These last 2 weeks have been very emotional for me. I have been thinking hard about how much racism affects black people in America. I sometimes think what would life be like if racism did not exist but then I snap out of it because I try not to dwell on something that would never become a reality. I am going to list some questions that I have been constantly been thinking about for the past two weeks.
1) Do you think that Barack Obama becoming president helped black people or hurt black people in America?
2) After the George Floyd incident that took place, does this make you more hesitant to date or marry a white person?
3) Do you think black people need to do more to help each other and if they do, besides protesting what ways do you think black people can help uplift each other?
4) Do you think christianity is a false religon for the black man?
5) When you first learned about slavery as child, how did it make you feel?
6) What do you think black men should do to protect black women more?
7) Do you think black women as well need to do more to protect black men?
8) For anybody, do you think to becoming successful requires sleepless nights every now and then?
9) Do you ever imagine what life would be like now if Christopher Columbus didn’t come to America in 1492?
10) Do you believe that black liberals have a slave mentality that keeps black people from moving a step forward or do you think America is designed to keep black people back?
11) Do you think that black conservatives are educated people that do research and really care about the government and politicians helping the black community?
12) How do feel about Joe Biden when he said that if you vote for Trump then you ain’t black?
If you want, you can comment below your answer to one of the following 12 questions above. These are quest
A version of me will be different completely.
The keyword “will” becuase I’m still trying.
All I know is I need a change, but don’t know how.
So many times been knocked out to the ground.
Life is about about angels and demons.
Demons , we think of a 1/3 of rejected angels that follow Satan.
Evil smiles with pitch forks beings causing havoc,
but disgiused in music with explicit content, unprotected sexual intercourse, weed smoke or any drug even cigarettes.
An great feeling becomes an addiction thats unnoticeable,
but it makes you feel noble.
Pain in life is global, and to a certain extent, we are all spolied.
This is a sample of what I been going through.
I been negative since a child in elementary school.
I wrote so many poems that expose dark secrets in invisible journals.
I no longer want to be a slave of life, I want to be a colonel.
I had the arrogant mentality, saying to myself
“Lord I deserve you”
but I realized this type of thinking will have the lord curse you.
I need a new sin washed away, and I will began to pray.
I can’t express it yet because I’m not ready to,
but lord knows a change is overdue.
I’m my own worst enemy that ambushed myself into misery.
If I don’t change now, no matter how many accomplishments accomplished, I will face defeat.
In the future I just saw a sneak peak and I learned there is a slight difference between failure and defeat.
Failure everybody goes through, but some will get defeated and destroyed.
Failure can be temporary if we fight for the future.
Success almost feels impossible and this couldn’t be any truer.
So allowing the enemy in you destroy yourself seems much easier.
So how to go against the odds and rise above?
Do I drown myself in a white tub
to wash the sins so I can pray to the lord above?
Well I’ll start with acknowledging my fears and weaknesses
and I’ll continue writing for the next 30 minutes
until 9:36.
I try my hardest to give a fuck, but people make me not give a fuck.
Life is no training program, you learned your lesson after you fuck up.
Who do you trust? I mean people change their character like a street fighter video game when money involved.
Working hard, but its not really about working hard.
Hard workers die younger and younger everday.
Life becomes harder everyday.
I always thought when life gets harder, you work harder.
But nah, its about working smarter.
Your brain is a muscle and overtraining it won’t make it grow faster, it just delays the process.
I have so many accomplishments on hold, I’m delayed in the process.
But I’m learning to stop making excuses, I just have to do it.
I refuse to be destoryed by my own enemy, even though I’m clueless.
But I know the tools handed to me was by a demon since I tend to be oblivious.
But its not gonna work this time, becuase even though I am thrown to the wolves, I will acknowledge my common sense.
Common sense is all about survial of the fittest
and I will survie the earthquakes and reduce it to a thunderstorm
so when I witness a dark cloud, I will no longer complain
becuase the sunlight is apporaching soon, I just need to be patient.
Just a few more minutes while writing this poem in a moment of silence.
I need a moment of silence because I just destoryed my final demon.
But if you are wondering why have a moment of silence for a demon, its because in the good book, we are taught to love our enemy.
Kill then with kindess and be friendly.
Sometimes I do feel the world is against me, but I know God is with me.
I no longer have fear, I can do anything.
For example, this thought provoking poem I wrote just now within 40 minutes.
This is day 1 of the rest of my life.
I will now allow the lord to fight my battles for the rest of my life.
I will be the best version of myself and now with the lord on my side, I am ready to fight.
Watch this video first before reading the rest of this post! This is a good video to watch on Valentine’s Day!
