How I Really Feel And I Won’t Lie

To explain how I feel

don’t know where to start.

Friends and family are fake

but emotions are real.

So much bottle up inside

it’s making me ill.

But its’ time to tip over the bottle

and let it spill

and lay it out on the the table

To start expressing I don’t if I’m able

but I will try my best

and this is not a fable.

Well lets just say there is a thin line

between love and hate

and I cross over the line

back fourth like

I’m playing jump rope.

My emotions is not a dirty body

that could get washed away with soap.

I am starting to lose hope

Why I should I fight

When I can jump of the

Throng Neck bridge and Die

Why should I cry

I since don’t know how to

since I keep everything bottle up inside.

I hide whats inside to protect the outside.

Getting tired of being told what to do.

On mind two words on it is “Fuck You”

I rather be isolated.

The nice guy in me is slowly dying

Have to the mind set to commit a homicide.

Fuck it If I love you,I rather see you die

then ask forgiveness later

Build up with such much anger.

My mind is in danger

and its killing me slow like lung cancer.

I look in the mirror and ask myself

“Am I a murder?”

“Am I a serial Killer?”

“Will I be the black version of Adolf Hitler?”

I had a dream one time

that my soul went to hell.

So might as well give my soul to sell

I can be the devil’s ‘Michael’

one of arch demons.

Evil should be my focus

and I should spread it

and make it contagious

like farmers going through a famine

because of locusts.

When I try to do good I can’t stay focus.

Maybe evil is my calling.

Every baby aborted

I wish I could trade lives

with.World full of hypocrites

that are only kind for their own benefits

and I can’t stand it.

Relationships is rare like job benefits.

Nobody now hires full time

and this is how I view relationships

because people only want the benefits

but won’t make scarfices to commit full time.

I rather be lonely forever.

I though by the age of 28

I would be alone

but still stuck at home.

This right here is more than a poem

I needed to write this because

I am in the zone.

I can relate to all the sad songs

while writing this poem.

Held on things for so long.

I ready to release like ejaculation.

Fuck my concentration

I am almost starting to give up on praying

I won’t lie and be hypocrite

I do believe there is a God

but I gave up going on church a long time ago

“The one that invite you to church are the ones

that wanna see you in hell.”

The gate is wide

and the fake angels will smile wide

when they say hi

but deep down they despise

looking in your eyes.

I know this so I trust no one

Show love to no one

because love will get you killed

and hate you make you live.

“We eat more than we can shit.”

I ponder because I have two hands

juggling everything you can imagine.

It’s like I drink 10 glasses of water

but still dehydrating.

Does reading this sounds devastating?

Now how the fuck you think I feel?

This pain is real

This poem is selfish.

My feelings I choose to conceal but

I was told that was selfish.

I will say I am a talented poet

but that’s because I have hidden emotions

disguised as love which is really hate.

“I feel like Eve 

because I have been deceived

but so many serpents 

and yet I get punished 

suffering the consequences 

of other being persuasive.”

Have you been in debt 

or almost went to jail 

because of  somebody’s actions?

It’s a tragic and another life lesson

I learned at 23.

“There are criminals in society

and innocent ones in the penitentiary.”

Be naive will have serving a sentence 

for not using common sense.

I’m gonna reiterate and capitalized  this shit

“BE NAIVE WILL HAVE YOU SERVING A SENTENCE

FOR NOT USING COMMON SENSE.” – David Hocakday

‘Proud To Be An American”

Lmao yeah right

This country is fucking racists.

This is not a place for the poor.

Every year we struggle

more and more

since salaries

don’t keep up with the cost of living.

Am I better of in prison?

The meals are for free

The weights are for free

Besides there nothing on TV

thanks to social media.

I am satisfied with my jobs

but problem is I can’t afford a living 

with both my jobs.

I tired of asking money from my mom

I am almost 30 

yet I still feel like a 3 years old.

Do my parents have to hold my 

hand while  I cross the street.

Once funny 

is that I’m to the point I almost 

ready to give up and live on the street

since I love being lonely.

I only feel peace when I sleep

or when I masturbate when I’m horny.

I said line earlier that i am a talented poet

because of hidden emotions.

So my question is 

will have another poem left in me

after this get uploaded?

 

I will upload a part 2 and maybe a part 3 sometime this week

Where Have You Been?

I normally write thought provoking poems but his is one of my more painful and darker poems. Before you read, if you are curious to know more about me, click on this link Who Am I?

Shit felt like yesterday when I was looking for you.
Alot of painful thoughts, late nights praying to you.
I was going thru scriptures in the bible trying to find answers.
A non-response from you left me drowning in deep water.
Now three years later, I now understand what it feels like
Overthinking during the sleepless nights and you was teaching me to hang tight.
Inexperience had me at a disadvantage, almost felt worthless when got my heart broken.
So instead of praying, I looked at every woman as a enemy.
I hated bitches and though they wasn’t shit and was only worth dick.
I had the wrong type of thinking, at first I tried praying to you but you wasn’t listening.
Your distance has me wanting to seek revenge
so paying for sex was my healing.
The orgasm was addictive even to this day I still need healing from masturbating.
The more I kept praying, the more I kept overeating.
My heart was like engine that was overheating.
It stopped beating and operating.
It was broken and dead and I held a grudge against you.

Why did you abandoned me when she destroyed me?
Why did you allow her to?
Everytime I look in the mirror I cried tears of pain?
I was really starting to hate you?
You said to cast our my anxiety since you care for me
but you left me drowning in the pool.

