I normally don’t talk about myself but I figured on this blog I should introduce myself to those that are following me. My name is David Hockaday and I am 27 years old. I was born on June, 22 1990 and unfortunately I am the youngest of three children and I am and proud to say I was born a black man and I will never be ashamed of that. In this blog, I will discussed how I started writing poetry, why I love poetry, why I started blogging, my deepest fears, my strengths and weakness, my deepest questions, and where do I see myself in the future.
About three years ago I was very depressed and ashamed of myself. I was going through hard times in the year 2014. I was recently going through a breakup and my great grandmother died that year. All my life, I have been an over thinker. I think way too hard on simple things. My mind is like a two year old running wild in walker. My thoughts are all over the place and I get distracted easily. As far as me overthinking, that comes from me being ungrateful with my life wishing I was somebody else, and being nervous about everything. I have nervous anxiety and I am very shy, that’s why I don’t have a picture myself in my bio icon. For those of you reading this, you have no idea what I’m going through and its not easy being me. Now I don’t hate my life but it can be a lot better. I won’t say I hate myself, but I hate how unfair the world can be which caused me to overthink since I am the kind of person that tries very hard to understand people. I always felt(even to this day) that people are selfish and don’t give a fuck about you. Just to let you know, I curse a lot. But to not go off topic, I was heartbroken 3 years ago and I blamed myself because I felt like me overthinking is what led to the destruction to the relationship. Next month, I will talk about my previous relationship and why things ended the way it did. So as far as me overthinking, I realized I had a serious problem and I needed to do something to improve myself. So my best friend, “David Earle” recommend me to see a therapist. I was eager to to get help so I looked up online to where to seek therapy and eventually I found someone. I remember, it was November 2014, exactly three years ago when I first started going to therapy. The first session was the hardest because I was scared to open up. The advice that my therapist gave me was to write your thoughts down on paper. So one day I was thinking really hard as usual about my deepest emotions. The type of person that I am is I try so hard not to express my emotions so I try to use logic with every situation I encounter. So I was bored and I just started writing my thoughts on paper about logic and emotion in poetry format unintentionally. I say unintentionally because I didn’t even know I had words rhyming until after I finished writing my thoughts on paper. This was very my first poem that I wrote which was exactly three years ago.
Logic vs emotion
“There is always somebody better than you in everything you do, but it’s okay because is always somebody worst than you
Just do the best that you can and be proud
Because we all failed at something, so why live in doubt
The human heart and the human mind is so cohesive that most people don’t know it,
Without them both, humans wouldn’t even be able to function
But at times, people say listen to your mind or follow your heart , but this is confusion
The mind helps to look at things with a logical perception
The heart helps you to look at things in a emotional perception
So life is really a battle between logic vs emotion
What would you pick?”
I send this to my friend,”Andrae Croll” and his response was ” This was deep”. When I told him, I wrote this, his response was “Become a poet bro.” Ever since then, I decided to write my thoughts in poetry format to see how talented I was. So I want to thank my friend, “Andrae ” for inspiring me to write poetry. Poetry has helped me in so many ways. I have a talent that I am proud to brag about because of you. If it wasn’t for poetry, I don’t know how I would make it through the day with my overthinking ass. I scared to admit this, but I was so broken three years I had thoughts of suicide I can’t even lie. When you break somebody’s heart and you blame yourself and you doing everything you can to try to heal a broken heart and nothing is working plus you overthinking everything. You don’t have no idea how much much energy was draining the shit out of me. Imagine accidentally killing your child, that’s how I was feeling and nobody knew. Not even my parents knew how I was feeling because I can very well hide my emotions. So again thank you “Andrae Croll” and “David Earle” for saving me.
I love poetry because it is a stress reliever. Poetry is exercise for the brain and poetry helps organize my thoughts in a patter that’s unique. When I write poetry, I am telling a story of my life experiences or other people’s life experiences. When I write my poems, I can write them on the spot. It only take me a few minutes to write a poem. As time when on, I started becoming more advanced with poetry writing in story format. It feels good, when you have a talent that can take you places. I wished I would have discovered this talent of writing poetry when I was a kid because in college, I would of majored in creative writing. Funny thing was in high school, English wasn’t my strongest subject. Rap music and battle rap have a big influence on my poetry. I love songs that have deep meanings behind them. I have been told that I’m a deep thinker but to be honest I’m not really sure it’s hard for me to tell. But I when I write a poem, I put 100% effort into writing a poem. Poetry helps me to keep my mind sane, like inmates lifting weights to subdue the stress of being on the inside.