This one is for all the bloggers on wordpress. I dedicate this poem to every blogger because it takes hardwork ,dedication, passion to blog. Blogging by any means is not easy. Staying up late night, thinking of ways to improve your blog, figuring out how to relate to bloggers, trying to be creative. Some of you may relate, but blogging can be an addiction when trying so hard relating to others. Comparing to other blogs and feeling like your blog isn’t good enough. Sometimes you want to give up blogging. Or you could be in the position where blogging is the only time you feel at peace because you are depressed in life. I read a lot of depressing, heartbroken blogs. To those of you that are miserable in life but still continue to blog, keep writing because I am here to support and provide feedback and I love your work. Never be afraid to express yourself because I always love to hear what’s in a person mind and heart. For those of you that know me, Ya know I don’t give a fuck, I wrote some of the darkest shit such as rape, murder, suicide, heartbreaks, perverted shit, sex poems, poverty, rage, and hate. I won’t lie to you, my dark poems is reality. This is the stuff that goes on in my head but you know what though, I’m not afraid to talk about it because no matter how hard my life gets, I love God and when I think of Valentine’s Day, I think of God. God is more powerful than anything.
The lord is love
Power from above
Is enough
And more powerful
than 1000 hugs.
I almost shed tears
When seeking 2 love birds
Appear
On my WordPress
Madly in love.
Marriage and relationships
Is always tough.
Times get rough.
Arguments are always guaranteed.
Sometimes we don’t always think
Before we speak.
We hurt feelings
We cause problems
But only a few create solutions
Solutions rise above
And problems fall at the bottom.
Prior to 2018,
I never gave a fuck about Valentine’s Day
But I am more mature today.
Valentine’s Day is not about money and materialistic things.
It’s about celebrating friends and family.
I am not affectionate
but I have a girlfriend and I love her dearly.
After viewing some of the lovely Valentine’s day posts
About spouses and significant others
I just want to tell Tiffanee
That I love her dearly.
I will do whatever I got to do
To protect her from everything.
I know that sounds impossible
I will damn sure make the impossible, possible.
I love you and I always will.
For my long term bloggers that been following me
Since day 1,
You know that I write some very dark shit. I admit my mind can travel in dark places
And I can get very personal
But I have a big heart
And I love each and every one of you
For supporting me.
Ya give me the strength to write.
Ya give me the strength to fight.
Ya give me the strength to be a better poet.
Ya give me the strength to expose dark places.
In my mind.
I’m one of a kind
And one day when I shine
I will never forget my followers.
Each and every one of you deserves flowers.
For my male followers that have wives/girlfriends,
Treat your lady like
The way you want your daughter to be treated.
Protect her and be a leader and provider.
Tell her why you fell in love with her.
Tell her that you will always love her.
For my female followers that have husbands/boyfriends
Treat your man like
How you want your son to be treated.
Support him and appreciate him for being a provider.
Being a man that’s a provider and protector
Is a big responsibility
so be his helper and help him lead.
To all the single people,
Love don’t come from a relationship.
Love is provided to from Jesus
A significant other is not needed
For happiness.
I want single women to love themselves
And impress and spoil themselves.
Stop settling for situationships
From men that use devious tactics
And false disguises
Pretending to have feelings
when in reality treat your vagina
like an inmate that’s state property.
I want single men
To not let women with extreme high standards
Make you feel less like a man.
You are a man
And focus on your plan.
Don’t let pussy be a distraction
And stop letting women trick you into tricking
If you and her are not committed.
Because money attracts
But true love slowly contracts
The love that gives roots towards evil
True love is plentiful.
To everybody reading this
God bless you
And I love you!
My next post will be poem called “My Seductive Next Door Neighbor” and I looking to upload this by Sunday or Monday
What we can’t predict, we fear.
We fear what we can or cannot hear.
We thank God when the fear in us
is no longer here.
When I say ‘here‘ I’m talking about the heart.
How does a fear start?
Most know the answer to this; its simple.
When a past situation made the experience difficult
to the point its stuck in your head
and now that particular thought
makes your mind fearful
and the hands shake, legs quickly trembles. Like a fist to the temple, feels like death,
or something trivial like a pimple on a dimple.
The steps are sequential, when fear has potential
to store negative energy in your mind and body.
Fear is typical, slightly increasing like hourly wage when working for night differential.
But what if you fear nobody or nothing?
Ready for today; the minute death decides to take visit,
entering the building through the back entrance.
Attacks when you are unprepared, silent
or talking in the middle of a sentence.
But some choose to face the back entrance
and embrace it.
Is it karma or is it just the apple from the tree of good and knowledge,
disguised as a spirit?
No matter what, I face it as if I’m staring at my reflection.
I’m fearless.
I live on earth and fear nothing in it.
I ready to accept death and harm.
I’m in the moon position,
looking at earth most fearful challenges,
preparing myself to face it.
Some say I behave erratically,
but I’m doing exactly
what the bible tells me.
“He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
I memorized this verse from the book of Deuteronomy.
