How I Really Feel And I Won’t Lie(Part 3)


Before you read this, I highly recommend you read How I Really Feel And I Won’t Lie and How I Really Feel And I Won’t Lie(Part 2)first. I share my very personal thoughts in poetry format cut and dry and I don’t give a fuck. Through out this poem, I will have some sentences in bold in this poem because those are the quotes that are most powerful lessons that I learned.

The way I wrote this, I wrote this as if I was having a private conversation with a very close person in a confidential place, like in a pastors office or at a therapy session. So when reading this, picture this as if you are a pastor or therapist and after reading this or hearing this verbally, how would you respond?

I have a frightened look in my eyes,

so lord I ask you to be by my side.

It’s better to tell the truth than to lie.

I have a good heart

but I think about homicide and suicide.

Scared for my life and I’m weak

like an abused wife.

I don’t get beat, but at times,afraid to speak.

Absent minded is a weakness of mines.

I know improvement comes with time

but being criticized for years destroyed my spirit and pride.

Please show me the way to keep me safe.

When the way is available

I pray that I choose the right path to keep me safe.

Today all I know is that I have to pray

but how do I start?

Another weakness of mines

how do I finish what I start?

My mind is like

a hockey player skating on a hockey ring,

I am all over the place.

Can’t stay focus and I always had problems to concentrate

on anything.

I never had interest in going back to church

but I would reconsider if I can find the right person to relate to,

to show me how to follow you and make the right moves.

To teach me to do not what always feels good

but do what is right.

I don’t know why but all I know is I fear for my life?

I haven’t cried in three years.

Maybe I should release the pain by shedding tears.

Sometimes I hate myself for not speaking up.

So many times I let things slide like a water ride.

Am I worthy to be a man?

What is it that I don’t understand?

I am curious to know what is your plan?

Will I die in happiness tomorrow

or live in misery for the rest of the century?

Will I accomplish more than my parents

Or will I die with nothing and go to hell

when people visit me in the cemetery?

Will I be a legend?

Will I be just a short term memory?

Will I be loved for eternally?

“Will I escape the weather when it rains?

Or will I stand still and accept the rain

and look above my head at the dark cloud?”

I was fortunate to have both parents

and yet so many doubts.

“Is it right to hate someone you love?

Another words, can you love and hate somebody

at the same time?”

It’s better to tell the truth than to lie,

so I am fuming on the inside.

“So stressed since over the years I’ve been criticize,

so I became addicted to free time.

All I wanna do is just being alone with my thoughts

and zone out but this is not healthy right?

Is this the reason why I am lazy?

Is it because I am addicted to free time?

I can write and write

about all the fucked things that happened to me

but what am I accomplishing in life

by complaining all the time?

I have lied at times but it was because I am addicted the free time.

I should be happy and free right?

Telling the truth is the right thing

but telling the truth make you regretful

when the result of it makes you miserable,

so is it better to lie than to tell the truth?

So see how I am addicted to free time?

For being criticized

and always doing things other people’s way

is why I rather isolate into my own space.

I keep my feelings inside

but it takes up space

in my head and when it is time

for me to handle my responsibilities,

I can’t concentrate.

Overthink shit every single day.”

They say be careful what you wish for.

Well for years I wished for peace

but instead I bleed

and the people that stabbed me

are usually the people I don’t see

so I learned that betrayal is beyond my reach.

So I isolate my self to protect myself.

I talk to myself.

Is this bad for my health?

Well you can answer that

but I don’t give a fuck about your opinion

if you think I’m not an ordinary civilian

when you haven’t walked years down the path I took.

“You ever had a bad dream and thought it was real

and you was thankful you woke up and it wasn’t real?

Well imagine it in reverse,

I sleep and dream about heaven and peace

and wake up to brimstone and fire

so another words my reality is a nightmare?”

I can relate to the average inmate on the tier.

Ever wondered how an inmate or homeless person sleep?

Imagine having a good dream

and waking up to living on the street or in prison.

Or imagine dreaming about endless sex

with beautiful women but wake up knowing you are a virgin?

“Now this don’t sound so unpleasant

and this pain sounds lenient

but we all view things different.”

To that virgin, it feels like

his dick is in prison

and he has to wait years to release his semen.

His wrist has limited movement

from being cuffed and his wrist hurts

from constantly jerking off.

“For those of reading this,

do you see how I am relating masturbating to prison?

It’s about guilt and this how I feel.

Guilty like a criminal and my guilt

has my mind and body in a cell.

So jerking off is my exercise and freedom

to release tension and the blood flow is increasing

like I ‘m pumping iron

and my arm is so sore

I could barely lift it.

See how I related masturbating to prison?”

Let me stop bragging and explain my flaws

through erectile dysfunction.