I made plenty of mistakes but my heart was in the right place.
Needed help since I experienced love a little late.
I prayed for the right path, but I fell in love at the wrong time and place.
Before I knew, I wasn’t doing things that I shouldn’t.
My only concern was to obtain a proper ejaculation even if it was premature.
Lack of erections had me feeling like a politician losing the election.
A gentleman but yet felt like a loser.
Got tired of this feeling, so went to the doctor
for Viagra.
Felt good to satisfy her needs, but dependent on a pill and I was only 24?
I blamed myself and hated myself.
I had thoughts wondering if I was corny?
I had thoughts wondering should I be lonely?
I had alot of potential in my personality
but you made me antisocial.
I feared being laughed so till this day
still don’t know how to be sociable.
Every time I think about it made me sick.
I was ashamed of my dick.
I fought this battle alone
and you didn’t defend me.
The klove songs no longer lifted me
It made me empty.
Strippers were the remedy.
I just wanted easy women and hated wome
that were classy.
But this wasn’t the proper thinking.
I looked up to but then I started to hate you like an enemy.
Because of the summer of 2015 was my worst memory.
I think bitches are the enemy.
I became a selfish because I don’t care to satisfy a bitch needs.
Now I’m quick to tell a bitch to cheat
if my dick can’t stay hard
I dom’t give a fuck.

Why did you abandoned me when she destroyed me?
Why did you allow her to?
Everytime I look in the mirror I cried tears of pain?
I was really starting to hate you?
You said to cast our my anxiety since you care for me
but you left me drowning in the pool

To get the Full Story please read I Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 1) and I Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 2) This is a very long blog personal blog

The Fire In My Eye

The fire in my eye
since they failed to comply
so its them I despise.
A monster in me
was created inside
The rage in me arrives
like a UPS package
at the side door.
Broken heart
and constant disspaointments
made me abhor
the flesh of them created by God.
Revenge is how I respond
Loyalty is pushed to the side
when the price is right.
Life is suicide
because the mind is running
back and fourth
training and pacing
while the heart is rapidly beating.
Thoughts is sprinting
due to overthinking
which lead to headaches
so revenge becomes the apsrin
to prevent overthinking
and now I’m overreacting.
Revenge seeking is my mission.
Fire in my eye burns
if you look close enough
it will make your stomach
twist in knots.
Pain inside me burns
like rubbing alcohol
on a wound
from a pocket knife.
All I know is somebody gotta die
and it’s not me

Friendzoned

Trapped in that territory
Helpless in the face of destiny
No escape out the burning building
Heart on fire and it keeps on burning
Accept that lost
Knowing that you was so close
Like a second place loser
Its okay because at least she love you like a brother

Can We Truly Get Rid Of Our Demons?

I sleep in peace

and wake up to the nightmare.

Always nervous and scared

While comparing my life to double dare.

The environment I cannot bare.

In the mirror I just stare

and pretend to be brave.

But I ‘m scared.

My luck is no where

and bad luck is everywhere.

Sometimes I just want to pull my hair out.

I no longer shed tears.

My balls is a waste of a pair.

I choose not to share

my deepest fears

since no one is near

to hear my fears.

In a world surrounded with snipers

and I am the deer.

Sometimes I dare

to let God to let me

live another day.

I wake up miserable and ashamed

Doesn’t the lord see the pain in my face?

I’m held back since I am part of the African American race.

I keep quiet so I don’t sound like I’m making excuses to some.

But being poor plus misery together,

just add the sum.

So miserable I become numb.

No matter how many scriptures I read,

I will always feel senseless.

The more I pray, the more

I feel like it’s meaningless.

Trust is pointless.

I was born a sinner

so I choose to be devious

because what’s healthy for us

seems to be tedious.

Life is supposed to be gorgeous

but I find it hideous.

How can I be cautious

when I haven’t slayed my demons?

The nightmare of living

and I wish I was dreaming.

My heart is in prison

serving a life sentence.

My mind is in hell burning

like the soul of Stalin.

Life is lonely when dick ridding

is something your constantly refusing.

Social media is the devils technology

and it’s an addiction

Instead of family,

social media become our guardians

guiding us in the wrong direction

like a broken compass.

Love and social media

have one thing in common.

The blindness of each of them

is contagious, harming generations.

Decision made of off emotions

Instead of logic.

Toxic like drunk driving.

We follow with our hearts,

but leave our brain behind

to get caught up in a bind.

Common problem is communication.

Basic skills like talking and listening

we learn in kindergarten

is forgotten.

Greed and ignorance is recurrent

leading sinners to sin

instead of asking forgiveness.

The more technology advances,

the diminish of communication

becomes more prominent.

Life becomes faster paced

and we struggle to keep up.

We are forced to be robots

In life and the program we follow is unpredictable.

So can we blame hypocrites for being hypocritical?

Technology increase the ignorance

but in reality ignorance always been existent.

This type of living is ancient,

Youtube and WorldStar

just made the ignorance

more prominent.

Life is violent now and it was violent back then.

The devil is our best customer

and demons behind him march

like American soldiers.

We pricing scanning our souls

when the price is right.

Desperate for a better life,

So we close the good book

for a better outside look.

Looks do fade,

and our bodies go out of business

because the devil found somebody else

to implicate in sin

since he already fooled you.

Now have you serving a life sentence,

now your soul burning.

Money causes a fire that can’t be

sprayed with extinguisher.

Money is the root

Jealously and hate is the stem

Bullets and HIV is the

and the dead body is the flower.

Demonstration of being a slave

to the devils power.

Power conquers

by using divide and conqueror.

So many people are modern day

Julius Caesars.

Men and women blame each other,

exposing each other on social media.

“Men are Trash”, “These Hoes Ain’t loyal”.

Children of God are so spoiled

and we are all disloyal.

Blaming each other on Social Media

Instead of helping each other.