But some say I behave erratically
for miscalculating risks constantly.
Fear is an emotion and some say I’m avoiding,
but I tried hard for years to fear something
but the one thing I feared for years
have been disregarded through my apathetic mind.
Does my apathy affect my daily living?
Is Having to overcome my fears made me apathetic?
The one thing I once feared is omnipotent,
but yet I belive I am a dedicated Christian.
I can bare any punishment
for consequences of actions I committed
without thinking.
The laws in the bible make consequences predictable
and we fear what’s not predictable.
Besides God, I have never feared anything.
The news articles and crime reports are oblivious;even the crimes against women and kids that are committed.
Life in prison, a STD that’s life threatening, it don’t matter, I fear nothing.
Some say I behave erratically, but I’m following the bible precisely.
So the verse in Deuteronomy, is it contradicting
or am I the hands and use the scriptures as yarn to twist and turn
to manipulate you into thinking I am not afraid
when In reality, I fear everything around me?
I scrutinize the face and human eyes and analyze. Some say I look hypnotized. I concentrate to see the disgiuse behind to see if people are mystified. To see if they provide for what they lack inside. Skeletons and devils choose to hide. I verbally don’t express my right as I watch from the side and prepare for a plan to lead to their demise. My lips are sealed but the music amplifies my mind. I purposely choose to remain shy but yet mind can be dark like the clouds in the sky during a thunderstorm. I’m unique and I choose not to conform to the norm in society. So I constantly keep my mind reformed and my brain cells is plenty like the semen that brought me life. I refuse to allow the world to put me in a frenzy but like a roof I have moments when I decline since procrastination can be deadly like venom which spreads becuase of snakes in life, but I stand tall and fight and remind myself it’s all mental. The intellectual process in my mind in which I describe is clear-sighted. Well read and intellectually nimble Some say I’m related to a gerbil. Non-social but yet curious about my environment is what the ordinary person is describing when observing me as a person. The people in the vicinity is what I’m inspecting. Jealously and hate I notice and always expecting. Comprehending the disloyal helps me to appreciate those that are loyal. My personality so distinguished and I learn to relinquish the grip that made me hate myself. It’s hard to tell at first but watch me closely and you will see I choose to excel. One step at a time as I inhale and exhale. Worst feeling is feeling guilty as hell for failing when you was trying to do well. Lord would speak to me through dreams painting a picture of whales to expose how I was gifted with intuition and awareness. My sense of spirituality will overcome darkness like the light that separates from darkness for a solution due to the war in heaven. For every demon, I surround myself with 2 angels. I live life according to the 2:1 ratio which God will annihilate the Devil.
The number following 6 can be seen in the view of religion such as the seven deadly sins
Or think worldwide and list the seven continents. North America, South America, Asia, Australia, Europe and Antarctica
or take it simple and count the days Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday Thursday, Friday, and Saturday
as I count how many days in a week as I write and speak I think of Isaac Newton and the 7 colors of the rainbow. Red orange yellow blue green indigo and last but not least violet
But I guess you prefer to talk religion so sit back listen and pay attention. God rested on the seventh day. Vengeance will be 7 times over for the death of Cain Seven days of the feast of Passover
Seven pairs of every clean animals into the ark when God instructed Noah
Mary Magdalene was possessed by seven demons. Seven spirits of God, Seven Churches in the book of Revelation.
Seven men in the old testament starting with Moses, David, Samuel Shenaiah, Elijah, Elisha, and Igdaliah. 7 * 7 = age of virgin Mary when Jesus was born.
7 is a prime, 7 is odd. When I think of 7 I think of God.
Just want to say thank you to my followers. I wrote Get Lost In My Poems part 1 in August. Click the link to see what that poem is about. Evey poem that I wrote since the end of August up until yesterday all have a connection with each other which makes one huge poem. This giant poem contains different poems that I wrote since the end of August which are life lessons, comedy, child like, sexy, dark,suspense,relationships,stories ect. I am here to share with and to take you on a journey. Picture this as a poetry museum and I am your tour guide and I will let you hop in the time travel machine to switch back and fourth between my poetry(Warning do not eat before you hop in the time machine because you will vomit and I’m not giving your money back because I’m broke and I need it)
Pay The Fare Now Or Get Out!
Your Still Here Smart Move, Keep Hands In The Machine At All Times, Be Safe!
I’m genie and your Aladdin
and I will sure you a vision.
My poems are dream
and hop in this automatic time machine.
The Poetry Automatic time machine
But first allow me to introduce myself
and take you to show you
But sometimes it’s better to lie
and truth doesn’t always come to light
since we don’t what’s in
a person’s mind
Suicide thoughts are more common then you think. Most people will tell you don’t think about suicide but in order to relate and help those that are suicidal, you have to come down on their level and show them they are not alone, so hop in!
