Before you read this, I highly recommend you read How I Really Feel And I Won’t Lie and How I Really Feel And I Won’t Lie(Part 2)first. I share my very personal thoughts in poetry format cut and dry and I don’t give a fuck. Through out this poem, I will have some sentences in bold in this poem because those are the quotes that are most powerful lessons that I learned.
The way I wrote this, I wrote this as if I was having a private conversation with a very close person in a confidential place, like in a pastors office or at a therapy session. So when reading this, picture this as if you are a pastor or therapist and after reading this or hearing this verbally, how would you respond?
I have a frightened look in my eyes,
so lord I ask you to be by my side.
It’s better to tell the truth than to lie.
I have a good heart
but I think about homicide and suicide.
Scared for my life and I’m weak
like an abused wife.
I don’t get beat, but at times,afraid to speak.
Absent minded is a weakness of mines.
I know improvement comes with time
but being criticized for years destroyed my spirit and pride.
Please show me the way to keep me safe.
When the way is available
I pray that I choose the right path to keep me safe.
Today all I know is that I have to pray
but how do I start?
Another weakness of mines
how do I finish what I start?
My mind is like
a hockey player skating on a hockey ring,
I am all over the place.
Can’t stay focus and I always had problems to concentrate
I never had interest in going back to church
but I would reconsider if I can find the right person to relate to,
to show me how to follow you and make the right moves.
To teach me to do not what always feels good
but do what is right.
I don’t know why but all I know is I fear for my life?
I haven’t cried in three years.
Maybe I should release the pain by shedding tears.
Sometimes I hate myself for not speaking up.
So many times I let things slide like a water ride.
Am I worthy to be a man?
What is it that I don’t understand?
I am curious to know what is your plan?
Will I die in happiness tomorrow
or live in misery for the rest of the century?
Will I accomplish more than my parents
Or will I die with nothing and go to hell
when people visit me in the cemetery?
Will I be a legend?
Will I be just a short term memory?
Will I be loved for eternally?
“Will I escape the weather when it rains?
Or will I stand still and accept the rain
and look above my head at the dark cloud?”
I was fortunate to have both parents
and yet so many doubts.
“Is it right to hate someone you love?
Another words, can you love and hate somebody
at the same time?”
It’s better to tell the truth than to lie,
so I am fuming on the inside.
“So stressed since over the years I’ve been criticize,
so I became addicted to free time.
All I wanna do is just being alone with my thoughts
and zone out but this is not healthy right?
Is this the reason why I am lazy?
Is it because I am addicted to free time?
I can write and write
about all the fucked things that happened to me
but what am I accomplishing in life
by complaining all the time?
I have lied at times but it was because I am addicted the free time.
I should be happy and free right?
Telling the truth is the right thing
but telling the truth make you regretful
when the result of it makes you miserable,
so is it better to lie than to tell the truth?
So see how I am addicted to free time?
For being criticized
and always doing things other people’s way
is why I rather isolate into my own space.
I keep my feelings inside
but it takes up space
in my head and when it is time
for me to handle my responsibilities,
I can’t concentrate.
Overthink shit every single day.”
They say be careful what you wish for.
Well for years I wished for peace
but instead I bleed
and the people that stabbed me
are usually the people I don’t see
so I learned that betrayal is beyond my reach.
So I isolate my self to protect myself.
I talk to myself.
Is this bad for my health?
Well you can answer that
but I don’t give a fuck about your opinion
if you think I’m not an ordinary civilian
when you haven’t walked years down the path I took.
“You ever had a bad dream and thought it was real
and you was thankful you woke up and it wasn’t real?
Well imagine it in reverse,
I sleep and dream about heaven and peace
and wake up to brimstone and fire
so another words my reality is a nightmare?”
I can relate to the average inmate on the tier.
Ever wondered how an inmate or homeless person sleep?
Imagine having a good dream
and waking up to living on the street or in prison.
Or imagine dreaming about endless sex
with beautiful women but wake up knowing you are a virgin?
“Now this don’t sound so unpleasant
and this pain sounds lenient
but we all view things different.”
To that virgin, it feels like
I still have more to write and I think I will get darker and deeper. I think one day in the distant future, I will recite this to a large crowd to save people from becoming like me.
So when you reading this an imaging that you are a pastor or therapist, how would you respond?(No need to answer this question but its is something think about or even discuss with somebody else you close with)
But I will leave three questions for you to answer in the comment section
After reading this, what are three words to describe this poem?
Can you get your heart broken if you are a selfish person?
While you were reading this, the statements I left in quotes, did you learn anything new or was everything relatable?
I am always willing to learn so is there anything you would like to share about his or if you have a view point about something that I mentioned, feel free to comment below
Also comment below if you have a good deep question for me to think about and I am willing to respond.