How I Really Feel And I Won’t Lie(Part 3)

Before you read this, I highly recommend you read How I Really Feel And I Won’t Lie and How I Really Feel And I Won’t Lie(Part 2)first. I share my very personal thoughts in poetry format cut and dry and I don’t give a fuck. Through out this poem, I will have some sentences in bold in this poem because those are the quotes that are most powerful lessons that I learned.

The way I wrote this, I wrote this as if I was having a private conversation with a very close person in a confidential place, like in a pastors office or at a therapy session. So when reading this, picture this as if you are a pastor or therapist and after reading this or hearing this verbally, how would you respond?

I have a frightened look in my eyes,

so lord I ask you to be by my side.

It’s better to tell the truth than to lie.

I have a good heart

but I think about homicide and suicide.

Scared for my life and I’m weak

like an abused wife.

I don’t get beat, but at times,afraid to speak.

Absent minded is a weakness of mines.

I know improvement comes with time

but being criticized for years destroyed my spirit and pride.

Please show me the way to keep me safe.

When the way is available

I pray that I choose the right path to keep me safe.

Today all I know is that I have to pray

but how do I start?

Another weakness of mines

how do I finish what I start?

My mind is like

a hockey player skating on a hockey ring,

I am all over the place.

Can’t stay focus and I always had problems to concentrate

on anything.

I never had interest in going back to church

but I would reconsider if I can find the right person to relate to,

to show me how to follow you and make the right moves.

To teach me to do not what always feels good

but do what is right.

I don’t know why but all I know is I fear for my life?

I haven’t cried in three years.

Maybe I should release the pain by shedding tears.

Sometimes I hate myself for not speaking up.

So many times I let things slide like a water ride.

Am I worthy to be a man?

What is it that I don’t understand?

I am curious to know what is your plan?

Will I die in happiness tomorrow

or live in misery for the rest of the century?

Will I accomplish more than my parents

Or will I die with nothing and go to hell

when people visit me in the cemetery?

Will I be a legend?

Will I be just a short term memory?

Will I be loved for eternally?

“Will I escape the weather when it rains?

Or will I stand still and accept the rain

and look above my head at the dark cloud?”

I was fortunate to have both parents

and yet so many doubts.

“Is it right to hate someone you love?

Another words, can you love and hate somebody

at the same time?”

It’s better to tell the truth than to lie,

so I am fuming on the inside.

“So stressed since over the years I’ve been criticize,

so I became addicted to free time.

All I wanna do is just being alone with my thoughts

and zone out but this is not healthy right?

Is this the reason why I am lazy?

Is it because I am addicted to free time?

I can write and write

about all the fucked things that happened to me

but what am I accomplishing in life

by complaining all the time?

I have lied at times but it was because I am addicted the free time.

I should be happy and free right?

Telling the truth is the right thing

but telling the truth make you regretful

when the result of it makes you miserable,

so is it better to lie than to tell the truth?

So see how I am addicted to free time?

For being criticized

and always doing things other people’s way

is why I rather isolate into my own space.

I keep my feelings inside

but it takes up space

in my head and when it is time

for me to handle my responsibilities,

I can’t concentrate.

Overthink shit every single day.”

They say be careful what you wish for.

Well for years I wished for peace

but instead I bleed

and the people that stabbed me

are usually the people I don’t see

so I learned that betrayal is beyond my reach.

So I isolate my self to protect myself.

I talk to myself.

Is this bad for my health?

Well you can answer that

but I don’t give a fuck about your opinion

if you think I’m not an ordinary civilian

when you haven’t walked years down the path I took.

“You ever had a bad dream and thought it was real

and you was thankful you woke up and it wasn’t real?

Well imagine it in reverse,

I sleep and dream about heaven and peace

and wake up to brimstone and fire

so another words my reality is a nightmare?”

I can relate to the average inmate on the tier.

Ever wondered how an inmate or homeless person sleep?

Imagine having a good dream

and waking up to living on the street or in prison.

Or imagine dreaming about endless sex

with beautiful women but wake up knowing you are a virgin?

“Now this don’t sound so unpleasant

and this pain sounds lenient

but we all view things different.”

To that virgin, it feels like

his dick is in prison

and he has to wait years to release his semen.

His wrist has limited movement

from being cuffed and his wrist hurts

from constantly jerking off.

“For those of reading this,

do you see how I am relating masturbating to prison?