My mind couldn’t function.

It was a little over four years ago,

but felt like yesterday

when I couldn’t play with it my way.

When I say it, I’m talking about

the vagina.

It’s in front me but I didn’t have the tool to use it.

“As a child you ever had video games and toys in front

of you

but wasn’t allowed to play with them

because you was on punishment?

Imagine that is this.

Felt like an unprepared student

always forgetting his pencil.

I had so much potential to be an excellent lover

but the pain was mental

and this is where I learned mental slavery

is worst than physical slavery.”

My mind is worn out

like the big bad wolf

when trying to blow the third little

pigs house down by huffing

and puffing.

Got tired of stressing

so went to the urologist

and got a sample of cialis.

Like nicotine, I got addicted to this

and raw vagina and cream pies felt

good like holding your urine for a hour straight

until you finally get home and then you start

releasing it

like a new video game coming out for Christmas

and because of cialis, the cells in my seamen

was like the crowd rushing on Black Friday in the front doors

of Walmart at midnight.

But constant pregnancy scares had me fearing for my life.

This was another mental fight.

So lesson I learned was, one problem solved

can add on another when you take shortcuts

but I’m hardheaded and I don’t know if I give a fuck

about making the same mistakes.

But anyway I went off topic and let me get back to it.

For a while this was pain for me

for worrying what others think of me

and that’s the weakness in me.

But I had to find a way escape this mental pain

when she choose another guy over me ( read I Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 1) andI Will Never Forget My 25th Birthday (Part 2) This is a very long blog personal blog

for full story).

So I blamed and hated myself and blamed God for not

getting hard.

But it’s whatever

because I realized there is better

and I’m talking about better vagina.

I pushed my integrity out the window

and paid for professionals.

Fuck passion and romance

getting my dick sucked and rough sex

became my best friends.

and sex with average girls became overrated.

Instead of letting them judge me,

I decided to judge them

and thought women were worthless

and do I still feel this way, hmm I honestly don’t know?

My lack of sex skills had me despising black women

and I am going to be honest,

I was in my emotions

acting sensitive like a little bitch

but I reminded my self

that I was a man

and I’m suppose to think with logic

and this time period for me

was difficult like algebraic expressions

so I found a way to simplify it

by reminding myself sex is overrated

and reminding myself of that

defined my mentality

like I was looking up something

in a Websters dictionary.

I was told

“Love is a serious mental diseases?”

“So hate is my weapon to conquer my enemy

because being hateful is selfish

and selfish people usually have the biggest hearts

and been through the worst type of heart breaks.”

This was something I just learned yesterday.

I will be more selfish

tomorrow for hating my yesterday

and today I received a present

a got a small heart to fit in my body.

So I’m an writing this to present

my soul for you to witness.

I can write for so long

you would think I am immortal.

My thoughts are for free, they are affordable

like united healthcare

but in reality it’s worth more

than any coin or dollar.

Was told plenty of times

my poetry is deep and powerful

so I hope when you read this

I helped you witness a miracle.

Now I can’t turn water into wine

but maybe I can save you from

committing a crime

or exiting out of somebody’s life

over some fucked up shit

because don’t be like I.

I am here to change lives

like a inmate on beyond scare straight

doing life

but I doubt if I would,

before I die.

Fuck wishing to be a billionaire,

I would rather die broke tomorrow

if tonight I can save a life.

As you can see, I can write all day

and all night

like an inmate, have nothing but time.

But what happens after I finish telling my life experiences?

So my question is, will I have another poem left in me

and when my work is complete, should I take my

life story to recite to an open mic?

I still have more to write and I think I will get darker and deeper. I think one day in the distant future, I will recite this to a large crowd to save people from becoming like me.

So when you reading this an imaging that you are a pastor or therapist, how would you respond?(No need to answer this question but its is something think about or even discuss with somebody else you close with)

But I will leave three questions for you to answer in the comment section

  1. After reading this, what are three words to describe this poem?

  2. Can you get your heart broken if you are a selfish person?

  3. While you were reading this, the statements I left in quotes, did you learn anything new or was everything relatable?

  4. I am always willing to learn so is there anything you would like to share about his or if you have a view point about something that I mentioned, feel free to comment below

  5. Also comment below if you have a good deep question for me to think about and I am willing to respond.

Image result for how i feel

And

Image result for how i feel

6 thoughts on “How I Really Feel And I Won’t Lie(Part 3)

  1. Beautiful, honest and outstanding, I loved every word.
    Well, although you are a selfish person, you can still get hurt, nobody is immune to hurt and pain, I think.
    I can relate to this poem, in many ways that you can imagine.
    You have so much emotion in your writings, where do you get it?

    Liked by 1 person

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