The followers don’t care about your problems

they just entertaining your drama

and this is why I fear of having a daughter

because when years pass by it’s gonna get worst.

We as humans are overworked
Tired to the bone.
Stressed out for feeling alone.
Thoughts deep
like the voice of baritones.
Life is long but yet its short.
Time move slow when your bored
and alone.

But move fast when your under pressure
like a single father with 4 daughters.
I ask lord to forgive me for my sins
I’m devastated.
Lonely nights, so me and my hand got acquainted.
Drinking alcohol to subdue the pain until I fainted.
I look in the mirror and I ain’t shave in a minute.
My beard 6 inches long, I look wasted.
Time is precious
but I ain’t been happy in a minute.
Asking for forgiveness is complicated
because I ain’t forgive myself.
Upset like criminal
because parents refuse to post bail.
Anger consumes me and it’s an unconquerable
enemy.
Rage increases while drinking the Hennessy.
Road rage
and hallucinating like my weed was laced.
In a different time zone.
In a different space.
Cutting myself across the face
and watch the blood leak
in the drain.

Situations were too difficult to bare.
Got a mark that stretch from the chin to my hair.
Lost myself in the process
I’m searching for my soul
but I can’t find it.
I give up
I’m exhausted.
I remain soulless.
Full of shit like a toilet.
My life wasted like abortions.
I have a price tag on my body
and for the right price
I give you permission to take
my life.

Life is not a race

but I’m made fun of

for not finding my space.

A select few can relate.

My shoes tied

but still falling flat on my face.

Most problems on our own we create

but for heaven sake

bad luck is what I taste.

I wonder if my life was a mistake.

I tried for years to play it safe.

In dreams we hide from monsters

in real life the monsters are in hiding places

with the best disguises.

World full of surprises and I know this

so I always expect the unexpected

like erections in the wrong places

hoping nobody notice

but somebody is always watching.

Scheming, looking for a weakness

and bullies find this amusing.

So I’m paranoid

My heart is void

like the earth before it was created.

A monster inside me is the creation

To my devious patterns

of sinning.

A thin line between good and evil

and caught up right in the middle.

The good ones are constantly belittled.

For every problem solved,

always a more difficult riddle.

So I give up and cross the over to evil

And it was simple

Like crossing the street at midnight

and now inside of me.

The Pleasure In My Dark Soul

Pay attention
From the heart and soul
I wrote this,
and this poem
by far is the deepest.
Relationship is a test.
A heartbreak is the lesson.
Body needs rest.
Mind has questions.
Heart split into pieces
and each piece
scattered like roaches
in the kitchen
when the lights come one.
Was you prepared for
this lesson on the day
you was born?
I say about 40% of you
reading this are probably
still heartbroken.
Pain we don’t choose
but yet how the fuck
do we accept it?
Ever wonder what was
go through Toni Braxton’s
mind when she wrote
“Breath Again” or
“Another Sad Song”
or Marry J Blige
when she wrote
“I’m going down”.
It’s all a trend.
When you get a chance
give these songs a listen.
What it feels like
to be heartbroken? Broken like egg shells
and going through withdrawals.
Trapped underwater
and it felt like forever.
I couldn’t hold my breath any longer.
Still drowning but occasionally resurface
to be pushed further
into heartache.
A responsibility evaded
will make a dream faded
like a college kid being
told “You ain’t Michael Jordan
so become a janitor”.
It’s like telling your great-grandmother
your too old for romance.
Criticism is constant
and people blame and say
you were being stupid
and get over it.
Those same people are
the biggest hypocrites
when they suffering life problems
because they will call you and
expect you to listen.
It’s a division
between your
mind and heart,
making you bewildered
like figuring out where to
start
when cleaning a messy room.
Pain is intense
like a woman wearing
too much perfume.
Bride and groom
is part of God’s Plan
am I right?
Why is something that is very precious
such a tough fight
like a baby is teething and you trying
to put the baby to sleep at night.
How much is a diamond worth?
What’s more precious,
jewelry or a child’s birth?
Cash corrupts loyalty
and expose greed and jealously.
Misery makes me overwhelmed.
All the shit I been through.
Stress sticking to my mind like glue.
I need relaxation
like a couple on a cruise.
Like soup,
I need something that heals
since stress is like a toxic person
right behind me on my heels.
Life is real and it kills
like cancer.
Stress moves around
like a dancer?
Am I in danger?
I feel like Simba
during the stampede.
My heart breaks
and for years it bleeds
like a girl on her period.
Stress rushes me like
adrenaline.
Ain’t nothing different.
Every day same shit
until death takes me home.
To me pain is historic
like a Maya Angelou poem.
In a world full of thieves
and loyalty made me naive
and oblivious to disloyalty.
Loyalty pushed to the side
like a chick
that’s only purpose to
satisfy’s a niggas dick.
Money and pussy
bullies loyalty
until it no longer has meaning.
An abuse kid with scar and bruises
from beatings
is a mental feeling
when your a slave to loyalty.
So broken
need more flowers
than fried chicken
and place them in the kitchen.
I’m my own hero to the rescue
and I need rest too.
Like A McDonald’s public restroom,
the heart is vacant
and I plan find a way
to keep it occupied.
Reminding myself that my heart scraed
and I should no longer be terrified.
But all I do is tell myself lies.
A heavy load like a man without
ejaculation.
For four weeks,
carrying boulders on my shoulders
for weeks.
Was told complaining was for the weak.
I believe I won’t last long like a man
not having sex in weeks.
Face is wet like pussy
and body is sick and infected
from eating raw meat.
Sleepy,but still writing
because this poem
was calling me.
Words and sentences blending
with a unique style of rhyming.
Lightbulb over my head.
A good feeling like getting some head,
Sparking a light,
so my poem can shine
which excites like a family
welcoming a new-born baby.
But yet, I am here
fighting off habits that are shady.
Gossip and laziness, I’m trying to
detach from my vocabulary.
This poem has mixed feelings
and restore like dental fillings.
Being broken will turn me loose
like a screw or a baby tooth.
“They say heartbreak is short distance
but it feels like long distance
Around the corner
but a week we converse
only a few minutes.
Decrease in the amount of time we spend.
I pretend that I have strength
until the length of me without you extends.
I can’t no longer be more than a friend.”
This is what I think to myself
wishing I was the one that broke your heart
instead of you breaking mine.
Sometimes the thing we humans
hate most is time.
It’s short and never stop
and we struggle to keep up.
So now reaction to my depression
lead me on the roof of a building
Is suicide the objective?
Good question
On a mission like America soldiers
seeking weapons of mass destruction.
I am insatiable for declining
to treasure the rainbow.
Life hard like erections
sometimes I wonder If
Death > > depression?
Phone becomes dry like a desert
and it get worst since you thirst.
Only hear notifications when an email arises,
just waiting for a call or text message
and yet receive nothing.
Do I feel abandoned?
I began to question
Lack of attention is the center
of my attention.
Heartbreak will make you different.
Instead of committing suicide,
I pretend I’m immortal.
I can be untouchable.
Every girl I talk to,
I smile in her face
but my mind says fuck you.
Turn into a player
and break hearts and crumble
them like potato chips.
I don’t give a shit.
Fuck human nature
because it’s too much pressure
wanting to be accepted and liked.
Be making you confused about your identity
like a transvestite.
Fuck a wife and worry about my life
is my motto.
Self-confidence will shoot through the roof
faster than I ever imagined.
I play my strengths to their weakness
like Eve in the Garden
manipulated by the serpent.
A serpent or demon
whatever you wanna call it,
I’m still a savage.
Poison disguised as medicine.
Prince charming
with a soul of a demon.
Fuck forgiveness,
revenge is the mission
through divine intoxication.
Logic or emotion.
Thinking of drinking love potion
while trying to stay focus.
Different choices
determines the outcome of a situation.
An immediate reaction
lead to decisions or using mindful
techniques to determine my destiny.
But still Feeling blue like the child
of Beyoncé.
I’m going “Halfway crazy”
Like Musiq.
Practicing baptism by affusion
Is similar feeling after I got my heartbroken.
I am now born again.