Now I started blogging two months ago. August 18th, 2017 was when I uploaded my first two blogs. I had no intentions on blogging prior to August 18th. Never been a big fan of social media but I do have a twitter account. I been on twitter since 2013 but I am not a constant user. I was very addicted to twitter during 2013 and 2014. I use to tweet all the time. Once I became an apprentice for local 3 in 2014, I became very busy and exhausted so I didn’t have the time to use twitter like I did before. In 2015, I started working two jobs. I was working seven days a week. Picture this, Imagine working seven hours Mon-Friday, 7-2:30pm, Mondays and Tuesdays(not always) picking your mom up from the train station at 6:45, then on Wed I would have college which is required for the apprenticeship from 4pm 6pm after work. Transportation was a bitch because I live in long Island, NY . School and work was in the city so I wasn’t getting home until 8 p.m. Then on Thursdays, I had to get up at 4:30 am, just so I could get to work at 7:A.M. Thursday was my worst day because I had electrical theory class which was too required by the apprenticeship. Class would start at 5 p.m. and end at 8:30 p.m. I wouldn’t get home until after 10:00 p.m. and I had to be up at 4:30 for work the next day. On top of that I had a weekend job. On Saturday, I had little bit of breather because I had work from 4:30 – 8:30 p.m. but on Sundays I had to work 13 hours from 7:00 a.m – 8:30p.m. I had to work a minimum of 17 hours a week for my weekend job. Only 4 hours was available for Saturdays, so Sundays I had to work 13 hours to make up the difference. Then imagine the next day which was Monday, you had to get up at 4:30 A.M to got to your weekday job. I had to do this for two years straight. One benefit was I was stacked up in the bank. I will talk about this in the future, so to make a long story short, I was burned out and I eventually end up quitting both jobs because I wasn’t happy at all. Imagine working two jobs that you hate, not dislike but hate. Well I didn’t hate my weekended job but it was burning me out. My weekday job, I hated that shit. I respect local 3 union but it was not for me. So when I quit 6 months ago, I had so much free time I didn’t know what to do with myself. So I started using twitter again. But for some reason, twitter got annoying. In 2013, I was addicted to twitter because I use to tweet my deepest thoughts and read everyone Else’s tweets. I thought at the time people were unique. Twitter was ignorant but I loved every moment of it. I too can be ignorant sometimes but that’s okay because there is a time and a place for everything. But now I realized twitter is a popularity contest. To me it’s like high school all over again. People tweet the same shit over and over. It’s about loyalty, relationships, men are trash etc. You can tweet whatever you want no problem but people try so hard for attention. For example, everybody on twitter swear they are loyal and faithful. Those are the type of tweets I see, but I will telling you something. I can guarantee you that 90% of the people on twitter cheated at least once, but people are not admitting it. Most importantly you can’t have an opinion on twitter without somebody insulting or criticizing you. It’s always the people that don’t follow you, that always be you in your goddamn mentions criticizing you. So I just got fed up. On August 18th, I was on Instagram and looking this girl profile and I saw a link. I click on that link which brought me to her blog on word press. I started reading some of her blogs and I thought they were interesting. I saw the feedback she was getting and her blog page looked very neatly organized. Then instantly I thought about starting my own blog because I have a lot to talk about and I’m always curious to read about other people and getting to know them. I love giving feedback on deep topics. Not only that, I needed a platform to post my poetry. So later that day, I decided to open an account on word press to post my poetry. But I also love reading other people’s post to see if I can relate to the thoughts of others. I love to express myself on paper, but in person I’m very shy and it’s hard to communicate in person. So all of these reasons combined is why I started blogging and I fell in love with it ever since. I appreciate all of my followers and I try my hardest to interact with all of my followers. It’s a blessing to have people like my blogs, even a greater blessing for people to comment my blogs. I didn’t expect to have much success with word press. When I give feedback on other people blogs, I usually get a response back and I am so grateful that I am being acknowledged in the first place. I don’t ask for a lot so when I get a comment on one of my blogs, it lights my day up like a Christmas tree. If I could at least reach out to one person or if one person can just see the effort I put in writing a poem then I feel like I accomplished something. But just having my followers like my blogs, is an accomplishment alone.
My deepest fears, is accidentally killing somebody, losing a physical fight, public speaking, being affectionate, and going to hell. I wish fear didn’t exist but I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t fear anything.
Some of my weakness
- Worry myself to death
- Not speaking up
- Being easily distracted
- Being sleepy all the time
- Having a low sex drive(rather watch porn then have actual sex)
- Not opening up to people
- Short term memory is awful
- Being kind
- Cursing all the time
- Lacking common sense
- Not being affectionate
- Rather be alone then to be around company
- Not telling my family whats going on with me. They don’t even know I have a blog account
Some of my strengths
- Writing poetry
- Being creative
- Being unpredictable
- Being funny(I’ve been told I’m funny)
- I have good long term memory
- Thinking ahead
- Minding my business
- Giving advice(depends on the situation)
- being respectful
- uplifting others
- Being able to be alone for long periods of time
- Not needing a relationship to be happy
- Being perfectly fine with being single forever.
- Going long periods without having sex
My deepest questions
- Why did God create humans in the first place?