Always stay quiet because there are advantage to being under estimated, quiet like a mouse but if one’s in my house I’m am going to kill it, I despise rodents hop in!
I sure some of you have noticed I have been posting a lot blogs for the last 3 days. For the month of December I plan to go all out with my blogs and I will be posting a lot of rel – eatable content. Tomorrow I will post a poem “Suicide thoughts” and it’s a deep topic to discuss. Now please for those of you that don’t know me, please click this link Who Am I? . It’s an autobiography of me to learn more about me so you can understand this story. Also please, please read I Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 1) before reading this blog. I hope you all enjoy. This is a very, very long blog so I will understand if you get bored but I wanted to share my story because I know a lot of people been heart broken before and I like to break things down for you bloggers to picture what I went through. Also this is a very long blog, so if you don’t like reading long blogs you will get bored reading this.
April 2015
Next day is Sunday and I’m still thinking about the previous night. She text me “Good Morning” and I replied back but I wasn’t in the mood to communicate with her. Throughout the day she kept texting me and I just kept replying back but I wasn’t really feeling the vibe after what happened the previous night. After a while, she noticed that I wasn’t really in the mood so she asked me “Are you okay?” I replied back “I call you later” When she got off work, I called her and I asked “Do you still have feelings on me?” she was a little hesitant and said” On certain days I do, on certain days I’m not in the mood.” Now that I’m wiser looking back at it now, I should of just wished her luck and moved on, but you live and you learn. So anyway when she told me that, I asked her “Well what’s gonna happen between us in the future? She responded “I’m not sure” So I said “We can’t remain friends forever tho, either one day we will get back together or we will go our separate ways.” Now I don’t remember what her response was because this was like 3 years ago but I said what I said to her because I guess I was trying to put the pressure on her so she can really figure out what she wanna do. I felt like she got too comfortable with receiving relationship benefits on a friendship level. I also asked her over the phone why she didn’t want to kiss me and if she was uncomfortable and she told me “Oh no I was just tired and I wanted to go home.” I felt like she was bullshitting because even if you tired if you really into somebody even if your tired wouldn’t you still kiss that person?(just a question to think about)
May 2015
Fast forward to May, me and this girl still are communicating but probably like 2 or 3 times a week. At this point I’m focus because I started working 2 jobs so I was busy everyday. At this point I started talking to other girls to get my mind off my ex because at this point I didn’t know what was going to happen between me and her. My ex and I would text about 2 or 3 times a week. I won’t lie I still had feelings for her. Now back in April when we saw the fast furious movie I did tell her we were going to see Avengers age of Ultron in May but after I tried to kiss her and she slammed the car door on my face I was like fuck that (for those that don’t know what happened when we saw fast furious go back to the top of this blog and click on the link and read the 1st part). So it was the beginning of May and we texting back and fourth. I mentioned I couldn’t wait to see the avengers movie. She said when do you plan to see it” I said maybe this weekend”
then I asked her “Do you plan to see it?” She said ” I thought we planned on seeing it together but I guess you don’t feel like driving to queens.” Lol I played it off and said ” Lol my fault I forgot you know I’m a old man I forget simple shit”. She called me an old man. I didn’t forget, I was playing it off because you see, this girl barely kissed me, and we haven’t had sex in months. Now me and her are just friends at this point so I wasn’t really chasing the sex but at this point I’m like if she comfortable enough to hang out with me, comfortable enough to her allow to pick from work, I even gave her money twice(now this was my fault because I volunteered to do this) but whenever I try to make a move or bring up my feelings she goes cold. So now I’m like you know what, I ain’t going out my way for her no more unless she gives it up. So later when I was in school, we was texting back and fourth. Don’t remember how this started, but I said to her “You can’t say my name lol ” but we just joking. She said “Yes I can lol”. I said “You can’t say my name unless we having sex and I know you not trying to take it there” She put “Lmao but can still say your name”. I said “Lol why well are you going to have sex with me?” She said “No, but I can still say your name” I said “Alright fine, you can say my name while having sex with another guy” She said “No that would be very rude of me to say that” I said, ” Well it’s very rude for you to say my name”, I don’t remember her response but after I left class I gave her a call. I decided that either we get back together or I go my separate way. So called her and told that. I asked her if she wanted to work things out and get back together. She said she wasn’t sure so I told I will give you 2 weeks to think about it. The following week she got the nerve to ask me for a favor,something to do with her car. I made up an excuse though, I didn’t do it. Some other things happen during the month of May but I can’t remember everything because it’s been so long. This took place over two years ago.
