Would a 14 year old be proud of what I’ve become?

Would a 14 year old be proud of what I’ve become?

When I read this question, I thought to myself this might be deepest.

My life I do take extremely serious, but why do I move so careless?

For years, I’ve tried so hard to be fearless

but I’m just a scared little boy mentally with a bad porn addiction.

What is living the dream?

Is it doing what you love, or is it about the money?

Does life flow smooth like milk and honey

in the promise land

or is life collapsing like the holy temple in 70 A.D.?

I’ve yet to figure out my real feelings

What do people think when they recongize my true identity?

I have lots of battles I have to fight and I’m running out of soldiers.

Lack of preparation increases the pressure.

I wake up sometimes and my heart beat fast.

Worry from the future and worry from the past.

I wonder how long this anxiety disorder will last.

Do you know what it feels like to wake up nervous because knowing ahead of time you are going to have a hard day?

You physically living safe in life, but your brain is 100 grand in an apartment without a safe.

Mentally sometimes my thought process is unsafe.

My long term memory is 200 GB, and its 170 GB full.

Almost 30 and I tell you, when I was 14, I didn’t vision this.

I didn’t vision still living with my father.

I didn’t vision barely making minimum wage.

I didn’t vision life getting harder, I thought life would of got easier since I didn’t care for childhood.

Now damn near almost 30, I have accomplishments, but to be honest, I feel like it’s not enough.

I’m tired of working for a boss.

I’m tired of dreaming.

I’m tired of sexual intercourse due to my porn addiction.

I’m tired of studying.

I’m tired of trying to advance in my career.

No matter how many times I make an effort to succeed, I get nowhere.

Life is too fast paced.

I feel like a 4th grader stuck on 1st grade reading level.

It’s like I’m close to the pot of gold behind the door

but I don’t have an access code.

No matter how many times I have tried to find a way to be happy, access is denied.

Will a million dollars make me erase all the pain or would I still find reasons to be miserable?

I won’t blame everything on my childhood, but I wonder if I grew up in a different family, different home, would I be in a much better place or is misery is where I forever belong.

It took me almost 30 years that I have a huge anxiety disorder.

I wish I had good things to say, but I be lying to every 14 year old.

So to every 14 year old that’s reading this, I speak advice into your souls.

Life is cold, but please if you not happy living at home or doing what you love for a living 10 years later,

It will put a pile of bricks on your shoulder that will slow you done making you feel like 65 when your only 25.

You don’t have to believe me, I’m the living testimony.

I one thing I do have good going that I’m proud of is my poetry.

I love to write and I believe I’m good at it.

I wish there was a way I could make a living off of it.

So to every 14 year old reading this, take my advice and don’t follow my footsteps.