain days I’m not in the mood.” Now that I’m wiser looking back at it now, I should of just wished her luck and moved on, but you live and you learn. So anyway when she told me that, I asked her “Well what’s gonna happen between us in the future? She responded “I’m not sure” So I said “We can’t remain friends forever tho, either one day we will get back together or we will go our separate ways.” Now I don’t remember what her response was because this was like 3 years ago but I said what I said to her because I guess I was trying to put the pressure on her so she can really figure out what she wanna do. I felt like she got too comfortable with receiving relationship benefits on a friendship level. I also asked her over the phone why she didn’t want to kiss me and if she was uncomfortable and she told me “Oh no I was just tired and I wanted to go home.” I felt like she was bullshitting because even if you tired if you really into somebody even if your tired wouldn’t you still kiss that person?(just a question to think about)

                                                                     May 2015

Fast forward to May, me and this girl still are communicating but probably like 2 or 3 times a week. At this point I’m focus because I started working 2 jobs so I was busy everyday. At this point I started talking to other girls to get my mind off my ex because at this point I didn’t know what was going to happen between me and her. My ex and I would text about 2 or 3 times a week. I won’t lie I still had feelings for her. Now back in April when we saw the fast furious movie I did tell her we were going to see Avengers age of Ultron in May but after I tried to kiss her and she slammed the car door on my face I was like fuck that (for those that don’t know what happened when we saw fast furious go back to the top of this blog and click on the link and read the 1st part). So it was the beginning of May and we texting back and fourth. I mentioned I couldn’t wait to see the avengers movie. She said when do you plan to see it” I said maybe this weekend”
then I asked her “Do you plan to see it?” She said ” I thought we planned on seeing it together but I guess you don’t feel like driving to queens.” Lol I played it off and said ” Lol my fault I forgot you know I’m a old man I forget simple shit”. She called me an old man. I didn’t forget, I was playing it off because you see, this girl barely kissed me, and we haven’t had sex in months. Now me and her are just friends at this point so I wasn’t really chasing the sex but at this point I’m like if she comfortable enough to hang out with me, comfortable enough to her allow to pick from work, I even gave her money twice(now this was my fault because I volunteered to do this) but whenever I try to make a move or bring up my feelings she goes cold. So now I’m like you know what, I ain’t going out my way for her no more unless she gives it up. So later when I was in school, we was texting back and  fourth. Don’t remember how this started, but I said to her “You can’t say my name lol ” but we just joking. She said “Yes I can lol”. I said “You can’t say my name unless we having sex and I know you not trying to take it there” She put “Lmao but can still say your name”. I said “Lol why well are you going to have sex with me?” She said “No, but I can still say your name” I said “Alright fine, you can say my name while having sex with another guy” She said “No that would be very rude of me to say that” I said, ” Well it’s very rude for you to say my name”, I don’t remember her response but after I left class I gave her a call. I decided that either we get back together or I go my separate way.  So called her and told that. I asked her if she wanted to work things out and get back together. She said she wasn’t sure so I told I will give you 2 weeks to think about it.  The following week she got the nerve to ask me for a favor,something to do with her car. I made up an excuse though, I didn’t do it. Some other things happen during the month of May but I can’t remember everything because it’s been so long. This took place over two years ago.

                                                                June 2015

So now we fast forward to June. Both of our birthdays were in June. Between May and June we barely spoke. I was on the verge of just cutting her off. At this point, I still had feelings but I was starting to get use to not hearing from her. I felt like I started healing. I felt like I was getting stronger or at least I thought I was. So anyway it was  the middle of June  and it was her birthday. It was 9AM and I was contemplating on rather or not if I should text her “Happy Birthday”. So after 10 minutes of being in deep thought, I decided to text her “Happy Birthday” and she said “Thank you!”. From that day until June 22, we slowly started communicating here and there but not often. So now fast forward to about 4 or 5 days later this girl texted me ” You okay?”. Once in a blue moon she would text me this if we haven’t spoke in a while. So anyway, I texted her” I alright wbu?” So she “I’m good” I said” Is there anything you wanna talk about?” She said” Are you seeing new friend?” I said” New friend? do you mean if  I’m dating somebody new?” She said “Yes!” I said “No, but why did you ask me that?” She said “No reason” I said” for real stop playing why you asked me that?” She said” I just want to see you found someone to replace me that’s all”. Now I  don’t know why I said this looking back at this now but my response was” Nah, nobody would ever take your place”.
She responded” Aww 😚😚
So she asked me” How is work coming along?”
I said “I’m just busy you know staying focus working two jobs?” She said ” That’s a lot, but if we was to get back together, how would you have the time?” I said”Good question, but I can make time.” Now I was just thinking to myself maybe she does want to get back together but I still was on my guard because I still didn’t trust her. I somewhat had feelings for her still, but I was healing little by little.  So fast forward to June 22, she texted me ” How you doing?” I said” I’m good!”  We was going back and fourth and she I told her that my supervisor was letting me leave work early. She said” Why?” I said “because it’s my birthday” She said “Omg I’m so sorry Happy Birthday!”  I’m just like “lol thank you”. One minute later, she gave me a call and said she apologizes for forgetting my birthday then she said let’s hang out. I said I’ll let you know. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. So  I asked a co-worker for advice. The co-worker said I should let her take me out for my birthday. So I took his advice(looking back now I should just went with my instincts instead of taking this advice)