June 2015
So now we fast forward to June. Both of our birthdays were in June. Between May and June we barely spoke. I was on the verge of just cutting her off. At this point, I still had feelings but I was starting to get use to not hearing from her. I felt like I started healing. I felt like I was getting stronger or at least I thought I was. So anyway it was the middle of June and it was her birthday. It was 9AM and I was contemplating on rather or not if I should text her “Happy Birthday”. So after 10 minutes of being in deep thought, I decided to text her “Happy Birthday” and she said “Thank you!”. From that day until June 22, we slowly started communicating here and there but not often. So now fast forward to about 4 or 5 days later this girl texted me ” You okay?”. Once in a blue moon she would text me this if we haven’t spoke in a while. So anyway, I texted her” I alright wbu?” So she “I’m good” I said” Is there anything you wanna talk about?” She said” Are you seeing new friend?” I said” New friend? do you mean if I’m dating somebody new?” She said “Yes!” I said “No, but why did you ask me that?” She said “No reason” I said” for real stop playing why you asked me that?” She said” I just want to see you found someone to replace me that’s all”. Now I don’t know why I said this looking back at this now but my response was” Nah, nobody would ever take your place”.
She responded” Aww ”
So she asked me” How is work coming along?”
I said “I’m just busy you know staying focus working two jobs?” She said ” That’s a lot, but if we was to get back together, how would you have the time?” I said”Good question, but I can make time.” Now I was just thinking to myself maybe she does want to get back together but I still was on my guard because I still didn’t trust her. I somewhat had feelings for her still, but I was healing little by little. So fast forward to June 22, she texted me ” How you doing?” I said” I’m good!” We was going back and fourth and she I told her that my supervisor was letting me leave work early. She said” Why?” I said “because it’s my birthday” She said “Omg I’m so sorry Happy Birthday!” I’m just like “lol thank you”. One minute later, she gave me a call and said she apologizes for forgetting my birthday then she said let’s hang out. I said I’ll let you know. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. So I asked a co-worker for advice. The co-worker said I should let her take me out for my birthday. So I took his advice(looking back now I should just went with my instincts instead of taking this advice)
July 2015
For those of you reading this, if you don’t like what your hearing and if you feel like this is a fucked story then I wouldn’t recommend reading the rest of this story because it does get worst. So now it’s July and I wanted go to a buffet. I picked her up and we went to the buffet. I swear I was not trying to make a move or anything I just wanted to be a simple date that’s all. So we at the buffet, and we are talking. She seemed really excited to see me. Around this time, I was listening to K love trying to change my ways and become more positive. So anyway, I can’t lie, my feelings started coming back, she seemed really excited to see me, plus she just got her license so I was excited for her. She wanted to register for college (now what I am about to say was so foolish, so stupid, so navie) and she owed the school 1000 dollars. I was working two jobs, I had money, plus I was listening K love radio station, so I was feeling positive and I felt like God was looking out for me. I love helping people so I offer to help her pay for college and I told her she only have to pay me half back by December. She really appreciated it. So after the buffet I was planning to take her home, but she said she wasn’t in a rush to go home. We decided to go to the mall to pass time. To my surprise, she started holding my hand while in the mall. Now that’s what got me because we haven’t done that in months. Now think about this, 3 weeks prior, she asked me if I was dating anybody else, if we got back together how would you have the time, and she started holding my hand, now wouldn’t this lead you on? So we head back to the car and I was feeling the moment and I tried kissing her. She started pulling back harder. So I’m thinking like alright she just playing hard to get. It’s been a while since like months since I got close with a female and I feel like this was a good opportunity. This time I didn’t care I was coming on to her. But when I got closer the second time, she said “I don’t want to get turned on , it’s been a month since I been turned on” I paused for a second because I’m like what the fuck that got to do with me and why you telling that. So I asked her “You had sex a month ago?” she said “Yes”. Let’s think about this, all along for months I made effort to show her that I care, I gave her money like twice, picked her up from work, went to church with her family, contacted her on a daily, never pressured her for sex up until this point, and she fucked someone else like wow. I was shocked because I let my guard down. In the back of my mind since April I had a feeling she was messing with another guy. I knew it and I tried my hardest to move on but she kept leading me on and I tried so hard to give her the benefit of the doubt. Now I can’t remember what my response was, but I drove her home in silence. I went home pissed of. For the men that’s reading this, I’m sure you can understand how I felt. So anyway she texted me “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to get you upset” I called her and told I think it’s best we don’t talk for a while. I couldn’t even go to sleep that night. Every day I kept thinking and thinking about this bullshit. I couldn’t focus at work , I couldn’t focus at school , I just kept replaying this shit in my head. I could not let it go. So I went to God and I prayed. I too realized that back in October I broke up with her through a text message and I will briefly explain that at the end of this blog. So I prayed and I talked to my mom and she started praying for me. After about a week , I decided to text and ask her why she did what she did?(I know I should of just left her alone) When you love somebody it’s very hard to move on. In fact, when the person you love breaks your heart, you blame yourself and that’s what I did. Now I can’t remember everything but since I was trying so hard to forgive her, praying to God still, I decided to forgive her and I texted whatever happened on my birthday let’s leave it in the past and just move on. Now at this point I wasn’t trying to get back with her anymore, but I thought at least we can be civil and move on. The reason why I blamed myself because sometimes I feel like I overthink a lot of things and I create situations and problems in my head worrying about every single thing and I was trying hard to change that at that time. So I figure maybe I’m just thinking too hard and I should just let this go. So anyway, after I texted her that, she told me thank you. So we started talking a little and I’m slowly letting go what happened then she got the nerve to text me ” You still going to lend me the money?” In my head I’m like you gotta be fucking serious. I’m like what the hell. I should of cursed her ass out. I responded “I don’t know I will think about”. I didn’t plan on lending her money. I thought about it and I asked myself, why should I lend her money?