Please read Suicidal Thoughts/In Case Tomorrow Not Promised as well and that is another very deep poem that I may plan to read at an open mic.

1) How relatable is this poem to you?

2) What was your favorite line in this poem?

3) What was the darkest line in this poem?

4) By reading this poem, what was going through your mind?

5) One question that has nothing to do with this poem but summarize in a sentence on how are you different from other bloggers!

Also please listen to “Another Sad Song”, “Breathe Again” by Toni Braxton

Image result for Another sad song toni braxton

Listen to “I’m going down” by Mary J blige

Image result for mary j blige I'm goin down

Listen to “Halfway Crazy” by Musiq.

Image result for musiq half crazy

How do you feel about gossip?

2 Corinthians 12:20

“For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder.”

The first poem explains how gossip can destroy your career. Remember it’s all business

No Soul On Ice

When it’s below freezing
in their hearts
by any means necessary
make each day hard
Slowly destroying
and taking
credit for everything
you got.
Judgmental views
and they leave clues
and the words chew
your powerful tool.
I’m talking about
your mind
when in a political bind.
Your intellect is insulted,
heart is assaulted.
Though they don’t
seem belligerent,
will be quick to attack
you with kindness.
Are you confused
or blinded?
A hero they impersonate
but they are really snakes
act fake.
Contaminate, spike, and lace
the fluid
you need in order to live.
Leave you leaking
like oil from an engine.
Slowly dying
as you crying
begging for forgivness.
A hockey ring
with no hockey players
is symbolic and resides
deep inside
the liver.
Every organ inside shivers
like the homeless man
in winter.
Change color
like teeth
when you don’t brush them.
from bright white
to dark yellow
is the description
of your fellow
classmates and co-workers
as you complain
to your scoial worker
about the abuse and treatment
you receiving.
She speaks with a voice soft
that’s soothing.
Tell you the rights thing
she has your attention
and you are listening.
You are complaining
about a racist
Mention his name
Social worker hear this
and seems sympathetic.
She hugs you
makes you comfortable
Tells you
she looks forward
to seeing you next week
but in this world
trust in weak.
She has a fling thing
with the social service director
and he is related
to the racist
you were describing
You mentioned the racist name
and she passes the information
so she can get promotion.
Destruction because of corruption
and you don’t know it
You was betrayed by a deceiving
woman
who told you
everything you say
is confidential.
Promises are always broken
when someone is addicted
to attention.
The only mentor
you had
turns her back
on loyalty
for money.
A mixture of serpents
and Judas
Such a bad combination
Your life now headed for destruction
and you don’t even know it.
Social service director
has connections
to destroy your future forever
A soon to be lesson you
will remember
The temperture of the heart
of most
is a hockey ring without
hockey players
No Soul on Ice

This next poem explains on how to watch out for people that gossip because that ones that gossip are usually your enemies pretending to be your friend.

Play The Snake Close

So crafty and set
in their ways.
Play games and
cause pain.
Big smile across
the face
as they surround
negativity around
your space.
Attack behind your
back
and kill you with kindness.
With you they pretend
to laugh
but they laughing at you.
Can’t keep tounges
in their mouth
and you is all
they gossip about.
Snakes in church
accept blessings
but corrupted at work
by abusing power
making employees lives
harder
getting hardworking people
fired.
Snakes preach
forgive and forget
as a tatic
to avoid static
when they see a threat
so they rather
attack a rabbit
and that’s their habit
weak is their addiction,
that they poison, corrupt
and devour
because snakes are cowards.
You ever seen a snake
attack a hawk?
A hawk is the threat
that won’t be lead to
death
and they see everything
from right and left
Become the hawk
that play the snake close

Does Rumors Override Facts?