- If God will one day destroy Satan, will he ever create another Satan to take his place?
- How did God create himself?
- How does Heaven and Hell look?
- If more people go to hell then heaven, where would I end up when I die?
- If Adam and Eve were the first humans to exist, how did Blacks, Asians, whites and Spanish people come about?
- What if all the people living in society freely were to trade places with the inmates and the inmates were free, how fucked would the world would be?
- If everybody was guaranteed a place in heaven when they died, would the crime rate go up?
- If Adam and Eve were husband and wife, and Cain and Abel were brothers and in order for them to reproduce they had to have sex with their own siblings, why is incest disgusting?
- If bible is written by man and man make mistakes, is everything in the bible accurate?
- Let’s say Hitler prayed to God for forgiveness for a week straight before he died, does he really deserve to go to heaven? now let’s say you a deacon in the church who have a girlfriend and prays on a daily basis, what if he the day he dies he had sex with his girlfriend then 10 minutes later died in his sleep but within those 10 minutes he didn’t ask for forgiveness, is he going to hell?
- God says husbands are the head of the household and to lead the family and wives are to submit, now what if the husband dies, will the wife be strong enough to lead the family on her own?
- For the Christians that pray to God, if your elders didn’t bring you up in the church, would you still believe in GOD, if someone was to ask you why do you believe in God, what would you say?
- For Christian parents, if the bible say “Thou shall not judge” what would your reaction be if your daughter married a Muslim?
- For the Christians, if someone killed your child and you knew who killed your child are you honestly going to forgive that person or will you seek revenge?
- If there are more rats in NYC sewers than people living in NYC, then how come rats haven’t took over NYC yet?
- Where and how did STD’s exist in the first place?
- For people that use protection when having sex, what do you fear more, an unplanned pregnancy or an STD?
- If you commit suicide you automatically go to hell(unless you scarfice your life for someones else for a good cause) if you commit a homicide you can repent and ask God for forgiveness so another words what do you fear more killing somebody or going to hell? Your choice
- Does forever last forever?
- What if black people were slave owners and white people were slaves, would there be more black presidents? Would there even be a Mount Rushmore? Would there be a Malcolm X or Martin Luther King?
- If Abraham Lincoln didn’t exist, would I be a slave?
- If the devil is the composer of music, is all music considered devil music?
- When you type in “men” or “women” in the google search box do you ever notice that you mostly see white faces. You actually have to type “Black men” or “Black women” to see black people. Why is that?
- To the non racist white people, if black people learned to stick together and made peace when we stand up and fight against racism would you support and fight with us?
- To black people, would Malcolm X and Martin Luther King be happy with black people as a whole (think about this!)
- We have a Martin Luther king day in January, how come we don’t have a Malcolm X day?
- Why on the NYS regents we are only about asked questions dealing with U.S. and European history, why not black history?
- Why is it on February we celebrate black history month? Think about this, Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King, Malcolm X are all considered under black history category, why can’t they they just be part of history without adding “black” in front of the word “history”. Black people are no different from white people so why can’t history just be history and whites and blacks are all part one category?
- After reading my previous question think again is black history month a good thing? Doesn’t it forces black people to only be concerned with history of our own race once a month. Black people from generations past shouldn’t be just talked about in February. They should be talked about every month. Again all humans are created equal so is it better to just have history as history and both blacks and whites from the past are talked about equally every month think about it?
- When Eminem dropped freestyle in a cypher talking about Donal Trump, I thought his freestyle was excellent. I wasn’t really concerned with his flow or the way he was rhyming but what was being said and I appreciated him for doing that but my question was why were black people saying his freestyle was ass or Eminem is not greatest rapper? It’s not about Eminem being the greatest rapper or having the best flow it’s much bigger than that. Why can’t we just respect Eminem for what he did?
To be honest, I don’t know where I see myself in the future but I hope where ever I’m at, I’m in a positive place and if I was to die today, I just hope the lord would accept me into heaven. Again I normally don’t like to talk about myself but I decided not to be selfish and share with my followers who I really am and why I am here. Out of 345 followers that I have, I would say about at least 5 of them would be curious to know who I am, why I started writing poetry, and what are some of my deepest thoughts. So I wrote this for the followers that are interested about me. I think it’s important for my followers to know a little about me. I did talked about a lot with my life in this blog. Also I hope this blog encourages other bloggers to open up and not be afraid of who you are.
If you are interested in reading my poems, I will add link below to my poems
Poems with an unexpecting ending
Sweeter side of my poems
My most clever poem that may take time to understand or usually may tend to go over your head
My stories I may think about publishing
My most challenging poem that took me time to write
I don’t expect you to click on every single link and read every poem. Just pick at least one poem that interest you or has the most clever title and click on the link and read it always welcome to give your honest feedback on anything that I post. Wish everyone a good night and for now one on the first day of each month, I will post a life experience so you can learn more about me. Goodnight everyone