Before I continue with the story, I will briefly explain something real quick so you can understand my though process at this time. I apologize for this long blog, but I am trying hard to break everything down so you can understand this. I am going to be completely honest and this is not easy for me to admit this but I think it’s important for you to know this. When me and this girl got together, this was my first relationship and I was inexperienced in all areas. I repeat, I was inexperienced in all areas. So we got together and I was embarrassed by my inexperience and I felt like I couldn’t keep her with her. I had problems staying hard. Truth was I never admitted to her, but I didn’t know how to put on a condom. So I couldn’t maintain an erection. I was extremely embarrassed. So I decided to go unprotected. Still couldn’t keep it up. This shit was in my head all throughout the day. Since I was inexperienced, I use to compare myself to other guys. I was felt like she was going to leave me because of that. I went to urologist and he gave me cialis and it worked for me. Since I didn’t know how to put on condoms, I just went unprotected. I got addicted to having sex unprotected and I hated condoms. So anyway there was guy she use to date before me and I thought she still had feelings for him while she was with me. Let’s just say because of my lack of experience was the reason why I felt like she still had feelings for the previous guy before I came into the picture. There’s a lot more to say but I feel like I probably already gave you guys a headache so I will leave it here.
So back where I left off with the story, I was thinking about lending her the money but then I thought to myself, what if the guy had sex with was a from the past? Next day, I texted and first thing I asked her was “If I lend you money, will you promise me to pay me back in December?” She said “Yes” Then I asked her ” Remember when you told me you had sex a month ago, was that guy you had sex with a new guy you just met or a guy from your past? She said” Someone from the past” When I heard that damn, I can’t describe how painful that felt. The reason why it felt painful because here I am, nice, respectful gentleman, doing everything in my power to be there for this girl and yet she fucking somebody from the past when she clearly tells me that all the guys from her past were trash. W got into an argument and she told me ” I don’t know why you making a big deal, it’s my life and I wasn’t even dating the guy, it was just a fling thing.” I wanted to punch her in the fucking face. I can’t lie, I went to the bathroom I called my mom and I was in tears.
This experience changed me. To this day I haven’t been back to church ever since. I stopped listening to K love, I lost respect for women. I was hurt for months until I went to the strip club and I just started paying for sex. Real talk. Believe it or not , the strip club was my healing factor and I was watching porn like crazy. What happened was strip clubs and porn desensitized my mind. I didn’t trust any girls. I only wanted strippers but I wore a condom though I didn’t smash a stripper raw, I ‘m not that crazy. I realize that strippers make bad decisions but they are friendly people that accept you for who you are. A few of them I was getting to know them and I realized that they have a lot potential to be great. Now some people judge strippers and think they are stupid hoes, let me tell you something, strippers make poor decisions but they are warm hearted people(most not all) trying to earn a living and even though they caught a lot of bodies, they will make sure their clients use to protection because they want to catch nothing. A lot of these girls out here getting pregnant fucking every nigga raw, they ain’t no better than the strippers. But eventually I did get bored with the strip club but it did help me though. As time move on, I started to talk to other females and I realized I had more in common with other females than my ex. I realized my ex wasn’t for me. This was all a learning experience and you know what, I thank her for breaking my heart. She taught me a lot and I forgive her now. If we was still together I would eventually been miserable. I accept myself for who I am and that I am just an over thinker. Not giving a fuck healed me. Now if I don’t get hard in the bedroom, I don’t give a fuck, if a girl gets upset and think I’m lame then go fuck another nigga it don’t bother me. I realized that being single was the best decision ever. Someone on twitter use to tweet everyday ” I’m glad that I can wake up and not get cheated on” lol I don’t know why but that’s funny to me. I started saying that lol. Now for women reading this, I know there are some good women out there I know,so I didn’t take my frustration out on all women but some of you are fucked up, just being honest. Another lesson I learn is you can’t always trust a christian that lives by the bible day in and day out(no offensive). Some Christians are good people so I’m not placing all Christians in this category, but be careful because some of them will hurt you in the worst. Some of them will just receive from you and will not give you anything in return. I respect church members and it’s a great honor to see them worship God but the one thing that use to annoy me with them was they are so nosy. Like they would always try everything in their power to try to get me involved in the church activities , they don’t accept no for an answer. For example, they say, “come to the Friday night service, you said you don’t work on Fridays you not doing nothing so come on down” it’s annoying when they do that because it’s like they trying to trap me into coming but all this does is push me away further and further. Like I said I wasn’t perfect because I broke up with my ex through a text message so I’m not trying to appear innocent. If you would like to hear more about why I broke up with my ex, through a text message and the events take took place then comment below. If you read this long blog from start to finish appreciate you because this took a lot of thinking to write this. I love relating to people that been heart broken because I know how it feels. I heard this in church once
“We all have gotten hurt by somebody and we all will hurt somebody”
I just wan to give a shout out to Whistlingbeautiful for giving me to the motivation to write this blog. I read her blog yesterday (click here)‘I’m not ready for a relationship’ – he says and it was very releatable and a eye opener and I enjoyed reading it.