It’s about guilt and this how I feel.

Guilty like a criminal and my guilt

has my mind and body in a cell.

So jerking off is my exercise and freedom

to release tension and the blood flow is increasing

like I ‘m pumping iron

and my arm is so sore

I could barely lift it.

See how I related masturbating to prison?”

Let me stop bragging and explain my flaws

through erectile dysfunction.

My mind couldn’t function.

It was a little over four years ago,

but felt like yesterday

when I couldn’t play with it my way.

When I say it, I’m talking about

the vagina.

It’s in front me but I didn’t have the tool to use it.

“As a child you ever had video games and toys in front

of you

but wasn’t allowed to play with them

because you was on punishment?

Imagine that is this.

Felt like an unprepared student

always forgetting his pencil.

I had so much potential to be an excellent lover

but the pain was mental

and this is where I learned mental slavery

is worst than physical slavery.”

My mind is worn out

like the big bad wolf

when trying to blow the third little

pigs house down by huffing

and puffing.

Got tired of stressing

so went to the urologist

and got a sample of cialis.

Like nicotine, I got addicted to this

and raw vagina and cream pies felt

good like holding your urine for a hour straight

until you finally get home and then you start

releasing it

like a new video game coming out for Christmas

and because of cialis, the cells in my seamen

was like the crowd rushing on Black Friday in the front doors

of Walmart at midnight.

But constant pregnancy scares had me fearing for my life.

This was another mental fight.

So lesson I learned was, one problem solved

can add on another when you take shortcuts

but I’m hardheaded and I don’t know if I give a fuck

about making the same mistakes.

But anyway I went off topic and let me get back to it.

For a while this was pain for me

for worrying what others think of me

and that’s the weakness in me.

But I had to find a way escape this mental pain

when she choose another guy over me ( read I Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 1) andI Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 2) This is a very long blog personal blog

for full story).

So I blamed and hated myself and blamed God for not

getting hard.

But it’s whatever

because I realized there is better

and I’m talking about better vagina.

I pushed my integrity out the window

and paid for professionals.

Fuck passion and romance

getting my dick sucked and rough sex

became my best friends.

and sex with average girls became overrated.

Instead of letting them judge me,

I decided to judge them

and thought women were worthless

and do I still feel this way, hmm I honestly don’t know?

My lack of sex skills had me despising black women

and I am going to be honest,

I was in my emotions

acting sensitive like a little bitch

but I reminded my self

that I was a man

and I’m suppose to think with logic

and this time period for me

was difficult like algebraic expressions

so I found a way to simplify it

by reminding myself sex is overrated

and reminding myself of that

defined my mentality

like I was looking up something

in a Websters dictionary.

I was told

“Love is a serious mental diseases?”

“So hate is my weapon to conquer my enemy

because being hateful is selfish

and selfish people usually have the biggest hearts

and been through the worst type of heart breaks.”

This was something I just learned yesterday.

I will be more selfish

tomorrow for hating my yesterday

and today I received a present

a got a small heart to fit in my body.

So I’m an writing this to present

my soul for you to witness.

I can write for so long

you would think I am immortal.

My thoughts are for free, they are affordable

like united healthcare

but in reality it’s worth more

than any coin or dollar.

Was told plenty of times

my poetry is deep and powerful

so I hope when you read this

I helped you witness a miracle.

Now I can’t turn water into wine

but maybe I can save you from

committing a crime

or exiting out of somebody’s life

over some fucked up shit

because don’t be like I.

I am here to change lives

like a inmate on beyond scare straight

doing life

but I doubt if I would,

before I die.

Fuck wishing to be a billionaire,

I would rather die broke tomorrow

if tonight I can save a life.

As you can see, I can write all day

and all night

like an inmate, have nothing but time.

But what happens after I finish telling my life experiences?

So my question is, will I have another poem left in me

and when my work is complete, should I take my

life story to recite to an open mic?

I still have more to write and I think I will get darker and deeper. I think one day in the distant future, I will recite this to a large crowd to save people from becoming like me.