Believe what you hear, believe what you see but yet you don’t look in the glass.
You state you listen before you speak, but still gossip about someone’s past.
Why be the road bump to someone’s path,
decreasing a person’s reputation on the bar graph?
You may face karma for taking adavantage of the popularity your given
and exposing the negative attention that someone else is receiving.
Even if the truth is accurate, his business is his business
even if you was a eye witness.
but in this case you wasn’t and I’m starting to think are you jealous to believe something
when you wasn’t there from the beginning.
Secondary info carries more weight that
the primary facts
when the secondary info is heavy like a wooden baseball bat
and primary facts holds no weight like a empty scale.
This jealously of yours may trap you like a whale and karma is the harpoon.
Problem is popularity overrides the truth
Gossip is a huge problem. Two most common places I believe people gossip the most at school, work and church, but why does gossip happens? Comment below and explain briefly why you think people like to gossip?

Do you think people would still gossip if jeasouly in people hearts did not exist?

Do quiet people gossip the most(remember they say quiet people are the ones you have to watch)?

Listen to No Soul On Ice by David Hockaday #np on #SoundCloud

Listen to Play The Snake close/Does Rumors Override Facts by David Hockaday #np on #SoundCloud

If you want to listen to me recite the poems I wrote, please use the web browser to search these links if you have sound cloud. Please comment below if you was able to play the video. If you wasn’t I apologize ahead of time and I will fix this shortly

Do you tend to hold a grudge or to forgive and forget?

“When you hold a grudge, you want someone else’s sorrow to reflect your level of hurt but the two rarely meet.” – Steve Maraboli

The quote above inspired me to write this poem

Holding a grudge
because feeling like
you need crutches
for being hurt.
People will make you feel
lower than dirt.
Thinking of the memory,
intertwined with tight body
sensations
will be an emotional feeling
and a vibration goes beyond the body.
Like Michael Jackson
remeber the time,
but not when you fell in love
but when your fell in love
with pain and torment.
Mass destruction
becuase individuals are destructive
tossing bombs at you
like your a target.
Now have to go thru a healing process.
Healing process is like boot camp
and doing agility and speed drills
tripping over tires
and the mud on the grass is damp.
We rather be clean
but why does it take so long
to shower off the mud?
We hold on to the sludge
attached to our body
and we blame
the person that pushed
us in the mud.
We hold a grudge
becuase instead of showering
we stay covered in slime
and sludge
for attention
for other to witness.
These are our lowest moments
because we think we receive
sympathy
but in reality
nobody gives a fuck.
Caring what other think
about you
will have you holding grudges
when every time you get offended
or stuck in fetal position
in the corner of your room
crying.
Hardest thing to accomplish
is learning the art of forgiving.

 

Letting the past go isn’t always easy
Your past is your own personal history 
A history textbook in  which can be access by using your memory
The past can be moments of happiness or moments of misery

There is always something that reminds us of the past
Use the 5 senses 
Sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell
You see something that reminds you of the past
You hear something that reminds you of the past
You touch something that reminds you of the past
You smell something that reminds you of the past

Life of living in the past is a fatal addiction
Makes you worry  like a crazy maniac which leads to a life of unsatisfication

Your mind is your greatest weapon when it comes to surviving

In order to live in this cold world, remember the statement I wrote above if you want to live in peace and satisfaction

Even though the past is not fiction, learn to let it go because you not focusing on what’s really important
Which is the present
In reality you living in the present
No matter how painful the the past, you can always make your future brighter by focusing on the present
Someone once told me if God creates the past and the future, why worry about it.

This is only dedicated to one person.
Can you tell me who this person is?
Not only I want you to think about it, I want you to answer it?
I wrote this on November 7 2014
At 7:00 AM

Comment below and explain why do we hold grudges for so long?

My Wife’s Best Friend(Sex Poem)

