A New Man

A new lifestyle I must adjust to.
With very few to talk to
There was something I had to do.
I made a change for the better or at least I thought so.
Not much of a difference in my presence,
but at least I  learned my lessons.
The result wasn’t what I thought so.
Like quicksand, my life is sinking below.
My heart is happy but my mind worn out.
My heart is friendly but my mind is full of doubt.
In between confident and unconfident.
I made a decision and to myself I’m being honest
but to others I  am still being dishonest.
Swear life moves faster than sonic
because time is running out.
As time moves faster I am a poor farmer going through  a drought .
Lacking funds in my bank account makes the thoughts on my brain becomes loud.
So much I want to accomplish but what’s holding me back.
I don’t smoke crack and I’m not afraid to be black
but why does it feel like I am stuck in a trap?
My peers run past me on the track more than twice I have been lapped.
Be like a Malcom X who was brave but I  have the mentality of a slave.
Feel like others are robots  flying in space and here I am living in a cave.
Why am I so afraid?
My life is precipitation coming from the sky and I just watch it go down the drain in shame.
Thirty years ago and older at my age people my age were having babies.
Have been concerned for my future lately.
At my age I pray for my safety  and for that I am grateful
but I thought I would of been further so I am becoming hateful.
I lift weights and run to subdue my hate but it might be too late.
Like a violent inmate being stuck inside makes me more  to retaliate.
I am turtle trying to escape the darkness
So I hide in my shell but I  am still surrounded by darkness.
My feelings still trying to get in touch and acknowledge.
Prayed to God I don’t see myself falling as I look up to the sky.
Maybe this explains all the years I have been really really shy.
Learned not to follow others lead or let others follow mine.
Jealously is more common than loyalty most don’t want to see you shine.
I now see  rebuilding myself to get destroyed but ironically  the negativity I still choose to avoid.
There is still a little hope so no I won’t sell dope.
Life right now is stressful as I look at myself in the rest room.
Too much to multitask, so much to do.
But I will let angels guide me because I do have a plan to become a new man.
Maybe right this is just a tough battle and I will win the war.
Now I’m weak like cattle but I will have the strength of a boar.