Now about this question I am about to ask, think about the person who gave you the best sex ever from your past, now think about the person who gave you the worst sex ever from your past, think about the personality of the person that gave you the best sex, think about the personality of the person that gave you the worst sex ,for those of you that have siblings, if your younger sibling had to marry one your past lovers and it was your choice who would you pick for your younger sibling?
Have someone ever told you that, you have to let it go?
I’m talking about when someone hurt you, I’m talking about when someone broke your heart.
Have someone told you to try not to think about?
For all the people that been hurt before, when your hurt you are always going to remember the pain you will never forget it. But you not forgetting , teaches you the mistake that you made or the wrong someone has brought upon your heart helps you to avoid those same better mistakes. So I tell you this, it’s okay to think about the person that hurt you. It’s okay to miss the person that hurt you. You fighting your emotions, someone telling you to try and not think about someone or something will make you think about that person twice as much in which will make you naive and end up taking the person back which will open the little pieces of your heart to be broken in half once more. Now your heart went from being broken in half, to being broke in 4 pieces. Heart is getting smaller and smaller. Instead of trying not to think about it, let the emotions flow, let the negative thoughts occur and allow time and God to handle everything. Remember this, no matter how hard you have it, somebody always have it worst than you. So another words, go online and read stories on how people got their heartbroken and see if you can relate to people. You will hear some fucked up stories. Learning that somebody always got it worst will help you.
If you do decide to date right away after a bad breakup, please tell the partner you seeing that you are not completely over your ex and your are not sure if you are ready to step back in the dating world. I highly wouldn’t recommend having sex with anybody while your heart is broken because having sex with another person will make you want to have sex with your ex even more and more. This happens about 90 percent of time. The other 10 percent chance is you might use sex as your healing factor and think sex is the solution when sex is really just a temporary painkiller which will lead to bad decisions by getting attached quickly and becoming bind to the new person you are seeing or make you become promiscuous. Now as far as thinking about sex when your heartbroken, I honestly don’t know what to say to help you from stop thinking about sex from your ex or missing the sex from your ex or anybody else. Only thing I can say is just pray about it. There is no remedy that will heal your negative thoughts except prayer. I am going to repeat and write this in a bigger font
There is no remedy that will your negative thoughts except for prayer
Now if you do make the mistake and have sex with your ex, I guess just pray harder or try and look for a negative or consequences of having sex and remind yourself the devil is trying to lead you into sin. One thing you can do, no matter how good the sex is with your ex, there is always somebody better in that department. Just pray that one day you will meet a good man or woman with the right personality that loves you for you and bring spectacular sex to the table. Don’t let good sex interfere with your mind.
God loves all and want to protect us.
God want us to go to him to be forgiven for sin.
The devils’ job is to lead us into sin.