Maid of honor at my wedding
and godmother of my daughter.
One night things got freaky.
Do I feel feel guilty?
I couldn’t resist,
she was too sexy.
One night I received a
phone call.
It was her,
wasn’t expecting it
at all.
She was my wife’s
best friend since
kindergarten.
5ft 5, caramel complexion,
Curvy back and the arch
on her back would lead
any man to erection.
Built like a sex goddess
more gorgeous than
Athena
and for a long time I
wanted to insert my penis
in her.
Curious as I was
I picked up the phone
and heard a dial tone.
2 mins later she called
again
and I answered
She ask to speak with my
wife
but my wife wasn’t home.
I was more concerned
because she was crying
on the phone
I asked her what was wrong
She told me
her ex fiance
dies in a plane crash.
That moment I felt
so bad and sad.
I felt her emotions
More than likely
she was lonely
so I decided to check
on her in person.
Soon as I
walked in,
she was on the
couch weeping
Tears were falling.
Barely able to speak
trying to explain
to me.
She was 4 weeks pregnant.
I put her face on my shoulder
and she cried for about
an hour.
Boy was I uncomfortable
for that whole hour,
but she was vulnerable
So comforting her
was something I
had to do.
I cradle her like a baby
and wiped away her tears
and I started smelling
her hair.
It smelled nice.
She began to look at me
and slightly smile.
What she did next was foul
She took my fingers in her mouth
and began to suck on them.
It felt good, I started to grin
Almost committed a sin
when she try to guide
my hands on her tits.
I felt them for 3 seconds
then pulled back
I started to get tense and resist.
I told her that I couldn’t go
through with this.
I stood up and headed
to the front door.
She followed right behind me.
From behind she grabbed my dick
through my jeans.
Her small hands on my dick
felt so good
I got hard instantly.
She told me to stay for a while.
I mean my wife was miles
away.
Besides she told me
she had a condom
up stairs anyway
and she was wearing tight
shorts by the way.
Got the type of sex
appeal to turn a gay man
straight.
I could no longer resist.
I took both my hands
and grabbed her fat ass
while she unzip my zipper
and began stroking my dick
We started to tongue kiss.
I lifted her up by her ass
and took her upstairs.
Took off all my gear.
My dick was fully hard
She was amazed, and called
me a monster.
She began sucking on
my monster.
She started off slow
but gradually went harder.
My wife never sucked me
like this.
To be honest sex with my
wife lately was shitty.
She could barely handle me.
With my wife I have to do everything
gently,
but her best friend
suck dick like she need a favor
and it was an emergency.
Seconds later I am shooting
my big load
down her throat
and she gulped
every last drop
and my dick was still hard.
I wanted to fuck the shit
out of her box
condom or not
It was worth being wreckless
this moment
She spread her legs wide open.
I lifted her light body up,
and eased her down on
my dick.
She riding this dick,
while bitting her lips.
I pinned her against the wall
and insert my penis behind her
and grabbed her hair.
She screaming “yes daddy
fucked this tight pussy
and shoot your big load
inside of me”.
Immediately my dick double
in size and I started shooting
a gallon
inside of her.
I stretched her tight pussy
you would have thought
she gave birth.
Suddenly a knock on the door.
She looked through the peephole
and it was her dead fiance sister at the door.
If you was in this position, what would you do?
If you was in the husband’s situation, would you be able to resist?

I Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 2) This is a very long blog personal blog

I sure some of you have noticed  I have been posting a lot blogs for the last 3 days. For the month of December I plan to go all out with my blogs and I will be posting a lot of rel – eatable  content. Tomorrow  I will post a poem “Suicide thoughts” and it’s a deep topic to discuss. Now please for those of you that don’t know me, please click this link Who Am I? . It’s an autobiography of me to learn more about me so you can understand this story. Also please, please read I Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 1) before reading this blog. I hope you all enjoy.  This is a very, very long blog so I will understand if you get bored but I wanted to share my story because I know a lot of people been heart broken before and I like to break things down for you bloggers to picture what I went through. Also this is a very long blog, so if you don’t like reading long blogs you will get bored reading this.

April 2015

Next day is Sunday and I’m still thinking about the previous night. She text me “Good Morning” and I replied back but I wasn’t in the mood to communicate with her. Throughout the day she kept texting me and I just kept replying back but I wasn’t really feeling the vibe after what happened the previous night. After a while, she noticed that I wasn’t really in the mood so she asked me “Are you okay?” I replied back “I call you later” When she got off work, I called her and I asked “Do you still have feelings on me?” she was a little hesitant and said” On certain days I do, on certain days I’m not in the mood.” Now that I’m wiser looking back at it now, I should of just wished her luck and moved on, but you live and you learn. So anyway when she told me that, I asked her “Well what’s gonna happen between us in the future? She responded “I’m not sure” So I said “We can’t remain friends forever tho, either one day we will get back together or we will go our separate ways.” Now I don’t remember what her response was because this was like 3 years ago but I said what I said to her because I guess I was trying to put the pressure on her so she can really figure out what she wanna do. I felt like she got too comfortable with receiving relationship benefits on a friendship level. I also asked her over the phone why she didn’t want to kiss me and if she was uncomfortable and she told me “Oh no I was just tired and I wanted to go home.” I felt like she was bullshitting because even if you tired if you really into somebody even if your tired wouldn’t you still kiss that person?(just a question to think about)

                                                                     May 2015

Fast forward to May, me and this girl still are communicating but probably like 2 or 3 times a week. At this point I’m focus because I started working 2 jobs so I was busy everyday. At this point I started talking to other girls to get my mind off my ex because at this point I didn’t know what was going to happen between me and her. My ex and I would text about 2 or 3 times a week. I won’t lie I still had feelings for her. Now back in April when we saw the fast furious movie I did tell her we were going to see Avengers age of Ultron in May but after I tried to kiss her and she slammed the car door on my face I was like fuck that (for those that don’t know what happened when we saw fast furious go back to the top of this blog and click on the link and read the 1st part). So it was the beginning of May and we texting back and fourth. I mentioned I couldn’t wait to see the avengers movie. She said when do you plan to see it” I said maybe this weekend”
then I asked her “Do you plan to see it?” She said ” I thought we planned on seeing it together but I guess you don’t feel like driving to queens.” Lol I played it off and said ” Lol my fault I forgot you know I’m a old man I forget simple shit”. She called me an old man. I didn’t forget, I was playing it off because you see, this girl barely kissed me, and we haven’t had sex in months. Now me and her are just friends at this point so I wasn’t really chasing the sex but at this point I’m like if she comfortable enough to hang out with me, comfortable enough to her allow to pick from work, I even gave her money twice(now this was my fault because I volunteered to do this) but whenever I try to make a move or bring up my feelings she goes cold. So now I’m like you know what, I ain’t going out my way for her no more unless she gives it up. So later when I was in school, we was texting back and  fourth. Don’t remember how this started, but I said to her “You can’t say my name lol ” but we just joking. She said “Yes I can lol”. I said “You can’t say my name unless we having sex and I know you not trying to take it there” She put “Lmao but can still say your name”. I said “Lol why well are you going to have sex with me?” She said “No, but I can still say your name” I said “Alright fine, you can say my name while having sex with another guy” She said “No that would be very rude of me to say that” I said, ” Well it’s very rude for you to say my name”, I don’t remember her response but after I left class I gave her a call. I decided that either we get back together or I go my separate way.  So called her and told that. I asked her if she wanted to work things out and get back together. She said she wasn’t sure so I told I will give you 2 weeks to think about it.  The following week she got the nerve to ask me for a favor,something to do with her car. I made up an excuse though, I didn’t do it. Some other things happen during the month of May but I can’t remember everything because it’s been so long. This took place over two years ago.