                                                                   July 2015

For those of you reading this, if you don’t like what your hearing and if you feel like this is a fucked story then I wouldn’t recommend reading the rest of this story because it does get worst. So now it’s July and I wanted go to a buffet. I picked her up and we went to the buffet. I swear I was not trying to make a move or anything I just wanted to be a simple date that’s all. So we at the buffet, and we are talking. She seemed really excited to see me. Around this time, I was listening to K love trying to change my ways and become more positive. So anyway, I can’t lie, my feelings started coming back, she seemed really excited to see me, plus she just got her license so I was excited for her. She wanted to register for college (now what I am about to say was so foolish, so stupid, so navie) and she owed the school 1000 dollars.  I was working two jobs, I had money, plus I was listening K love radio station, so I was feeling positive and I felt like God was looking out for me. I love helping people so I offer to help her pay for college and I told her she only have to pay me half back by December. She really appreciated it. So after the buffet I was planning to take her home, but  she said she wasn’t in a rush to go home. We decided to go to the mall to pass time. To my surprise, she started holding my hand while in the mall. Now that’s what got me because we haven’t done that in months.  Now think about this, 3 weeks prior, she asked me if I was dating anybody else, if we got back together how would you have the time,  and she started holding my hand, now wouldn’t this lead you on?  So we head back to the car and I was feeling the moment and I tried kissing her. She started pulling back harder. So I’m thinking like alright she just playing hard to get. It’s been a while since like months since  I got close with a female and I feel like this was a good opportunity. This time I didn’t care I was coming on to her. But when I got closer the second time, she said “I  don’t want to get turned on , it’s been a month since I been turned on” I paused for a second because I’m like what the fuck that got to do with me and why you telling that. So I asked her “You had sex a month ago?”  she said “Yes”. Let’s think about this, all along for months I made effort to show her that I care, I gave her money like twice, picked her up from work, went to church with her family, contacted her on a daily, never pressured her for sex up until this point, and she fucked someone else like wow. I was shocked because I let my guard down. In the back of my mind since April I had a feeling she was messing with another guy. I knew it and I tried my hardest to move on but she kept leading me on and I tried so hard to give her the benefit of the doubt. Now I can’t remember what my response was, but I drove her home in silence. I went home pissed of. For the men that’s reading this, I’m sure you can understand how I felt.  So anyway she texted me “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to get you upset” I called her and told I think it’s best we don’t talk for a while.  I couldn’t even go to sleep that night. Every day I kept thinking and thinking about this bullshit. I couldn’t focus at work , I couldn’t focus at school , I just kept replaying this shit in my head. I could not let it go.  So I went to God and I prayed. I too realized  that back in October I broke up with her through a text message and I will briefly explain that at the end of this blog. So I prayed and I talked to my mom and she started praying for me. After about a week , I decided to text and ask her why she did what she did?(I know I should of just left her alone) When you love somebody it’s very hard to move on. In fact, when the person you love breaks your heart, you blame yourself and that’s what  I did. Now I can’t remember everything but since I was trying so hard to forgive her, praying to God still,  I decided to forgive her and I texted whatever happened on my birthday let’s leave it in the past and just move on. Now at this point I wasn’t trying to get back with her anymore, but I thought at least we can be civil and move on. The reason why I blamed myself because sometimes I feel like I overthink a lot of things and I create situations and problems  in my head worrying about every single thing and I was trying hard to change that at that time. So I figure maybe I’m just thinking too hard and I should just let this go. So anyway, after I texted her that, she told me thank you. So we started talking a little and I’m slowly letting go what happened then she got the nerve to text me ” You still going to lend me the money?” In my head I’m like you gotta be fucking serious. I’m like what the hell. I should of cursed her ass out. I responded “I don’t know I will think about”. I didn’t plan on lending her money. I thought about it and  I asked myself, why should I lend her money?