So when you reading this an imaging that you are a pastor or therapist, how would you respond?(No need to answer this question but its is something think about or even discuss with somebody else you close with)

But I will leave three questions for you to answer in the comment section

  1. After reading this, what are three words to describe this poem?

  2. Can you get your heart broken if you are a selfish person?

  3. While you were reading this, the statements I left in quotes, did you learn anything new or was everything relatable?

  4. I am always willing to learn so is there anything you would like to share about his or if you have a view point about something that I mentioned, feel free to comment below

  5. Also comment below if you have a good deep question for me to think about and I am willing to respond.

Image result for how i feel

And

Image result for how i feel

How I Really Feel And I Won’t Lie(Part 2)

Before you read this, I highly recommend you ready How I Really Feel And I Won’t Lie first. I share my very personal thoughts in poetry format cut and dry and I don’t give a fuck. Through out this poem, I will have some sentences in bold in this poem because those are the quotes that are most powerful lessons that I learned

I can write for days

while you observe

the pain on my face.

Plus I’m poor

like a report card

with bad grades.

“Myself, I choose to isolate

and use to do it

to keep my heart safe

but it just increased the rage

and I write poetry to release frustration.

to keep my head straight.”

I can snap at any given time

and space

and I’m sure some of you can relate.

I mean how much can a muthfucka take?

It’s sad when you ain’t

comfortable at your home base.

I zone out and stare off into space

wishing somebody else can take my place.

I use to wonder why I never had so many dates?

As I got older, I was like fuck a date,

paying for sex was the way.

For those of you that follow me,

I mentioned this in so many ways.

So many ways I can express my hate.

I hate a person that always thinks he/she right.

Thinking their opinion only matters in life.

I hate a person that’s tight

with money in their hand.

“I know people that will help a stranger

before a family member

or friend.

Loyal to the wrong person

until they are betrayed

and now back to family

they complaining expressing their hurt

and this is how life works,

the ones that don’t have it like that

will give you their last

and the ones that got it like that

are tight with it.”

It hurts because money rules the world.

I said over and over

“Loyalty push to the side when the price is right

and it been like this

way before Bob Barker’s time.”

Judas betrayed Jesus

for 30 silver pieces

way way before social media existed.

“Performing miracles isn’t impressive

because money is the real magic.”

Mind is playing tricks

falling victim to the devil’s wish

selling him your body and soul

and you just became his trick

and he pimps

you out to be worldly.

“Is worshiping God boring?

If the answer is yes

is this the reason

why more people go to hell then heaven?

How can we make worshiping God more exciting?”

Excitement comes three times,

when the dick is hard,

when the pussy is wet,

and when money involved.

Its an addiction we can’t stop.

If money was promised

to every person

that go to church on Sunday,

more people would be worshiping God.

Wouldn’t you agree?

See how this is fake pretending?

People only around to seek cheese

until you speak up and say no.

Behind your back

they make fun of the way you speak

after they take your money.

A few post back I said

“Same niggas they say

“Money over pussy”

put

“Pussy over family””.

Mothers out there fucking their son’s

right hand man to receive money in their hand.

Some mothers fuck for free.

If one of my friends

fucked my mother he dying for free.

“But I don’t have friends,

I have family.

So another words,

never trust a friend

because they can never be family.”

Friends are temporary like the temp agency.

We chase the wrong ones,

chasing the popularity.

“As a kid in high school,

was told talking to bitches

was what make you popular

because niggas want bitches

and bitches want niggas

that are popular

and being around fine bitches

is what make niggas popular.”

“High school is popularity chasing and chasing

something is a full time job

which is time consuming

and chasing too hard for something

will get you nothing”.

“Chasing too hard for something

will have trying

to pretend to be someone you not”.

It will make you look eve more corny.

Like a comedian trying to hard to be funny?

“Sometimes good things will come naturally

but we hate patience with a passion

and this destroys us spiritually

and we disconnect with God

and feel empty

like being in a relationship with somebody

w/o the chemistry.

But we get comfortable in solitary

so avoiding communicating

leads to cheating

and looking over your shoulder

to make sure you don’t get caught.

But we just students and bad experience

is the teacher but some students

don’t listen

so we try avoiding

getting caught

but being lucky isn’t guaranteed”

I will reiterate that

“Sometimes good things will come naturally

but we hate patience with a passion

and this destroys us spiritually

and we disconnect with God

and feel empty

like being in a relationship with somebody

w/o the chemistry.

But we get comfortable in solitary

so avoiding communicating

leads to cheating

and looking over your shoulder

to make sure you don’t get caught.

But we just students and bad experience

is the teacher but some students

don’t listen

so we try avoiding

getting caught

but being lucky isn’t guaranteed”

What is guaranteed?