                                                                June 2015

So now we fast forward to June. Both of our birthdays were in June. Between May and June we barely spoke. I was on the verge of just cutting her off. At this point, I still had feelings but I was starting to get use to not hearing from her. I felt like I started healing. I felt like I was getting stronger or at least I thought I was. So anyway it was  the middle of June  and it was her birthday. It was 9AM and I was contemplating on rather or not if I should text her “Happy Birthday”. So after 10 minutes of being in deep thought, I decided to text her “Happy Birthday” and she said “Thank you!”. From that day until June 22, we slowly started communicating here and there but not often. So now fast forward to about 4 or 5 days later this girl texted me ” You okay?”. Once in a blue moon she would text me this if we haven’t spoke in a while. So anyway, I texted her” I alright wbu?” So she “I’m good” I said” Is there anything you wanna talk about?” She said” Are you seeing new friend?” I said” New friend? do you mean if  I’m dating somebody new?” She said “Yes!” I said “No, but why did you ask me that?” She said “No reason” I said” for real stop playing why you asked me that?” She said” I just want to see you found someone to replace me that’s all”. Now I  don’t know why I said this looking back at this now but my response was” Nah, nobody would ever take your place”.
She responded” Aww 😚😚
So she asked me” How is work coming along?”
I said “I’m just busy you know staying focus working two jobs?” She said ” That’s a lot, but if we was to get back together, how would you have the time?” I said”Good question, but I can make time.” Now I was just thinking to myself maybe she does want to get back together but I still was on my guard because I still didn’t trust her. I somewhat had feelings for her still, but I was healing little by little.  So fast forward to June 22, she texted me ” How you doing?” I said” I’m good!”  We was going back and fourth and she I told her that my supervisor was letting me leave work early. She said” Why?” I said “because it’s my birthday” She said “Omg I’m so sorry Happy Birthday!”  I’m just like “lol thank you”. One minute later, she gave me a call and said she apologizes for forgetting my birthday then she said let’s hang out. I said I’ll let you know. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. So  I asked a co-worker for advice. The co-worker said I should let her take me out for my birthday. So I took his advice(looking back now I should just went with my instincts instead of taking this advice)

                                                                   July 2015

For those of you reading this, if you don’t like what your hearing and if you feel like this is a fucked story then I wouldn’t recommend reading the rest of this story because it does get worst. So now it’s July and I wanted go to a buffet. I picked her up and we went to the buffet. I swear I was not trying to make a move or anything I just wanted to be a simple date that’s all. So we at the buffet, and we are talking. She seemed really excited to see me. Around this time, I was listening to K love trying to change my ways and become more positive. So anyway, I can’t lie, my feelings started coming back, she seemed really excited to see me, plus she just got her license so I was excited for her. She wanted to register for college (now what I am about to say was so foolish, so stupid, so navie) and she owed the school 1000 dollars.  I was working two jobs, I had money, plus I was listening K love radio station, so I was feeling positive and I felt like God was looking out for me. I love helping people so I offer to help her pay for college and I told her she only have to pay me half back by December. She really appreciated it. So after the buffet I was planning to take her home, but  she said she wasn’t in a rush to go home. We decided to go to the mall to pass time. To my surprise, she started holding my hand while in the mall. Now that’s what got me because we haven’t done that in months.  Now think about this, 3 weeks prior, she asked me if I was dating anybody else, if we got back together how would you have the time,  and she started holding my hand, now wouldn’t this lead you on?  So we head back to the car and I was feeling the moment and I tried kissing her. She started pulling back harder. So I’m thinking like alright she just playing hard to get. It’s been a while since like months since  I got close with a female and I feel like this was a good opportunity. This time I didn’t care I was coming on to her. But when I got closer the second time, she said “I  don’t want to get turned on , it’s been a month since I been turned on” I paused for a second because I’m like what the fuck that got to do with me and why you telling that. So I asked her “You had sex a month ago?”  she said “Yes”. Let’s think about this, all along for months I made effort to show her that I care, I gave her money like twice, picked her up from work, went to church with her family, contacted her on a daily, never pressured her for sex up until this point, and she fucked someone else like wow. I was shocked because I let my guard down. In the back of my mind since April I had a feeling she was messing with another guy. I knew it and I tried my hardest to move on but she kept leading me on and I tried so hard to give her the benefit of the doubt. Now I can’t remember what my response was, but I drove her home in silence. I went home pissed of. For the men that’s reading this, I’m sure you can understand how I felt.  So anyway she texted me “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to get you upset” I called her and told I think it’s best we don’t talk for a while.  I couldn’t even go to sleep that night. Every day I kept thinking and thinking about this bullshit. I couldn’t focus at work , I couldn’t focus at school , I just kept replaying this shit in my head. I could not let it go.  So I went to God and I prayed. I too realized  that back in October I broke up with her through a text message and I will briefly explain that at the end of this blog. So I prayed and I talked to my mom and she started praying for me. After about a week , I decided to text and ask her why she did what she did?(I know I should of just left her alone) When you love somebody it’s very hard to move on. In fact, when the person you love breaks your heart, you blame yourself and that’s what  I did. Now I can’t remember everything but since I was trying so hard to forgive her, praying to God still,  I decided to forgive her and I texted whatever happened on my birthday let’s leave it in the past and just move on. Now at this point I wasn’t trying to get back with her anymore, but I thought at least we can be civil and move on. The reason why I blamed myself because sometimes I feel like I overthink a lot of things and I create situations and problems  in my head worrying about every single thing and I was trying hard to change that at that time. So I figure maybe I’m just thinking too hard and I should just let this go. So anyway, after I texted her that, she told me thank you. So we started talking a little and I’m slowly letting go what happened then she got the nerve to text me ” You still going to lend me the money?” In my head I’m like you gotta be fucking serious. I’m like what the hell. I should of cursed her ass out. I responded “I don’t know I will think about”. I didn’t plan on lending her money. I thought about it and  I asked myself, why should I lend her money?

