Before you read this, I highly recommend you read How I Really Feel And I Won’t Lie and How I Really Feel And I Won’t Lie(Part 2)first. I share my very personal thoughts in poetry format cut and dry and I don’t give a fuck. Through out this poem, I will have some sentences in bold in this poem because those are the quotes that are most powerful lessons that I learned.
The way I wrote this, I wrote this as if I was having a private conversation with a very close person in a confidential place, like in a pastors office or at a therapy session. So when reading this, picture this as if you are a pastor or therapist and after reading this or hearing this verbally, how would you respond?
I have a frightened look in my eyes,
so lord I ask you to be by my side.
It’s better to tell the truth than to lie.
I have a good heart
but I think about homicide and suicide.
Scared for my life and I’m weak
like an abused wife.
I don’t get beat, but at times,afraid to speak.
Absent minded is a weakness of mines.
I know improvement comes with time
but being criticized for years destroyed my spirit and pride.
Please show me the way to keep me safe.
When the way is available
I pray that I choose the right path to keep me safe.
Today all I know is that I have to pray
but how do I start?
Another weakness of mines
how do I finish what I start?
My mind is like
a hockey player skating on a hockey ring,
I am all over the place.
Can’t stay focus and I always had problems to concentrate
I never had interest in going back to church
but I would reconsider if I can find the right person to relate to,
to show me how to follow you and make the right moves.
To teach me to do not what always feels good
but do what is right.
I don’t know why but all I know is I fear for my life?
I haven’t cried in three years.
Maybe I should release the pain by shedding tears.
Sometimes I hate myself for not speaking up.
So many times I let things slide like a water ride.
Am I worthy to be a man?
What is it that I don’t understand?
I am curious to know what is your plan?
Will I die in happiness tomorrow
or live in misery for the rest of the century?
Will I accomplish more than my parents
Or will I die with nothing and go to hell
when people visit me in the cemetery?
Will I be a legend?
Will I be just a short term memory?
Will I be loved for eternally?
“Will I escape the weather when it rains?
Or will I stand still and accept the rain
and look above my head at the dark cloud?”
I was fortunate to have both parents
and yet so many doubts.
“Is it right to hate someone you love?
Another words, can you love and hate somebody
at the same time?”
It’s better to tell the truth than to lie,
so I am fuming on the inside.
“So stressed since over the years I’ve been criticize,
so I became addicted to free time.
All I wanna do is just being alone with my thoughts
and zone out but this is not healthy right?
Is this the reason why I am lazy?
Is it because I am addicted to free time?
I can write and write
about all the fucked things that happened to me
but what am I accomplishing in life
by complaining all the time?
I have lied at times but it was because I am addicted the free time.
I should be happy and free right?
Telling the truth is the right thing
but telling the truth make you regretful
when the result of it makes you miserable,
so is it better to lie than to tell the truth?
So see how I am addicted to free time?
For being criticized
and always doing things other people’s way
is why I rather isolate into my own space.
I keep my feelings inside
but it takes up space
in my head and when it is time
for me to handle my responsibilities,
I can’t concentrate.
Overthink shit every single day.”
They say be careful what you wish for.
Well for years I wished for peace
but instead I bleed
and the people that stabbed me
are usually the people I don’t see
so I learned that betrayal is beyond my reach.
So I isolate my self to protect myself.
I talk to myself.
Is this bad for my health?
Well you can answer that
but I don’t give a fuck about your opinion
if you think I’m not an ordinary civilian
when you haven’t walked years down the path I took.
“You ever had a bad dream and thought it was real
and you was thankful you woke up and it wasn’t real?
Well imagine it in reverse,
I sleep and dream about heaven and peace
and wake up to brimstone and fire
so another words my reality is a nightmare?”
I can relate to the average inmate on the tier.
Ever wondered how an inmate or homeless person sleep?
Imagine having a good dream
and waking up to living on the street or in prison.
Or imagine dreaming about endless sex
with beautiful women but wake up knowing you are a virgin?
“Now this don’t sound so unpleasant
and this pain sounds lenient
but we all view things different.”
To that virgin, it feels like
his dick is in prison
and he has to wait years to release his semen.
His wrist has limited movement
from being cuffed and his wrist hurts
from constantly jerking off.
“For those of reading this,
do you see how I am relating masturbating to prison?
It’s about guilt and this how I feel.
Guilty like a criminal and my guilt
has my mind and body in a cell.