Taxes, death

but what else is left?

Never guaranteed life

but we guaranteed

we will die the moment

you planted inside a woman.

Not guarantee to see life

some cells never make out the vagina

Some lives die inside but did God do those lives a favor?

Life is not sweet like candy

you’ll either will learn this now or later.

Either way it don’t matter

because I’m still bitter.

This is more than a long poem

I’m expressing true life emotions

and I’m doing ya a favor. I

tell the cold hard truth

and the amount of people that lie

you’ll see that the crowd is wide

like an angle that’s obtuse.

Lies we get so use to

we don’t believe it

when we actually meet a person

that tells the truth.

My poetry might not be great

but it speaks the truth

even if it embarrasses my personality.

So much to say

I have alot to say

I can write for days

while you observe the pain on my face.

My hidden emotions is my excuse

to how I became a talent poet

and I can tell a life story better than fresh prince

But what happens after I finish telling my life experiences?

So my question is, will I have another poem left in me

after this get uploaded?

I will upload a part 3 and maybe a part 4 .

If Today Was Your Last Day, How Would You Want Your Family Members To Remember You?

 Click play button to listen  #np on #SoundCloud
 
If I could go back to the day where I can fix what held me back I would be able to trust myself Here am I with a picture of memories thinking of hurting myself. All I need is a chance in a day One shot, one place to fix my mistakes that I made, vomiting all of the pain. If I had one angel and a prophet to guide me safe along the way. Cup of holy water, mixed with wine anointing myself as I lay across the sofa. Re-learn all the politics so I could use to my advantage. Need the sermons to subdue the hollowness in my heart affected by relationships. Shallowness are common in companionships. Life is a bitch and she will suck the life out of you like a woman that's avoiding conception but ironically life is a blessing. Blessings are only appreciated when materialistic things involved. Motivation dissolved since good times don't last forever. Felt type of pain like a heartbroken mother because her daughter commit suicide. Never saw the defeat in her eyes since the smile was a disguise, hiding the true feeling inside. Friends are really spies watching from a distance like binoculars zooming in until they found a weakness and use it to their advantage and catch you blinded sided like driving and getting hit from the right side. We don't wanna be right when logic and emotion aren't on the same side. We do what feels good instead of what's actually right. Getting high in the hood feels right being up all night because loud music don't know the difference between night and daylight. Converse more with strangers on social media then family members.
I'm trapped in a circle,
Stuck in a bubble 
Nowhere to go 
Blessing since trouble 
is within my distance.
Walls are 
closing in towards 
the skin 
on my bones 
Me and my shadow 
all alone 
for so long
but the gray hairs 
on my ears 
reminds me that
life is short.

Drunk off of hallucinations
Pictures, images 
extremely haunted, 
existent upon
the environment.
I don't comprehend 
eccentric expressions 
in the area.
The length and width 
of these images  
are possessed with spirits
which penetrates 
my mental anguish.

First of all 
I ask lord to forgive me.
For my loves ones, 
listen to me
before you speak.
Don't act first 
please think.
For every waking
moment that I breathe
I live a lie
a double life
and I wonder how 
I sleep?
I lie to seek peace.
Mentally I'm weak
like a sheep
surrounded by a world 
full of German Shepard's 
and wolves
and I'm terrified 
karma will charge 
me like a bull.
Doing something you hate
I believe is a disgrace 
and a waste.
Wasted talent 
should not be any man's plan
even though this is 
something that's so common.
Alot of the most talented 
men are serving a life sentence 
in prison.
I think to myself 
money, goals, and success 
Don't mean shit without happiness.