Before I continue with the story, I will briefly explain something real quick so you can understand my though process at this time. I apologize for this long blog, but I am trying hard to break everything down so you can understand this. I am going to be completely honest and this is not easy for me to admit this but I think it’s important for you to know this. When me and this girl got together, this was my first relationship and I was inexperienced in all areas. I repeat, I was inexperienced in all areas. So we got together and I was embarrassed by my inexperience and I felt like I couldn’t keep her with her. I had problems staying hard. Truth was I never admitted to her, but I didn’t know how to put on a condom. So I couldn’t maintain an erection. I was extremely embarrassed. So I decided to go unprotected. Still couldn’t keep it up. This shit was in my head all throughout the day. Since I was inexperienced, I use to compare myself to other guys. I was felt like she was going to leave me because of that.  I went to urologist and he gave me cialis and it worked for me. Since I didn’t know how to put on condoms, I just went unprotected. I got addicted to having sex unprotected and I hated condoms. So anyway there was guy she use to date before me and I thought she still had feelings for him while she was with me. Let’s just say because of my lack of experience was the reason why I felt like she still had feelings for the previous guy before I came into the picture. There’s a lot more to say but I feel like I probably already gave you guys a headache so I will leave it here.

 

So back where I left off with the story,  I was thinking about lending her the money but then I thought to myself, what if the guy had sex with was a from the past? Next day, I texted and first thing I asked her was “If I lend you money, will you promise me to pay me back in December?” She said “Yes” Then I asked her ” Remember when you told me you had sex a month ago, was that guy you had sex with a new guy you just met or a guy from your past?  She said” Someone from the past” When I heard that damn, I can’t describe how painful that felt.  The reason why it felt painful because here I am, nice, respectful gentleman, doing everything in my power to be there for this girl and yet she fucking somebody from the past when she clearly tells me that all the guys from her past were trash. W got into an argument and she told me ” I don’t know why you making a big deal, it’s my life and I wasn’t even dating the guy, it was just a fling thing.” I wanted to punch her in the fucking face.  I can’t lie, I went to the bathroom I called my mom and I was in tears.

 

 

This experience changed me. To this day I haven’t been back to church ever since. I stopped listening to K love, I lost respect for women. I was hurt for months until I went to the strip club and I just started paying for sex. Real talk. Believe it or not , the strip club was my healing factor and I was watching porn like crazy. What happened was strip clubs and porn desensitized my mind. I didn’t trust any girls. I only wanted strippers but I wore a condom though I didn’t smash a stripper raw, I ‘m not that crazy. I realize that strippers make bad decisions but they are friendly people that accept you for who you are. A few of them I was getting to know them and I realized that they have a lot potential to be great. Now some people judge strippers and think they are stupid hoes, let me tell you something, strippers make poor decisions but they are warm hearted people(most not all) trying to earn a living and even though they caught a lot of bodies, they will make sure their clients use to protection because they want to catch nothing. A lot of these girls out here getting pregnant fucking every nigga raw, they ain’t no better than the strippers. But eventually I did get bored with the strip club but it did help me though.  As time move on, I started to talk to other females and I realized I had more in common with other females than my ex.  I realized my ex wasn’t for me. This was all a learning experience and you know what, I thank her for breaking my heart. She taught me a lot and I forgive her now. If we was still together I would eventually been miserable. I accept myself for who I am and that I am just an over thinker. Not giving a fuck healed me. Now if I don’t get hard in the bedroom, I don’t give a fuck, if a girl gets upset and think I’m lame then go fuck another nigga it don’t bother me. I realized that being single was the best decision ever. Someone on twitter use to tweet everyday ” I’m glad that I can wake up and not get cheated on” lol I don’t know why but that’s funny to me. I started saying that lol. Now for women reading this, I know there are some good women out there I know,so I didn’t take my frustration out on all women but some of you are fucked up, just being honest. Another lesson I learn is you can’t always trust a christian that lives by the bible day in and day out(no offensive). Some Christians are good people so I’m not placing all Christians in this category, but be careful because some of them will hurt you in the worst. Some of them will just receive from you and will not give you anything in return. I respect church members and it’s a great honor to see them worship God but the one thing that use to annoy me with them was they are so nosy. Like they would always try everything in their power to  try to get me involved in the church activities , they don’t accept no for an answer. For example, they say, “come to the Friday night service, you said you don’t work on Fridays you not doing nothing so come on down” it’s annoying when they do that because it’s like they trying to trap me into coming but all this does is push me away further and further. Like I said I wasn’t perfect because I broke up with my ex through a text message so I’m not trying to appear innocent.  If you would like to hear more about why I broke up with my ex, through a text message and the events take took place then comment below. If you read this long blog from start to finish appreciate you because this took a lot of thinking to write this. I love relating to people that been heart broken because I know how it feels.   I heard this in church once