So jerking off is my exercise and freedom
to release tension and the blood flow is increasing
like I ‘m pumping iron
and my arm is so sore
I could barely lift it.
See how I related masturbating to prison?”
Let me stop bragging and explain my flaws
through erectile dysfunction.
My mind couldn’t function.
It was a little over four years ago,
but felt like yesterday
when I couldn’t play with it my way.
When I say it, I’m talking about
It’s in front me but I didn’t have the tool to use it.
“As a child you ever had video games and toys in front
but wasn’t allowed to play with them
because you was on punishment?
Imagine that is this.
Felt like an unprepared student
always forgetting his pencil.
I had so much potential to be an excellent lover
but the pain was mental
and this is where I learned mental slavery
is worst than physical slavery.”
My mind is worn out
like the big bad wolf
when trying to blow the third little
pigs house down by huffing
Got tired of stressing
so went to the urologist
and got a sample of cialis.
Like nicotine, I got addicted to this
and raw vagina and cream pies felt
good like holding your urine for a hour straight
until you finally get home and then you start
like a new video game coming out for Christmas
and because of cialis, the cells in my seamen
was like the crowd rushing on Black Friday in the front doors
of Walmart at midnight.
But constant pregnancy scares had me fearing for my life.
This was another mental fight.
So lesson I learned was, one problem solved
can add on another when you take shortcuts
but I’m hardheaded and I don’t know if I give a fuck
about making the same mistakes.
But anyway I went off topic and let me get back to it.
For a while this was pain for me
for worrying what others think of me
and that’s the weakness in me.
But I had to find a way escape this mental pain
when she choose another guy over me ( read I Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 1) andI Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 2) This is a very long blog personal blog
for full story).
So I blamed and hated myself and blamed God for not
But it’s whatever
because I realized there is better
and I’m talking about better vagina.
I pushed my integrity out the window
and paid for professionals.
Fuck passion and romance
getting my dick sucked and rough sex
became my best friends.
and sex with average girls became overrated.
Instead of letting them judge me,
I decided to judge them
and thought women were worthless
and do I still feel this way, hmm I honestly don’t know?
My lack of sex skills had me despising black women
and I am going to be honest,
I was in my emotions
acting sensitive like a little bitch
but I reminded my self
that I was a man
and I’m suppose to think with logic
and this time period for me
was difficult like algebraic expressions
so I found a way to simplify it
by reminding myself sex is overrated
and reminding myself of that
defined my mentality
like I was looking up something
in a Websters dictionary.
I was told
“Love is a serious mental diseases?”
“So hate is my weapon to conquer my enemy
because being hateful is selfish
and selfish people usually have the biggest hearts
and been through the worst type of heart breaks.”
This was something I just learned yesterday.
I will be more selfish
tomorrow for hating my yesterday
and today I received a present
a got a small heart to fit in my body.
So I’m an writing this to present
my soul for you to witness.
I can write for so long
you would think I am immortal.
My thoughts are for free, they are affordable
like united healthcare
but in reality it’s worth more
than any coin or dollar.
Was told plenty of times
my poetry is deep and powerful
so I hope when you read this
I helped you witness a miracle.
Now I can’t turn water into wine
but maybe I can save you from
committing a crime
or exiting out of somebody’s life
over some fucked up shit
because don’t be like I.
I am here to change lives
like a inmate on beyond scare straight
but I doubt if I would,
before I die.
Fuck wishing to be a billionaire,
I would rather die broke tomorrow
if tonight I can save a life.
As you can see, I can write all day
and all night
like an inmate, have nothing but time.
But what happens after I finish telling my life experiences?
So my question is, will I have another poem left in me
and when my work is complete, should I take my
life story to recite to an open mic?
I still have more to write and I think I will get darker and deeper. I think one day in the distant future, I will recite this to a large crowd to save people from becoming like me.
So when you reading this an imaging that you are a pastor or therapist, how would you respond?(No need to answer this question but its is something think about or even discuss with somebody else you close with)
But I will leave three questions for you to answer in the comment section
After reading this, what are three words to describe this poem?
Can you get your heart broken if you are a selfish person?
While you were reading this, the statements I left in quotes, did you learn anything new or was everything relatable?
I am always willing to learn so is there anything you would like to share about his or if you have a view point about something that I mentioned, feel free to comment below
Also comment below if you have a good deep question for me to think about and I am willing to respond.