Praying For A Better Future

Generation lacks discipline and common sense.
We live in a world where we fake and pretend,
that we are loyal to our friends.
Friends become enemies since jealousy more common than loyalty.
People say “Trust me” than stab you in back then ask “Why you bleeding?”
God , we say we believe in him, but yet put money and sex over everything.
Money and sex is the motto because it’s the root of all evil.
Foundation of the most horrific sins from the people.
People switch up and change like the color of leaves.
Women won’t give you a time of day until money coming your away but that been the way since ancient days.
Will scarfice the reputation of their name by using sex to get their way.
Men with power attracts those women like magnets to the point they steal bfs from there own kind because there way they got to have it.
Life is graphic and surrounded by violence.
Survial of the fittest between the weak and the dominant.
When you look around you, what do see, what’s most prominent?
Just see yourself in an environment your trying to survie in.
Another words look out for yourself because others brings disappointment, especially during the hardships they turn into ghosts when you need them most.
But this is what happens to us when we forget to put God 1st.
Instead of Jesus, a soulmate is what we tend to search to subdue our struggles or loneliness.
Many of us thinks a relationship is the key to happiness,
but sometimes it’s a knock on the door of the Devil’s .
Invitations sent we just invited trouble.
Eliminating a problem sometimes adds on another one.
Just when we think we found true love, true colors come out.
From a hero in disguise to a monster out the closet.
Your soulmate wasn’t being honest, but the truth soon will be acknowledged when you looking at two red lines parallel while on the toilet.
Well at least now you know the reason of the sudden fatigue and headaches.
Scared but yet feel safe since you think you been blessed with a man that has ambition and with you in his future plans,
until you get a unknown call from another woman cursing you out saying stop harassing my man.
Come to find out, your man has a baby momma and he’s already a deadbeat father.
From looking up to him as a hero, you now see he’s a coward.
A coward that ran game on you and you was only a side chick.
All them late nights, he’s tell you have complete ownership of him and his dick.
Now you have take off work to make a trip at the clinic.
Another baby aborted since you can’t afford to take care of an infant.
So bad you wanted to keep it but your man left you stranded.
So heartbroken because things didn’t go the way planed it.
Told you that having you was like scoring the winning touchdown,but you was really a 2nd string player in a scrimmage.

Love and Hate

Complete opposites of one another,
but yet very similar.
Co-existing forces,
that come from complex sources.
You can give ,receive, have, feel, both,
but only love is growth,
for the heart.
But yet falling in love is so goddamn hard,
with each other.
Steve Urkel and Laura(family matters).
Steve was in war and he won every battle and he finally conquered Laura,
and won her over.
It took him years to get out of the friend zone territory.
To him it’s extraordinary.
But its not that simple and  ordinary.
Most give up after one or two tries when your heart been shattered to a million pieces.
Heart gets broken on the floor, we walk away and leave it.
Quitting is easier than fixing.
Love has 2 frenemies.
Sex and money.
This is very common, very ordinary.
You don’t just love sex, you get addicted.
Let me break it down and explain it.
People confuse love with addiction.
Look them up in the dictionary, you’ll see there’s a difference
Ask yourself (for the women) is sex with the right person addictive?(especially if he hitting it right with a long dick)
Does sex make a unhealthy relationship stretch longer than its supposed to?
Or have you cheated on your s/o to get better sex from somewhere else?
Think about it to yourself and answer it?
You ever let a guy hit, and he never called you again?
You ever still let a guy that treat you like shit hit over and over again?
Just like sex, you don’t just love money, you get addicted?

(For the men)
Has a female ever persuade you to trick(and still ain’t let you hit)?
Have you ever thought to yourself the more money I spend, the more pussy I get?
Have you ever try bagging a girl when broke with no change in your pocket?
You ever had a girl only willing to have sex and suck your dick(even swallow) just when she need something( money mostly)
If females didn’t come with fame and money would you still be motivated into making money?
Hmm interesting.
Is it really love?
Give it a second thought.
While you think about that, lets talk about the worst.
Can’t have one without the other.
Since the beginning of time thru today.
Thin line between love and hate.
Love turns into hate so easily,
But when has hate turn into love?
A broken heart will make you hate falling in love
Don’t take much to hate.
God and Satan, Cain and Abel.
Not a fairy tale, not a fable.
Straight from the bible.
Thin line between love and hate but
Its a thick line between hate and love.
Hate don’t ever turn into love?
God forbid you have sex with your spouse without using a glove,
and you find out that you HIV positive.
Now would you kill your spouse?
And if you do kill your spouse, would you even attend the funeral or visit the grave or would you piss on the grave?
Most people say, I don’t hate and wish death on no one.
But trust, let hate conquer your mind and heart like a territory and try saying telling yourself” I wish death on no one”
Love and hate are parents of every emotion(jealously, happy, anger etc)

Emotions are so complicated.
They are not always demonstrated.
It’s not easy to explain it.
Like you can’t explain to someone how to fall in love.
You can only explain why its complicated.
You can’t explain how to hate someone, you can only explain what triggers the emotion hate.
Problem in life, a plate hate is commonly swallowed,
But the crumbs of love we only receive a taste.

 

addiction