 

“We all have gotten hurt by somebody and we all will hurt somebody”

 

We Eloped 

Lack of hunger
made me move
less closer
Your beauitful eyes
are amber
but I refuse to stare
instead I gaze at
the floor.
I wasn’t movatived.
Face looks  as
if I’m sedated.
Laziness is contagious
like pink eye
so I refuse
to stay by your side.
Scent of your perfume
reminds me when flowers bloom .
Gorgeous and love to inhale
but face is yet pale
for the heart I break
you didn’t take it well
I mentioned perfume
to tell you
I will forever miss you.
From the food I use
to eat
When my hands
massaged your feet
First met
Bashful when you use
to speak.
Your like the redcoats
in 1783 going
through defeat.
Like temptations
Night of September
The night you
will remember 
The day I broke your heart.
My heart for you
went from
transparent to translucent
to now non-existent.
While I leave you at
the altar
as you read this
you will think
I have no honor.
We can’t no longer be together,
But ironically I will still be in your life
because I will still have a wife.
Now look around the aisle
do you see you sister?
This last part important
so I will increase
the font
Words from your older  sister
“Sorry I missed your wedding big sis
but good news is I just made you aunt because I’m pregnant. “

Are You A Slave To Loyalty?

Have you ever been loyal to somebody that betrayed you and stab you in the back over and over?
Have you ever been in a situation where you realized moving on was harder than you thought?
Have you ever prayed that the person that treated you like dirt, would change?
Were you disappointed when the person made false promises on how they would change but they just remain the same?
Ever been hurt so bad that you regret falling in love in the 1st place?
Ever cried yourself to sleep and the tears kept pouring down your face?
Last but not least, have you ever thought about committing suicide becuase you thought suicide would help the pain escape?

Learn to let go
when people act cold.
Not everyone has a pure soul
and heart.
Don’t hold on when
your broken.
Holding on is
sometimes poisioned.
They take your heart
and destroy it
and they can’t rebuild.
Like Toysrus
going bankrupt
but the kids are still living
So why when people go corrupted
the pain your still holding
and suffering?
Same thoughts keep rethinking.
Worrying yourself to death
becuase you think
the painful memories is all you have left.
Loyalty is going to lead you to death
and become a rat trap
that snaps your neck.
Waiting for others to change
but you are the one
that have to change
Begging them to stay
like a begger asking
for spare change
Go to work
Go the gym
Go to church
Go make new friends.
People come and go
for a reason.
Some are only meant
for a season.
You are not nobody’s slave
So use the time and space
to help create
an opportunity
to move forward.
Slavery is in the past
Staying loyal to
the wrong one
is ass backwards.
Mental slavery
have us corrupted
and people behaviors
sometimes make
me disgusted.
Here’s a question
and think it
Why are we loyal to
the ones that don’t
give a fuck about us
and they turn their back
on us?
Now why do we ignore
the ones that are are loyal
to us and use  the ones
that would give the world
to us?

Tired of being the nice guy

Life is  so complicated,
to the point where the good guy gets frustrated.

Always the ones that’s helpful
towards the ones that act disrespectful.

Kindness taken for weakness,
so seeking revenge is your darkest secret

Go above and beyond to receive a blessing and salvation,
but in return get stabbed in the back with a deadly weapon.

Like a cycle, this happens over and over.
Feeling cold and hopeless like a homeless man  in December on the first day of winter.

Nice guys finish last.
The bad guys move right pass.
They look back at you call you a sucker and laugh.

Nice guys are stepped on like stairs.
Nice guys are first round losers like losing first in musical chairs.

Nice guys get used,
mistreated and abuse.
Like an apple-tree, people pick and choose the nice one
to eat through and abuse for  their own benefit.
So sad, so selfish.

Everybody supposedly likes the nice guy,
but who really appreciates the Mr. nice guy?

Tired of acting nice to people
that act evil.
Trying to be nice was a mistake I can’t take back,
but being straightforward and saying whats on my mind is right because no one but myself have my back.

Like dinosaurs my patience is  now nonexistent.
This is a story not a poem I’m on a mission
to teach people a lesson.
Hurting feelings well now that’s expected,

in return for allowing myself to be disrespected.
I will avenge the death of my nice side
through automatic transformation.
Welcome to my bad side