Before I continue with the story, I will briefly explain something real quick so you can understand my though process at this time. I apologize for this long blog, but I am trying hard to break everything down so you can understand this. I am going to be completely honest and this is not easy for me to admit this but I think it’s important for you to know this. When me and this girl got together, this was my first relationship and I was inexperienced in all areas. I repeat, I was inexperienced in all areas. So we got together and I was embarrassed by my inexperience and I felt like I couldn’t keep her with her. I had problems staying hard. Truth was I never admitted to her, but I didn’t know how to put on a condom. So I couldn’t maintain an erection. I was extremely embarrassed. So I decided to go unprotected. Still couldn’t keep it up. This shit was in my head all throughout the day. Since I was inexperienced, I use to compare myself to other guys. I was felt like she was going to leave me because of that.  I went to urologist and he gave me cialis and it worked for me. Since I didn’t know how to put on condoms, I just went unprotected. I got addicted to having sex unprotected and I hated condoms. So anyway there was guy she use to date before me and I thought she still had feelings for him while she was with me. Let’s just say because of my lack of experience was the reason why I felt like she still had feelings for the previous guy before I came into the picture. There’s a lot more to say but I feel like I probably already gave you guys a headache so I will leave it here.

 

So back where I left off with the story,  I was thinking about lending her the money but then I thought to myself, what if the guy had sex with was a from the past? Next day, I texted and first thing I asked her was “If I lend you money, will you promise me to pay me back in December?” She said “Yes” Then I asked her ” Remember when you told me you had sex a month ago, was that guy you had sex with a new guy you just met or a guy from your past?  She said” Someone from the past” When I heard that damn, I can’t describe how painful that felt.  The reason why it felt painful because here I am, nice, respectful gentleman, doing everything in my power to be there for this girl and yet she fucking somebody from the past when she clearly tells me that all the guys from her past were trash. W got into an argument and she told me ” I don’t know why you making a big deal, it’s my life and I wasn’t even dating the guy, it was just a fling thing.” I wanted to punch her in the fucking face.  I can’t lie, I went to the bathroom I called my mom and I was in tears.

 

 

This experience changed me. To this day I haven’t been back to church ever since. I stopped listening to K love, I lost respect for women. I was hurt for months until I went to the strip club and I just started paying for sex. Real talk. Believe it or not , the strip club was my healing factor and I was watching porn like crazy. What happened was strip clubs and porn desensitized my mind. I didn’t trust any girls. I only wanted strippers but I wore a condom though I didn’t smash a stripper raw, I ‘m not that crazy. I realize that strippers make bad decisions but they are friendly people that accept you for who you are. A few of them I was getting to know them and I realized that they have a lot potential to be great. Now some people judge strippers and think they are stupid hoes, let me tell you something, strippers make poor decisions but they are warm hearted people(most not all) trying to earn a living and even though they caught a lot of bodies, they will make sure their clients use to protection because they want to catch nothing. A lot of these girls out here getting pregnant fucking every nigga raw, they ain’t no better than the strippers. But eventually I did get bored with the strip club but it did help me though.  As time move on, I started to talk to other females and I realized I had more in common with other females than my ex.  I realized my ex wasn’t for me. This was all a learning experience and you know what, I thank her for breaking my heart. She taught me a lot and I forgive her now. If we was still together I would eventually been miserable. I accept myself for who I am and that I am just an over thinker. Not giving a fuck healed me. Now if I don’t get hard in the bedroom, I don’t give a fuck, if a girl gets upset and think I’m lame then go fuck another nigga it don’t bother me. I realized that being single was the best decision ever. Someone on twitter use to tweet everyday ” I’m glad that I can wake up and not get cheated on” lol I don’t know why but that’s funny to me. I started saying that lol. Now for women reading this, I know there are some good women out there I know,so I didn’t take my frustration out on all women but some of you are fucked up, just being honest. Another lesson I learn is you can’t always trust a christian that lives by the bible day in and day out(no offensive). Some Christians are good people so I’m not placing all Christians in this category, but be careful because some of them will hurt you in the worst. Some of them will just receive from you and will not give you anything in return. I respect church members and it’s a great honor to see them worship God but the one thing that use to annoy me with them was they are so nosy. Like they would always try everything in their power to  try to get me involved in the church activities , they don’t accept no for an answer. For example, they say, “come to the Friday night service, you said you don’t work on Fridays you not doing nothing so come on down” it’s annoying when they do that because it’s like they trying to trap me into coming but all this does is push me away further and further. Like I said I wasn’t perfect because I broke up with my ex through a text message so I’m not trying to appear innocent.  If you would like to hear more about why I broke up with my ex, through a text message and the events take took place then comment below. If you read this long blog from start to finish appreciate you because this took a lot of thinking to write this. I love relating to people that been heart broken because I know how it feels.   I heard this in church once

 

“We all have gotten hurt by somebody and we all will hurt somebody”