When the devil attacks he attacks in kindness leading you into temptation
It’s not easy to resist the Devil
More people will go to hell then heaven
Most of the people that will go to hell tried to resist the Devil but couldn’t
God is Love
Devil is the addiction/fatal attraction
Fornication is a sin. I never understood why for so many years but it’s starting to make sense to me. I’m going to preach to the women because I think women go through this situation more so than men but this is for men too. For the typical girl let’s say about 20 or 21, she wants to feel love, she wants the appreciation and the attention from a nice gentleman. Women don’t like being lonely. On average, women get approached daily. Mos of the guys that approach them well, let’s just say words can’t describe how unclassy most these men appear. Eventually she will come across a guy with a nice smile, a guy that’s the perfect height, a guy that dress nice. Overall he’s attractive. He approaches her with words that are poetic, respectful, and yet flirtatious and she loves every minute of it. Eventually he gets her number, and they talk some more. He ask her out, they converse in public and she is catching feelings and the feelings get deeper and deeper slowly. This is guy has a charm that no player can match. This girl feels lucky and maybe slightly horny but still nervous. He makes his move and his confidence is perfect and she feels lucky to deserve this. Now sex is not really on her mind much, but as he gets closer, she can’t resist him. She figure ah what the hell, I don’t know him that well but this guy is different so I will allow him to do whatever he wants with my body. Eventually clothes is coming off, and she is impressed with what she see’s when he is naked. I won’t get too graphic but he rocks her world like Michael Jackson. She now realize while they are cuddling ,she is in love. She goes home and she can’t stop thinking about the sex, feeling like on top of the world like Muhammad Ali. Now the guy goes home and brags to his homies how he just smashed another chick and how he got her sprung. In fact he probably will smash another chick. So as time moves forward, this young girl and the guy still hang out from time to time but the dates become less romantic. He not contacting like he use too. It becomes to the point that all they do is talk for a few, have sex and that’s it. If she’s lucky, he may spend the night but he still respectful to her and listens to her in person, but the phone call conversations, and text messages, well he is becoming rather distant. Eventually the more she has sex with him, the more she gets addicted. I’m talking about, she cuts class, lie to her parents, call out of work, buy him sneakers and durags, bake him brownies just to prove her worth to him to show him how much she loves him. So eventually she decides to she wants to introduce him to her family and friends but he doesn’t think it’s a good idea. She writes him a long paragraph explaining how she feels about him and want to take things to the next level. He says he is not ready for a relationship right now at the moment. He just broke her heart. She get confused and angry and ask all these type of question asking why this and why that. So that night she cries her self to sleep and promise herself she will move on. She does miss him, but she goes on an online dating app and eventually meets another guy. This guy is fairly attractive, respectful, not as charming as the other guy but he is straightforward and nice. They hang out for a few times. The 1st two or three times she is into him but after the third date, she compares this guy to the previous guy. She realize how much she misses the previous guy and starts to think about the sex. So eventually she makes the first move and invite the new guy over or it could be in a car and they have sex. She thinks having sex will replace the thoughts about the previous guy but all this this do is make her miss her ex even more and more. After having sex, this new guy opens up to her and tells her he wants to be with her. She just smiles and listen but deep down she is not really feeling it because the previous guy got her mind poisoned. Eventually out of no where the previous guy hits her up, she plays hard to get but eventually she ends up cheating on the good guy to have sex with the previous guy and the sex is the bomb. I miss you sex is the best and she realized she need to be with him. So end things with the guy to be with the previous guy. But things don’t get better they get worst. Either he gives her an STD or get her pregnant. You guys get the point, do you see how the Devil work?
Read this scripture
I consider that what we suffer at this present time cannot be compared at all with glory that is going to be revealed to us– Romans 8:18
I’m not the holiest person, I don’t go to church, I don’t pray everyday like I should, but I always believe God has a plan for everybody and God has helped me through hard times. Sometimes I do feel like people(myself included) use God because we usually pray when we are in life or death situation or will give God a weak thank you when we achieve something big. I do lust, I did fornicate, I did lie, I did steal(nothing serious), I am lazy but one thing is I am never arrogant and I am 95 percent willing to help people, I don’t get jealous and so don’t brag about my accomplishments and I pray to God in secret. So I thank God for my strengths and help me with my weakness. Nobody is perfect.
Also for those of you reading this, you don’t need to comment I just ask just to read this slowly that’s all, no comment needed. I will upload my second half of the story of how I got my heartbroken. Click hear to read the first half I Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 1)
No need to comment on this blog but you can comment on this question I am going to ask next
What’s a favorite blog of yours do you want me to read so I can check it out right now so I can read it?
Again no need comment on your opinion on my my blog but send me a link of a blog you want me to read in the comment section
Talent must be perfected
Practiced hard this week
plus learned so many lessons.
What was once complicated
is now simplistic.
Every goal is realistic
don’t leave your talent
from heaven stranded.
Nothing is perfect
Your goal you have
to work at it.
Marriage and being a parent
are the proudest accomplishments.
Jesus glimmers invisible light
us to follow.
It’s on us to receive the light.
I will accept the light
and hold on to it
with all of my might.
A torch to light
the dark cave.
Provide space
to keep us safe
from bats and bears.
With my powerful mind
I can mentally suppress
the bear
“The pain is what I can
bare 🤔”
I thought to myself
since the bear was hungry.
Bear was charging at me
ready to eat
my flesh
I was ready to accept death
but my soft skin
turned hard like brick.
Bear tried to chew
bit on the skin
so hard
made his tooth chipped
and became loose
Skin was more
than the bear could handle.
With God’s help
I am always able
to get through my fear
and I don’t need a spear
because God is more powerful
than a nuclear weapon.
I plan for heaven to
be my final destination.
Even though I’m tough
like nails
I fear God and hell.
